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In previous post I talked about leaving my husband about 7 weeks ago. I have since gone home to empty promises of him doing better. I have been home for almost a week now and I am already ready to leave again. I know if nothing changes, nothing changes. I don't know what to do. I am trying so hard to follow the program and keep the focus on me. Not only is my husband an alcoholic but apparently he has picked up a crack cocaine habit. I have found evidence all over the house of crack cocaine use (glass pipes and copper scrubbing pads used for filtering). I am trying so hard not to say anything to him about this but I feel like I am about to bust! I feel that having to deal with his alcoholism alone is almost more than I can take! It isn't bad enough how alcoholism can destroy families but I have also seen the effects of crack cocaine on families. Users are willing to give up everything for this drug. They will steal, lie, and cheat to get it. It scares the hell out of me! I don't know how I let him hit bottom with this. I know that if his use with this drug gets to heavy he will spend every dime he has on it. I don't want him to drag me down with him. I could leave to protect myself but I don't know if that is the answer. I'm left feeling scared and confused.
If you are going home to empty promises, your pain is really self inflicted. It doesn't sound like you have any kids, so leaving, although painful, is not as complicated as if you had kids. He's not ready for recovery so the best thing you can do is let him hit his bottom, hopefully for both of you it will be soon. Our disease is so powerful and denial is so strong that we actually believe the lies we tell ourselves. Don't expect him to rational or honest with you, he's incapable of being that way with himself right now. Take care of you, and don't take his behavior personally. He's in a lot of pain right now and will find any excuse but himself for it right now.
Hang in there, the fact that you are addressing your problem means you are on your way to recovery. Don't give up, it takes time.
I too deal with and A that uses cocaine. It is a hard life and I question myself about staying and leaving. I work hard on myself but know I can work harder. I worry about things like "will he go to the bank and take out money?' I know I need to do somethings to protect myself but haven't yet, like a seperate bank account etc. There is no easy answers and right now I keep thinking I will know when there is no more hope. I know this isn't much but I hope it helps.
My husband is also a crack addict. I found what worked for us, until he came to sobriety, was for me to have a few very well thought out boundaries. He knew I didn't like it, was worried about his health and so on, but I very seldom spoke to him about that part of it. I put my foot down about a few things - - no dealing. I knew that it would just be a matter of time before he was caught, and the impact on the kids would be enormous. - not in the house. I didn't want the kids to see their dad sucking on a crack pipe, and he didn't want that either. He used out in the garage, and I'm sure the kids knew that something was going on, but not exactly what.
These were the only boundaries I had, and because they were so few, because he basically agreed with them and because he knew I would leave with his kids if he broke them, he honoured them. If I had known then what I know now, I would have added one more -some sort of separation of assets. He was spending WAY more money than I realized, luckily most of our money was tied up so he couldn't get at it without me knowing, or we would be broke, now. As it is, we are still digging our way out of debt, three years later, with him making very good money the whole time.
The reality is, this is a very hard addiction to fight. If he is just trying to quit, without any program, or any help, chances are, that he will not make it. If he is willling to try to quit, but having trouble, I know that CA has some online chats. CA meetings are hard to find, but the program is the same as AA, and if he goes to AA, he will probably meet some guys there with the same problems. Of course, if he is not willing to face the problem, there is nothing you can do but try to protect yourself. You're right, addiction can destroy everything, we have so many friends with this addiction who have lost everything, including their lives. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. I hope you are going to meetings, this is too hard to do alone.
