WOW .. Talk about pressure. I am in no way qualified to speak for the entire population of alcoholics, sometimes my thoughts are so screwed up I don’t even feel qualified to speak for myself.

Diva, one thing I can tell you about myself, and a lot of other recovered alcoholics is; we are incapable of being honest with ourselves while still active. We are delusional. Do you know what that means? The effects of the disease are so powerful, the denial so strong, we will distort our own reality to support the rationalizations required to keep drinking. Read The Doctor’s Opinion chapter of the Big Book where it says “they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false.“ Diva, you said your husband “…seems so self-assured, genuinely a guy who has things well under control…” Of course most of us are just like that when still active. Reading more of the Big Book pg. 73 “More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it.” I know this fit me perfectly. I wanted everyone to think I had it all together but in my heart I knew something was empty inside. I never wanted to face that emptiness and I didn’t until I started to get sober. There may be glimpses of truth coming through when his guard is down while drinking. But it’s just as likely he will say things he doesn’t mean either. Why? The self loathing is so strong, he will deny it and place blame elsewhere. While not drunk he may be appalled at what he said while drunk, but his disease will find a way to rationalize his behavior, still blaming everyone else, or blaming the fact that he was drunk while he said it. The only truth that really comes out when he is drunk is that he is an alcoholic. His thoughts and behavior while either drinking or not drinking are not sane unless he recovers.

The path to recovery through the 12 steps is all about humility. I used to think that humility meant that I had to think I was ‘less than’ everyone else. Now I just substitute the words “self honesty.” To me it is finally looking at myself honestly, not only the bad parts but the good stuff too. I’m sober 2 years working the steps and I’m still struggling with it. If I look at myself objectively or listen to friends and family, I know I have a lot to offer. I’m a kind, patient, loyal friend. I’m talented. I can build just about anything with my hands I want. I do carpentry, electrical work, plumbing. I’m an excellent cook. I had a successful engineering career taking on and successfully completing complicated projects no one else in the company could even conceive of. I have a US Patent in my name. I have artistic talent. I designed and built my own 4000 sq ft Victorian home. People tell me I still have a lot of untapped potential. Inside that exterior, there was nothing. I was a shell of a human. Once my job was gone (I lost all interest and was asked to resign) I checked myself into rehab. What did I have left? My wife said to me ‘you’re a jerk’ when she dropped me off at the rehab. When she came to see me she stiffened up when I hugged her and turned her head when I tried to kiss her. On the phone I’d say ‘I love you’ and hear silence back. I’d say it again and hear back ‘I heard you.’

OK now, lets have a look. Pain relief from alcohol gone, job of 19 years gone, rejected by wife. All the stuff I used to prop me up, gone. What’s left? Complete and utter insecurity as a human being. Looking at all the thoughts and memories of a forgotten child hood of zero self esteem, depression, unhappiness, and fear of being who I am. The resurfacing of all those feelings of inadequacy were excruciating. All the more so because of the rejection of my wife while I’m going through all this. It just reinforced everything I negative I thought about myself as a person. I’m in tears as I’m writing this, that’s how painful this whole thing was. There were so many negative childhood feelings, buried beneath layers of surface achievement and numbed by alcohol, to sort through. As the old wounds were opened for cleaning, I felt like my wife was there to poke them and pour salt in them. Her comment to me to ‘get a job or get a lawyer’ as my unemployment was running out did wonders for my recovery and my desire to be closer to her. Is that all I am to you is my ability to earn money? A year into sobriety, I went to my son's 8th grade back-to-school night. Left the school and cried on the way home from all the painful memories that came back from being that age and hating who I was. I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. This is my own experience, of course, I don’t know how my story applies to anyone you know.

I can talk to other alcoholics about this stuff and they all seem to understand. ‘Earth people’ don’t seem to get it. This has been a tough road for me these past 2 years but I hope I’m coming out of this a stronger, more compassionate person. I still have a lot of growing up to do. At least I have found some humility, something I never had before; I had a very distorted view of who I was. I really believe most active alcoholics suffer from lack of humility. That is why the 12 steps are based on honesty with ourselves, with others and with God.

Look at it this way. The disease distorts the alcoholic’s thinking to create the insane rationalizations about his drinking. My disease wants me dead, so of course I became a master manipulator. When active, just because I wasn’t drinking didn’t mean I was thinking sanely, regardless of my good intentions. If an alcoholic, drinking or not, has not attained the level of humility to see this, he cannot be honest with himself. If he cannot be honest with himself, how can he possible be honest in his interaction with others, regardless of his intentions. I don’t think there is any black or white as to when an alcoholic’s true feeling come out drunk or not. It’s all a mess in his own head until he recovers. I hope this sheds some light on some of this insanity you are all dealing with.

Lou