hi everyone!

thank you for your replies to my last posts...one of them a pity party!  but the next day, after my pity party about staying up late to unwind and all that, i got up the next day and got to it, and have been doing good ever since, as far as not wasting my days away, even IF i stayed up late the night before.  maybe i just needed to whine a bit, see it typed in black and white, and get off my pot.  i don't know.  but i have been tackling those 'extra' projects around the house ever since, and even have all the blocks to my grandaughter's blanket all sewed together!  it feels SOO good to be sewing again!  but i'm not being manic about attacking projects, either.  i'm just kind of plugging away, little bits at a time, at stuff.

also, for those of you who know my mom is nearing the final stages of alzheimer's, i got a couple of books on it, and it is really helping me transfer the 'disease' thinking towards my a.  more than i am usually able to do.  it is really helping me not get all wacko when i know it is his disease acting up.  helping me just stay calm and remember it's not really him.  i still bitch at him (altho with not quite as much venom as usual), but my insides are calming down somewhat.  i repeat...somewhat!  but i am feeling a difference inside of me.  and boy do i welcome it with open arms!  it hasn't stopped him from blasting me with his mouth when he's drunk, but it's helped me.  leave it to my mom to still be helping me, even in the throws of her horrible disease!  helping me without even knowing it, by reading up on her disease. 

i just feel reassured how much hp is in control of everything.  my faith is renewed.  i don't really know why i am suddenly handling things better, but i just know i am.  if you were a mouse in the corner at my house, you may not think i'm doing better, cuz i still get so frustrated with my a and his behaviors and his 2 yr old mentality, but i just know that inside i am feeling different lately.  and in situations where my a and i would be fighting, and i would just get stubborn and not be nice to him for days....lately, after maybe 10 minutes i am calming down and either changing the subject, or saying something to change the course of conversation.  i don't know where it's coming from, altho in my mind, i think the alzheimer's books are helping, but it is definitely something i have not experienced in a long time. 

i also found out last thurs. night that my nephew-in-law has tried to take his life twice since 7/4/05.  my niece is just 2 1/2 yrs younger than me, and we grew up like sisters.  also, for those of you who know, my son-in-law just died a yr ago from taking his own life.  so, being able to be there for my niece has also redeemed my self esteem a little bit.  in fact, her mom (my sister) called my sister, lynn, about it last thurs. nite, and i am the only one lynn called in the family, cuz she said she knew if anyone in the family could help, i could.  (and of course, my daughter, who's husband is the one that took his life).  but my sister, lynn, has always said, that because of everything i have been through, i always seem to know how to talk to people who are going thru things that most people are afraid to talk to them about.  that has always been an esteem booster for me, when my sister says that to me. 

i have to admit, i'm unsure of this new-found optimism, because usually it lasts for a little while, and then back down in the pits i go.  but i am rejoicing right now that i am feeling better.  altho, i am up this late tonite, cuz i went to bed two hrs ago, and my a woke up and just started ragging on me and ripping on me, so i got up and came to the comp cuz i couldn't just lay there and listen to all his #$*(.  and of course, as soon as i walk out, he rolls over and gets all comfy like he's sooo glad that i left the room, like it's ,MY fault that we started arguing.    that crap still hurts, and in spite of all the positives i'm feeling, i still want to ring his neck for beingso abusive.  i just wanted to go to bed and go to sleep!  and now tomorrow he'll bitch at me for staying up so late.  sigh....

well, i just wanted to share, cuz it seems that since i've started posting again, things are looking up.  it's a start, anyway....

thanks so much, everyone!

Lori