You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go.

Peace with the Past

Even God cannot change the past.
--Agathon

Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy - energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.

"I used to live in my past," said one recovering woman. "I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.

######ROSIE.....i hung onto the past like a  koala bear to its tree....i think the **resentment-rage* i felt is what kept me alive.....when i was p***ed off, i knew i was alive!!!!!  i just could not get over the **hump of hate/resentment*  until i got into 12 steps....now i can't get shed of it fast enough......with me, my past,   the hate/ resentment  controlled me.....i didn't know how to discharge the emotions that were raging inside of me.....it was just  **on and on*  life would hand me  another **haymaker*  and i would rage.....totally out of proportion to the event,  but it was **old stuff*  comming out!!  old anger   old frustration   old fear......now i am becomming more  **eye level*  with life.....now when i am angry,  it is more healthy and  **au current*

"I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me - even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.

######ROSIE.....i am sure i felt shame over what happened to me....the shame of me over my **core belief--born failure*.....i was so shame based....now i see it as  his inventory,  his alone!!!! ...i felt this way too,  if someone  **came against me*  in the way of an insult or somethign, i  literally **took it to heart*  i fixated on it....replayed the incident over and over, thinking it was about me........now, slowly, i am seeing that  "what another thinks is thier inventory, their problem, not mine".....i   only  **sweep my side of the street*  now,  and if it is clean, and i know i don't owe an amend.  i am slowly learning,  what others think is their inventory.......and i can let it go better now 

"I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I'd try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn't shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.

#########ROSIE....oh my anger was my  **cloak*.....tear it off me and i feared i would **bleed to death from my soul*  it was the **lid to my horrendous pain*.......it took  MONTHS of discharging this anger   and RE discharging it to get to the diferent levels of pain i had....my spirit must have looked like one of those mazes you see with diferent levels the little steel ball can roll on....i would visit one layer of   anger/grief....think it was done,  but  "NO",  it was only going down a staircase of  outrage/grief....there were many steps to go before i would hit bottom.......**forgetting about the past*  just did not work for me.....how do i **forget* the total loss of my life?????? i couldn't/ didn't....so i simmered in it.....now in recovery, i am dealing with each hurt....each outrage...each injury....discharging the emotions over it and now and ONLY now can i say i am **post flood*  with all the pain....i am climbing  **UP* now.....and i too, was afraid of today ....afraid of tomorow,  i was too!!!  now i  **walk through my fear* and i keep moving forward.....blind faith that the process is going on whether i **feel it* or not......i had to walk through the slime and muck  before i could get to the otherside...

I've been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I'm learning I can't forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger.

######ROSIE....for me its 19 months.....anywhere from 2 to 6 hours per day working my recovery...and it is paying dividends now....i  **see- feel* the results.....luckily for me,  i guess because of the **time put in*  like everything else,  the more you  **work it*  the more you get...that is true.....now i am learning new behaviours  a new way to **live with the new me*.....no i will never forget it....but i can  and am  **making my peace with it*    i came to acceptance!!  and now its  **right action*   learning to love me/// ....nurture me/// ......trust me/my hp///......i am learning a  new and good/healthy  perspective of  me/ of god/ of life!!!!! those shortcommings i cannot get rid of as yet??? well...i can manage them...distance myself from them so i am in control,  not  emotions running amok.......

"I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I've learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful.

######ROSIE......slowly but surely i am freeing myself of the   shame/guilt that was never mine to begin with....i take responsibility of the things that i have done---- accept them---make proper amends......trust in my hp within me, that **all is going accordingly to schedule*   and not to worry......now i can find gratitude  for who/what i am,  and the things i do have.....

"When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I've learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that my Higher Power was in control, even then.

#####ROSIE.....when i think about my past, now, it is more usually in the course of sharing with others to give  experience/ strength and hope....when i think of it on my own???? i say  "thank you great spirit for my turning out the way i did -- inspite of what the darkness threw at me"   i am the winner now....i defeated my abuser with  my **christ within and the 12 steps*  he is gone!! out of my life!!!  i won!!!!   i take responsibility for me and **only me*   noone else!!!!! i now look at my past with  compassion for me....and tremendous respect for me that i actually survived it!!!  and yeah,  my hp was in control then.......i know now  **who*  helped me shut down so the abuser could not take my spirit....he never got the  **i am*  of me.....my hp,  even though i was not aware at the time,  was not ever going to let the darkness  **take over me*...yes i got  **beat up* pretty badly.....but i did not go **down for the count*  i was staggered...i was wobbling..there were times when i almost did  fall to the canvass!!! ......but guess what???? i am the one still standing...and i am standing tall!!!!!  my hp gave me the **strength to go on*   and i did!!!!!

"I've healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I've made peace with myself about these issues, and I've learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I'm able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.

######ROSIE....yep,  i recovered from the absolute worst that could happen to a child!!! incest!!!   that one word puts fear/revulsion in the strongest of hearts!!!  but i made it!!  if i can...anyone can!!  and that is why i tell my story....so others can  **see me...hear me...feel me*  and say   "if she can do it...so can i....so lets give life *another shot*".....this tremendous evil made me the compassionate soul i am today.....i always said.....people like me end up one of three ways!!!       dead.........hopelessly nuts..........OR.....like me!!  i disassociated during it...i **numbed out*   **went into hiding*  during the abuse.....i  SHUT DOWN!!!!!   and because my hp enabled me/ strengthened me/ quieted me to do this.....i came out of it....and i grew from it....like a tree that got ALL her branches sawed off!!!  i grew new ones!!!! and i am bushier and stronger than the original!!!!  i hate evil!!  and i am gonna do all i can to **take away from it*......

"I've even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.

#####ROSIE.....and you know "failed relationships"  is a message to me here.....i had  few **go down the tubes* in recent months......how about an entire  *adoptive family* ???  but you know what????  i walked away  with sooo much more knowledge and confirmation in the **taking care of me--- looking withIN*   that it was a blessing!!!  i am glad this  "adoptive" family came into my life.....honestly i never met them face to face....and the "sister"  who adopted me never sent me  CURRENT pics of her...so  i wouldn't know her if i **tripped over her*   but i thank her!!!  she  , by dishonoring her promises to me/ not being there for me,  taught me  that it MUST  *begin with me*   that i must look withIN for my   love/ nurturing/ taking care of me stuff  FIRST   before i can radiate/receive it  to /from others.....how can i  give and receive love from others  when i cannot  give adn receive love from me??????   this one lady starved me of my needs and wants....it looked like it was willful too!!!  ...and here i am thanking her!!!!   because now for SURE,  i look  withIN....and my relationships with my   **real* family  are better than ever!!!!!  the more i love me/  the more loveable i am!!!!!   so you damned right!!!! i am GRATEFUL for the  failed relationship with this  so called "adoptive" family....i send them nothing but thoughts of  peace and goodwill.......

"What I've learned has been acceptance - without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I've even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming."

We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for others and ourselves. I know, because that woman is me.

#####ROSIE....yes, me too,   accepting the **facts*....as they are ....not what i want it to be......no guilt....no shame.....no anger.....yes, i allow the feelings.....but i work the program/steps/literature/meetings. and i am OK!!!!! ....my past is my past....i cannot do anything about it......but i can DAMNED sure do something about my todays....and i am.....being here in recovery.......

Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.