The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been doing so much thinking here lately. I have been brutaly honest with myself, and it does hurt.
I have been on this rollercoaster for so many years. Life has gotten relatively peaceful here lately. My husband is at his parents house, and unless I become willing to accept his drinking, it will stay that way. He comes here in the morning so I don't have to take the baby on my early school run. (I know he is not drinking at that time of day, so it is safe.)
He does an occasional chore around here, he took the screens back to his parents house to repair them for me. He gives me most of his unemployment check, and his parents provide him with any money he needs. I am still responsible for the bills here with my pay, the groceries, the extras, for 6 children, and all the insurance and medical bills.
I speak to him when he is not drinking only. I hang up on him if he calls drunk and he has started to realize I will not speak to him, then, so he rarely bothers any more unless he is not drinking.
He tries to be affectionate when here, I shrug it off.
The kids and I do not have to deal with ihis drinking and he keeps his paretns away from me.
I should be happy, life is not too bad. But I can't help resenting that I am the one who has to deal with the kids all by myself. That he contributes the bare minimum and Mommy and Daddy make him so comfortable, while we struggle.
I accept that this is as much as he is capable of. I accept that he is sick. I do love him, but I can't help being tired of being in limbo. I am married, but without any of the advantages. I for all purposes am a single Mom. I look to the future and see more limbo. I Married "Till death do us part," and I meant it, but this marriage is dead. The man I married is long gone, and this spoiled Mommas boy is all that is left.
I resent that he comes here, plays Daddy, acts proprietary towards me each day, then goes home to have Mommy serve him his drinks. I know there is nothing I can do about it, but I feel that I am helping provide him with teh best of all worlds. There is no hope of him hitting bottom, it won't happen. He lost his job, I put him out, he has liver disease and Mommy still makes everything okay for him, and he thrives on it.
I can't tell you how much I feel your pain. But you are doing a good job. You are setting boundaries and that's great. This is a place for you to vent so vent away! Being resentful has made me act it terrible ways. I too had asked my A to leave and when he acted as if he wasn't sure of paying the house bills while out of the house I was angry and resentful. He too was living at the time rent free at his uncles. If i was to be left alone with the bills, what a terrible burden. But someone on this site had said to me, if you decide to take on the bills do not say it and then resent it later. It will only cause you more harm. I tried to look at it from a different perspective. I tried to say to myself, well, if I have to pay all the bills for some serenity, isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth it to see how I do on my own. I can't say that it has come to that yet. We have been speaking and the bills aren't due yet. However, I understand also an enabling family. His uncle (who is an active A) got drunk and thye got into an argument and he has since left. It's only so long that even an enabling family will put up with an A. If they are not sober ALL relationships suffer. You will be fine. And your childre nwill appreicaite you for it. You are doing great. Keep it up!
Stick to your boundaries, even though it can be had at times. You are absolutely doing the right thing for you and your children.
This "till death do us part", I'm not so sure of. If you choose to stay married, then I respect that. I can't imagine leaving my A husband. But our marriage isn't dead. Yes, we're apart. But he made that decision so that it in the long run, it wouldn't be. He knows that I will not put up with it any more. It's great that you respect your vows so much. I do too. But it just seems that if it's means cutting off your hand to spite your face, then perhaps I wouldn't be so adament about that. But then I'm projecting way to far into the future for both of us. That spells trouble. One moment at a time.
I understand the resentment. I think that it's safe to say that all spouses of A have some resentment. I mean why do we always have to be the responsible ones? There are days that I just want to know what it feels like to be irresponsible! But that'll never happen. I can barely call in sick to work. I try not to be resentful, but it's not easy. I just have to step back and take a deep breath and stick to my boundaries too. Sometimes it works, and sometimes not.
This is exactly the place to vent. You go girl! Do you know how many people use this board to do exactly that? It's a great place to do it. We can see that we're not alone in feeling the way you do.
You're doing just fine. Keep coming back to us.
Love and strength to you and your children.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am proud of your for sticking to your boundries! :)
I can relate to my A not doing any of the work around the house or with the kids. Sometimes it seems so unfair.... but.... the kids will remember you before they remeber him. You are guiding them and doing the best you can.
