The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so, here I am at work. The phone rings and it is my A. His uncle (also an A who is active) got drunk last night and they had words and he threw my A out. Now he has nowhere to live. Wants to sit down and "talk" b/c he can't continue paying the house bills if he needs to get an apartment. I aksed him if this was his plan. He said not right now...he needs about 3,000 for an apartment (we live in NY) and doesn't have it. So what do you want to "talk" about I asked. I am not going to feel guilty b/c you have nowhere to go. We are separated. Don't pay the bills, although it will be hardship for me and he is now going back on his word (he promised to take care of things), I don't want anything from you. He said he doesn't want to make such a rash decision he wants to "talk". It's just one thing after another. I definitely know this incle and know that this is a possibility. What do I do now? I feel pressured. Why did he feel the need to call me at work and tell me this? I told him that I cannot "talk" about anything until after the weekend b/c it is my birthday and my best friend is coming up from Florida. Please help!
I've always found that consistancy is important in situations like this. You need to protect yourself first from being hurt any more than you have.
Whatever you decide make sure you are not doing it with any hidden resentment. My ex did that to me quite a bit. She would go along with something I wanted, or make a difficult decision, but secretly hold a resentment. I would be either blind to it at the time, or maybe I chose to ignore it. When it eventually surfaced, she would be angry with me for something that she had origionally agreed with at the time. Not a healthy situation for either of us. If you decide to let him in, take responsiblity for that choice and the negative outcomes that might result. If you decide to take full financial responsibility of the home, realize that that is YOUR decision and don't hold it against him later.
It sounds like you're in no-win situation right now and I feel for both of you. This disease sucks.
I have remained strong although difficult. I told him that he would not want me to take him back in only b/c I felt sorry for him, would he? I am not ready for him to be back here. He asked what I think about the future for us. I said I am taking it one day at a time like I am supposed to and I am trying not to think about the future. This is so hard. Fighting the old impulses to call and check with his uncle to find out the story, fighting the old impulse to take him back to make sure he's not going to screw up again. But, I'm doing it. I told him that I'm sorry that he's in this situation, that I love him, and that I hope it all works out for him. He says it's difficult to stay sober when you have nowhere to live. I felt like saying it's difficult to live when someone isn't sober and your living with them....that's why your homeless right now. But I didn't. I'm trying, guys. But this is hard.
Wow I find that strange that your A said "it is hard to stay sober when you are homeless". Puh- leez. It is hard to stay sober in any given situation if you look at it that way. When he did have a home, did he stay sober???????? NO. More of the "poor me" attitude that a lot of A's have is the way I see it. Even if it is true, he is a big boy and makes his own decisions. Has he even once said he will get sober, like you keep telling him? As in "get sober and we'll talk"? No, he says the opposite-Well now I have another reason to drink, Yeah! So do what you want to do Kim but I hope you stay strong for yourself. Just remember , YOU ARE WORTH IT!!
Wow I find that strange that your A said "it is hard to stay sober when you are homeless". Puh- leez. It is hard to stay sober in any given situation if you look at it that way. When he did have a home, did he stay sober???????? NO. More of the "poor me" attitude that a lot of A's have is the way I see it. ...
I'm not defending insane behavior or thinking, but please try to understand that you are dealing with a sick person who is incapable right now of sane thinking. You might not find anything 'strange' about it you look at it that way. Would you find it strange if a diabetic showed syptoms of his disease because he did not monitor and correct his blood sugar? The "poor me" attitude is also not really a choice at this point for the guy. I hate to see it, don't agree with it, but I know I could never be judgemental about someone in that state because I know many, many, people who were once like that because of the disease.
ok Maybe I let my bitterness get the best of me, I don't know. I'm just doing the best I can but i apologize if I said the wrong thing. But just my opinion.
I understand both sides of what is being said. My A is very much in the poor me's and needs to get it together. Sobriety will bring him that. He has been going to meetings for the past 2 weeks and did an intake at outpatient treatment. But he's not there yet. I have been through this enough to see that this is too new.I know that in my heart. if he is feeling those poor me's he is not there. And that person I will not accept back in my life. The one with the sense of entitlement as big as all hell. I thank you both for giving both sides and getting some balance to the situation. After reading this Iwas able to call my A. I asked him how he was. Not b/c of guilt or fear, but b/c I wanted to see how he was. To tell him that I do love him and I'm sorry he's going through this. I am truly. But I don't want him back. Not now. We talked. It actually went well. He feels like I'm leading him on. He says if I want a divorce then say it. I said "this is not b/c I don;t love you, it's b/c I love you...you need to love yourself. Pick yourself up and get it together...b/c if you can't, I'm gone. This is your oppotunity to find your own way. But nothing means I don't love you." He accpeted it. It was good. I was happy that I could say that. Happy that i can feel that way and yet keeps my boundaries. Each day is a new day. I don't need to make decisions right now.
You must maintain consistency just as surely as if you were dealing with a child. Hang in there; be strong. I send you prayers and positive thoughts. Things have a way of working out. They will for you too. Faith.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
