"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

sandy · Member

What else can I do about my daughter?

Powerless · Senior Member

Let me start this post with "Take what you like and leave the rest." As I was reading your post it was funny to me that I can't manage my own life right now but it seems so clear to me what other people should or should not do. We cannot give advice so here is what I have to say. If I were the alcoholic, I hope someone would take my chilren to ensure that they were safe. That does not mean I don't love them or I love booze more than my family...it just means that my addiction has a strong hold of me. I would not want people to make me feel like a failure or start lecturing me, but I would want someone to point out that my actions caused a reaction. I would also want someone to remind me that losing them does nto have to be permanent. I would also not want people to think of my ex as the bad guy. He is placing the children first, how can that be wrong? He is desperate for me to get well and knows no other way to catch my attention.

As for my mother, I would want her to love me and help keep the kids safe. It is not her place to stay with me and care for me as if I am a child, clean house, cook...I have to face my own responsibilities. I would want her to learn as much as possible about my addiction and not judge me. I would want her to be there for me when I was ready to get help. I would also want her to know that there may often be "dry" periods, but if I was not working a program, there will never be sobriety. As long as there is no true recovery, I will drink again. I would also tell my mother how much i love her because through my alcohol haze, I probably forget.

We are here for you!!!

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

(((sandy))))

Welcome to Alanon. Have you checked to see if there are meetings in your area? It's the best thing you can do for you and for your daughter.
It's important to know the 3 C's. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
I've been told the definition of insantiy is to do the dame things over and over and expecting different results. This means trying and trying to help them and getting nowhere. It doesn't help to dump their bottles, it doesn't help to preach at them, it doesn't help to make life easy for them.
What does help is to stop helping.

Alcoholics must decide on their own that they want their life to change, it's called "hitting bottom". When there is nowhere to turn and no one is willing to help anymore because they have burned all their bridges time and time again.

Making their life easier only allows them to keep their head above water and keep doing what they are doing. It sounds to me that your daughter is at a critical crossroads. Either she get help and get sober for good, or she will lose her children.
I STRONGLY suggest you do not help her in any way. This may be the make it or break it point for her. You must understand that enabling her in anyway is hurting her more then helping. I know it's hard, those motherly instincts tell us to protect them at all costs, but the most loving thing you can do is to let her fall. Allow her the respect to make her own choices. If she chooses vodka, she will have chosen it no matter what you did or did not do.

Please find a meeting, get some Alanon literature and dive in. We also suffer from the insanity of the disease. Alanon helps get our lives back on the right track and gives us tools so we can deal with the alcoholic w/o making ourselves crazy.
It's not easy by any means. But the tools give us something to work with instead of flailing blindly and doing more damage then good.
When I first came to Alanon I must have said the Serenity Prayer 100 times a day.
I bit my tongue a lot, recognized my part in enabling and in the insanity of the disease. Instead, I replaced it with:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

There is also a chatroom on the site, open 24/7. There are meetings held there at 9am & 9pm Eastern time.

Take care
Christy

-- Edited by Christy at 20:56, 2005-09-24

sanddie · Senior Member

Well.... the answer is simple really! Your daughter is a grown adult accountable for her OWN actions and choices. Her actions require another to take action to protect the children and unfortunately she must suffer the consequences of her actions. You also have a choice to continue to help her and prolong the effects of the consequences that each of us must face at some time in our life or stay back and let her fall.

As difficult as it is to watch her fall..... it's quite possible that is what needs to happen in order for her to truly come to terms with what is important in her life. It is unfortunate that some never discover that though and the ultimate consequence could mean their life. But again, this is out of our control and in God's control and all we can do is pray and ask God for strength and comfort to get through the pain we deal with in watching another self destruct. :(

Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 20:56, 2005-09-24

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sandy... your post absolutely epitomizes the awful nature of this ugly disease... As caring, compassionate human beings, we end up "helping" our addicted love ones, which only enables and prolongs their suffering in the end.... It is sooooo hard not to try to "save her", over and over, but the other posters are right.... She has no rights to those kids right now, when she is in active alcoholism... Who knows, maybe losing her kids, even temporarily, will be her "rock bottom" and she will choose sobriety.... Some do, and some don't...

Your pain is obvious, and detachment is SUCH a tough thing to do.... I would encourage you to seek out a sponsor and/or F2F Al-Anon meetings, as you will need support right now.

Take care

Tom

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

Step One: We are powerless......

Regardless of just who or what it is...if it is anything other than ourself, we are powerless to change or fix it. The only person/thing we have control over is ourself. This can be the hardest and most heartbreaking thing a parent has to learn. When our children are young, we are honored with the privilege (and the duty) to teach them, to guide them, to advise them, and to love them. Then comes a day when they reach that age of "adulthood" and go out on their own. They will make decisions/choices. Some we will agree with...others not. We can express our opinion, but the ultimate choice of what to do still belongs to them, not us. Some people need to learn by experiencing things themself - I know I did. Many is the time I went against my own mother's opinion of things. Many is the time I ended up saying "mom was right". But I had to learn that on my own.

My son has made a choice that breaks my heart. How I wish I could change it. Step One: I am powerless.....

Please know there are those of us here who understand your pain, who feel it too. Please know we are here to help support you through this.

Much love and ((((hugs)))))) to you.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"