The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well today is my anniversary....three years married to my A. He has been calling incessantly for the past 6 days to get me to see him for dinner this evening. As you can see I did decline. He called again this morning....to say Happy Anniversary. I said nothing in return. He sent a dozen red roses to my job this afternoon with a card that said " I will always remember this day as the best day of my life and I hope you will again". I called to say Thank you. He went to outpatient today for an intake he must attend three days a week and one more slip and they will place him in an inpatient facility. I was fine most of the day.....tonight I told him in anger that I have been miserable for the past three years (not all true). He said if you felt that way why haven't you ended this completely...I said "Ok" and he hung up the phone. Now I am sorry for what i said. I am so angry and I can't let go of it. The lying the cheating (another one of his many indiscretions) I'm just angry. And sad. I'm not so sure that I want a divorce. I haven't been able to make that decision. Please help.
Sometimes putting off making a decision is a decision. One thing that always bothered me about my ex's decision to divorce is that, although the decision ultimatley may not have been wrong, I felt it was too soon to decide. I was going through so many changes in early sobriety and she was so consumed by anger and fear, I don't think either one of us was thinking clearly enough to make a rational decision. I felt then, and still feel, that if both people have not tried their best by showing forgiveness and each of them really cleaning up thier own sides of the street, it is too soon to decide, especially with kids involved. Removing yourself from a painful or dangerous situation is not the same as deciding to divorce.
That saying "sometimes making no decision is a decision" really helped me some months ago.
I really felt that I needed to file divorce but wasn't ready and that saying got me through many days.
I did then and still do just get through one day and don't worry about tomorrow. I used to worry incessantly about the near and far future---should I divorce, how will I pay the mortgage--what about this and that, etc??
You are doing what you need to do today and tomorrow may be different. When you look back months may have gone by and you got through it.
I feel for you .. This is so hard. As you know I just left my husband of 19 years and boy let me tell you it is terrible The pain is worse than I ever could have imagined.
I saw an attorney today and her advise suprised me .. She said, dont do it until you are absolutely sure .. Once you go there it is hard to go back. I decided to wait.
Dont be so hard on yourself. It is so frusterating when they wont answer the phone. Try leaving a message at least you will get to say what you want.
I dont know if I am right or not but I am trying to detach with love. I love you but your addiction is not acceptable. I have told my husband I love him as recent as tonight. It feels good. I dont know what tomorrow will bring but I am admitting that I love HIM not his BEHAVIOR. I dont have any great words of wisdom just a big shoulder to cry on .. Just know that you are not alone.
My partner and I split up last week after three years and it really hurt so I know how you are feeling. He then came back for a night ('for good'), panicked next morning and left again. At the moment he has now come back (yesterday) and things feel like they have really shifted for us both - I can only hope whilst at the same time leaving it in the hands of my HP knowing that I can be ok whatever the result. This board has helped me so much over the last week to look after myself and try to let go of the worry about him. We are both trying to take things a day at a time and who knows........
I don't know if this helps but you are not alone in this and you will be ok, give him and yourself some time. That not beeing in my case 'allowed' to phone him bit was hellish but coming here helped me take the focus off him and look after my self. It has been working for me, as soon as I started to actively work my programme (in what often feels like my own inadequate way! but I guess that's ok too) I found a sense of stillness inside (at least some of the time) that helped me through and I have found that in the short few hours he has been back I have been responding to him in a very different way almost without realising it - which is quite incredible so that HP of mine must be more active than I thought!!!
Given time and space, whatever the decision you make will come when your HP decides that it's time for you to make that decision. Sometimes space can be a great equalizer. It allows both parties to clear their heads if you will. Now you can focus on you and your recovery.
Tammy's statement about detaching with love, seems to work for me as well. Not always easy, and yes lonely at times. But that's okay. Just take a deep breath, step back and keep on going. We know what you're going through. The answers will come.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think the hardest part sometimes is not rushing what is happening in our lives, I agree with the above post, sometimes not making decision is the decision, hang in there, pray and believe your HP is doing what is best for you right now.
I can totally relate to the "rushing".....I battle often the feeling of impatience and wanting a change NOW. Of course, this is after years of living in a situation that seems to be standing on my last nerve. I get so bad sometimes that I can't even think straight! My head is so full of "noise" that I feel like I am going to go crazy.
This morning I found myself on my knees just bawling BEGGING my HP to just take the noise and confusion away. Amazing what prayer can do for a person. Even though my situation hasn't changed, Ifeel much calmer now than earlier.
Karilyn's comment..."whatever the decision you make will come when your HP decides that it's time for you to make that decision. " is very comforting to me. I do believe that if I can just be patient, that my HP will decide when it is time for my decisions. Right now it isn't.
Sometimes the best decision can be "no decision", at least for awhile.... I think anniversaries bring on extra emotions, feelings of loss and/or 'what could have been', etc., so it is not likely advisable to make decisions in the midst of that..... Try to take one day at a time (or one hour, or one minute, whatever it takes), and as you get healthier, your head will get clearer, and the right answers, for you, will become more apparent....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
