The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I went to a f2f meeting...ironically it was the first meeting I went to ~9 yrs ago. I remember being in a situation where I was at my wits end w/my ex and how I had this uncomfortable feeling sitting around the table listening to people talk about "being happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not". I had this feeling back then of craziness thinking that I could be happy w/my ex!
Fast forward 9 yrs...in a situation where I am w/a man who after many years of sobriety relapsed for a few years and now has decided to attempt sobriety. I literally have one foot out the door and am dealing w/a lot of confusion about what my next move is (ahem...problem is I keep giving it to my HP and then taking it back.).
I found myself w/the same feelings I did all those years ago sitting around that table last night! That same "wanting to literally run out of a meeting" feeling. I was uncomfortable and wasn't "hearing" the words that were said. I kept praying in my head during the meeting to help me be willing...willing to hear.
I struggled because in my mind what I was hearing was staying with the A. and being able to be happy. I knew that wasn't what was being said though! What was being shared was strength and hope in the Program of people who took care of themselves FIRST and relied on their HP...some ended up moving on w/their lives alone, some stayed together w/their spouse.
I left that meeting last night NOT w/a feeling like usual. You know, when you leave a meeting and feel "filled" in a good way. I left last night weird. Self reflection on the way home, I think I realized that I wasn't really handing this over to my HP. I am still trying to steer my own boat. I realized that I am still handing over too much of my power to my A all the while focusing more on him than me.
I was doing so well for so long.....it takes me a split second and I feel like I am all turned around again.
The meeting was on hope and disappointments....where I automatically thought of how that related to my marriage and my spouse, I realized afterwards that I needed to relate hope and disappointments to me personally.
Thank God we get a lot of "do overs" for ourselves!
If you go back and read your post you will realize how much you did learn last night. I have a problem of interupting my HP, I am learning and also have realized that I am a work in progress.
