The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My therapist told me last night in an individual session that if I were more "whole" as a person (not co-dependent, had worked through my family of origin issues etc..) that my wife might not have gotten drunk last Saturday night and we might not have had the two day, very ugly, marital spat that we did.
His comments seem to be in conflict with the 3 c's that I've read about. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. His comments suggest that there is a fourth "c" that says I CAN contribute to it.
I can't control the actions of another person, and they can't control me. That does not mean that my actions and behavior don't influence the response of another person. To me this is a very important and often overlooked piece of the puzzle when trying to sort out relationship problems. I'm not sure how this whole conversation with the therapist came about, but maybe his point was to try to get you to look at YOUR part in the dynamics of the relationship. We all (A or non A) have a tendency to only look at the behavior of others, focus on that and overlook our part in the nasty crap that happens. I know from first hand experience I did it for years and still catch myself doing it. Looking back, my ex was certainly guilty of it too, she still does not see it though.
The point is I think we all must try to keep our sides of the street clean and not avoid picking up after ourselves just because the other side is really filthy. Besides, regardless of your wife's behavior, what negative outcome could there be for you if you did work on your co-dependent and family of origin issues?
Is your therapist from the so-called 'normal' world, and not at all familiar with addictions? I think it is fairly common, for therapists who know NOTHING about alcoholism & addictions, to suggest these types of things.... In my opinion, it is crucial that any therapist you see is well educated in the addictions field, or they will end up giving such crappy advice.
JMO
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
In my humble opinion this therapist is WAY off. We too had visited a therapist asking about our son and what we could do...he basically had NO concept of the disease. I found that the moment I entered the program and located a sponsor suddenly I was handed healthy tools for MY life. I also learned through this program healthy tools for coping with the A's in my life...past and present. I'm sorry, but the best thing I did was get to a face to face meeting and talk with OUR people, those who have lived it, worked it, seen it and understood it. Remember in Al anon we use the exact same tried and true steps as used in AA. If you still question this issue may I suggest picking up a Big Book from an open AA meeting or an A you know and reading it from front to back. Exchange terms such as drinking to whatever your hang up is, controlling etc and you will have your answer.
Yes, not all therapists know anything about addictions, and may not give useful advice
and
Yes, you have a part in what happens in your life. It is very tempting to justify our own lapses from acceptable behaviour, if the person next to us is REALLY lapsing, but it's not the way to personal growth. The more you take responsibility for your part in things, the better things in general will be.
I know that when I stopped nagging and ragging on my husband, he did not stop drinking, but the huge fights in our house stopped. Life became more livable.
I really agree that alot of therapists are clueless when it comes to addiction.
That comment seemed off base to me too.
My husband, for some reason, never plays the blame game. I'd refuse to accept the blame anyway. They are completely responsible for their own actions. It's true we can instigate fights but we can't cause them to drink.
