The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was working 7 days a week this summer, plus taking care of the kids, so I had no free time at all. Now that school has started and the first few hectic weeks are over, I hope things will be settling down.
They say our HP puts us in places for reasons. This summer the girl I worked with every day is a born again Christian. She is also divorced from 2 alcoholics and is an adult child of alcoholics.
I have to admitt, I completely enjoyed working with her and she talked a lot to me about her life. She did not try and convert me but shared her beliefs and biblical knowledge with me. We began and ended each day with a prayer, she suggested it, and believing ful heartedly in the power of prayer, I was more than willing.
I learned a lot about myself this summer. A lot of things I didn't realize, or chose not to see. My Coworker pointed out to me many times about turning my life over to my HP, or God as she caled him. She made me realize that the one thing I had never done was let go. I have hung onto control for dear life. I have always talked the talk, but in reality I was always looking for a way to make things happen. My mind is always in overdrive, it is no wonder I am always exhausted.
She said that she sees in me a strong, intelligent, hardworking, and devout woman, but she says while I believe and worship, I will not trust in him (my HP) to take me to what is right. No matter what I believed, I was always stearing the ship, even if it was going in a different dirrection, I continued to try and force it my way.
She asked me one day what I think my life would be if I ever put the energy I waste on my A husband into me and only me. She said Jeannie it would be unbelievable. She said my faith is so strong and my energy and determination so vast, who knows what I could accomplish if I aimed it at something that I actually could control.
For a few days I kept a journal, writing down every time my mind thoughts or actions wandered to my A. You would not believe the pages I filled up!
I argued with her that I had learned a long time ago that I cannot control my husbands drinking, that I accepted that. She said then why does almost your every move and thought still attempt to do it? She was right. I was working extra days to try and allow him more time to work on his recovery. His answer was to not go to meetings, but spend the extra money. I am a hands on parent, but I realize out of fear, I do it all, so he doesn't have to. I began to see how ridiculouse my life was when another co worker drove by my house at 10PM and I was mowing the lawn by flashlight. She said Jeannie for God sakes you are not the energygizer bunny, Go to bed!
I tried an experiment, I let him and his Mother have free reign, they both found fault with a perfectly clean house. They found fault with property that was maintained, and to top it of, I was working 7 days a week ten hours a day, and that woman still had the gall to say I was lazy, should get another job and stop sucking her son dry.
The next day I was upset over this, and was venting to my friend at work, and she said "Jeannie stop, look at yourself, you cannot possibly put any stock in this, you know it isn't true yet you let it get to you." She said it is proven, nomatter what you do, you could work 24/7, and they would find fault, and justify his drinking and laziness at your expense, and you let them. She reminded me that I might read, go to meetings, pray and work my program, but I was missing the most important step, to let go, to really let go.
I'm on a mission right now. I haven't realy let go, but I am aware of it, and trying. I am trying to put me and the kids first, not because of his drinking, but because it is where we belong. I am dealing with my guilt issues, and I am asking for help, from my children and even my husband. I am taking it all off of me and trying to leave some of the resonsibility to others. For me this is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I am trying.
My HP took a long backbreaking summer and turned it into a time of awakening for me. Now it is my job to follow through.
I am so glad that you are back!!!! Sounded like your HP had big planns for you this summer. I am glad that you discovered what you were meant to!!!
I have been wondering how you are doing and thinking about you alot.
I am also glad that you posted this as it is a reminder to me that even though I do work my program and often think that I am doing well I too have problems letting go!! You know I do go for a while and get to thinking that I have this licked and then it is posts like yours that make me realize that I have taken it upon myself to take control again.... Control of some thing that no matter how hard I try it is not MINE to control.
Thanks for the reminder!!!! I think that at one time or another we all do this and HP does show us it just takes us time to really see it!!
That was very inspiring Jeannie. I too would like to say that I have been able to let go of the control when in all actualality I haven't. Awareness is the key. Keep up the good work.
It is good to hear from you Jeannie. I have missed you. Yes, letting go is important, and so is taking care of yourself. I realize that with 6 youngsters and you with the responsibility it is not easy to take time for Jeannie, even if it is only mental time. You are such an inspiration. I never fail to get a "warm, fuzzy" feeling from your posts. Thank you. By the way, how about getting one of the kids to mow.
Love to you, and caring, and best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are right, I should get one of the kids to mow. The fact that they don't is because I took it back. I wanted it done perfectly. I wanted it mowed in the same direction, swept up just right, everything put back in the perfect spot, and edged to my standards. So since I wanted it done my way I ended up doing it.
The kids did an okay job, but it was not quite right, so I ended up re doing it. ( in their defense when I had a lawn service a few years ago, I used to touch up after they left). My issues and I am trying to let them go.
It is now their job again, and if it is not quite what I wanted, I have been stuffing my hand in my mouth and walking away, saying thank you. I am a perfectionist, and I have to let up on that. I am trying.
i am so glad you posted, I learned a lot from what you wrote. My husband has been sober for i guess a week and it is sooooo hard to let him go...and live his own life. I have to remind myself every minute to not try to do his life for him. Or talk to him about recovery or using or anything manipulative. It is very hard. He cannot be my focus and I must clamp my mouth shut literally sometimes when I want to bring stuff up that is none of my business. So thank you for the great post and i am also glad you are back.
I have missed you and thought of you! Sounds like your summer was a lot like mine, working 7 days a week 14 hours a day. Boy do we have a lot in common, except I don't have 6 kids!
You're right about learning to let go, being a perfectionist is a full-time occupation in its own right. Dishes..laundry..sweeping..etc etc, yep, there's only so many hours in a day.
Work work work, yep, it sounds familiar. I think for me, all that work and being a perfectionist was my way of 'racking up points'. I always did everything the hard way, as if there was some extra merit in working harder than I had to. I still do, and have to keep telling myself "There's no one keeping score!" Good to see you back, Jeannie
