Hi Everyone,

             Well..it's after 5am Saturday morning and I've been reading all the recent posts and some of the older ones to see what all I've been missing, for probably a few weeks now. I don't have anything to post about my "A" except that I'm just dealing with him one day at a time. We got into a heated argument about the HP subject, last night, which I know I'm not suppose to do, and with him being under the influence, it was totally useless anyway. If it wasn't for the pizza delivery guy...it could have been alot worse. Hmmmm...I just sat here and thought about this....was that my HP's way of intervening? Anyway, it's been a few weeks since I've read any of my Al-Anon book, or wrote in my journal. I don't know why...I guess I have just got to the point I know I'm leaving next Spring and everyday I talk to my HP just to give me the strength and patience to bear all this mess until then. My first husband was abusive and smoked pot all the time, and I was able to finally get myself and 2 small children out of that situation, so here I am with the kids grown and gone, and I don't understand why I'm waiting to get out here. I don't have the heart to tell #2 that I made a huge mistake marrying him not just once but twice. We divorced after 4 months the first time, and remarried 18 months later again. It took me this second time to really understand and see what I got myself into and now I want out. I'm so worried about what his parents (who live right up the road) will think if I leave him again, and I shouldn't even care. I'm just not one who goes around hurting people on purpose. And they wouldn't understand that's it's just not their son's drinking that is wrong with our marriage, it's our religious views. TOATLLY WAY DIFFERENT!! It's just not going to work. I'm not able to put my HP first in my life, or go to church, and that eats at me every single day!! I shouldn't be ashamed of what I believe...I should be bold enough to tell him if he doesn't like it, then I'm outta here! I just can't find the strength to do it, so I pray every day something will happen where I won't have to say anything...and it will all come to an end in a peaceful way. We live out in the country and my faith's congregation meets over an hours drive away from here. So that's another thing that keeps me from going. My car isn't all that great running because it's getting older, so I'm afraid to take the chance. Getting back home where I belong with my family and friends and faith is all I want. Next time I'll know better what to look for if that'd be my HP's plan for me. But for now, I know I don't have the desire or the strength to live with an "A". Life is just too short, and I guess because I'm getting older, I still have so many things I want to do, that I'll never be able to, if I stay here. I hope I don't come across as being selfish, but it's all been a big mistake and I just need, like everyone else, the support and understanding of people who know what I'm going through living with an "A". I ad-mire those of you who have had the energy to do it for years, for what ever reason, but as for me I just can't. I'd rather end it now, rather than wait years down the road. Well...I guess I'll go for now. I just want you all to know I appreciate having a place to come to vent, and I pray that each of us will find the happiness and love we deserve.                                            Hugs,                                                                                                                     Korinne