The material presented
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Some days I really hate my A. He is sober now almost a year but still very selfish. Now life is all about him getting sober. I really could care less about how hard it is. Like it was easy to live with an A. Does he think it is easy running the house, working, remodoling home, taking care of the kids. He wakes up later than me goes out for the day meeting and little stuff. Then spends 15 to 20min with kids before he has to call his sponser. Then off to a night meeting. So I make dinner put the kids to bed and all the rest. Today he does not feel well so I guess the world must stop to make him feel better. I don't think so. Did the world stop for me when I get sick I think not. All those times when I would get the kids off to school dance everthing sick. He was active do you think he helped. NO!!! Now he thinks I'm going to be extra nice because he sick. I think not. I guess I just needed to Vent. Just because A gets sober their not any better to live with. Well a little better but their still selfish. All about the A. And if he ever says WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRINK? Oh yes please put me though that Hell again. All about the A. Also I don't like his program getting stuffed down my face. Every other thing well in the big book , my sponser says , or at a meeting i heard. Please enough already get over it. Life is not all about You. It really never goes away. Now do I feel like living like this for the rest of my life. Not sure. Their are kids or I would have been gone. Ok good points I don't worry that he is coming home drunk or going to kill some one on the way home. We don't have the drunk fight anymore. I can leave my kids and feel safe. I can go out with friend or shopping and not have to check in to see if he is drunk yet. I feel safe if people stop by that he will not be drunk. I guess I just though when A got sober he my be a little less selfish. But that doen't go away or hasn't yet.
When I get many of the feelings that you posted about I don't look to the "A" to place the blame on. It won't do any good. I look within myself. When my hubby got sober/clean I thought everything would be OK . But that kind of thinking is loaded with expectations of what will be. It is bad thinking on two counts...
1. Having expectations for another person
2. and trying to predict the future.
Many come in the fellowship and think once their "A" sobers up everything is going to be great. Well that isn't necessarily the fact. The original problems still remain. For me making a gratitude list and using a great deal of acceptance gets me through. Remember that each one of us on this earth is an imperfect soul. We all have our flaws and by accepting these flaws we can begin to live again. This is just what has helped me . Take what you like and leave the rest.
Nikkilou, thank you for your honest and frank post. I, too, find that my A is very selfish. He stopped for about 15 years, but has since started drinking every night now that our sons are adults. He never attended any AA meetings nor had a sponsor--we just avoided just about everything that might be a problem for him (socially), which meant we weren't party people...it was all rather boring, but we were raising our boys.
When he is sick (because of his drinking--which he hasn't figured out yet), he moans and groans about his health. Then I feel like I need to help him back to some degree of health (cooking, etc.) and I wait on him. But I told him that I wasn't going to do that anymore unless he cut back on his drinking, which he chose not to.
I think the best thing that has happened in our relationship is that I can express my thoughts and feelings about his behavior. I should have been able to do that years ago, but I didn't because I was afraid he would start drinking again, etc., and I was thinking of our family. I overlooked a great deal--like his spending habits and hobbies--way out of wack. I can't recall that he ever helped out that much, but I was able to stay home with my children when they were younger.
Now I express myself--which doesn't do much good--but, at least, I feel better. Take care of you; you can only do so much. Love and blessings to you and your family. Annie
Just keep coming here -- here where you will find unconditional love and support and validation for the great job you do as a "domestic engineer" and a Mother -- the toughest job you'll ever love.
We are here for you :)
yours in recovery
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I see a lot of my situation in yours. My wife, now ex, felt I was extremely selfish after I got sober. Looking back I'm sure I could have done things a lot better that first year, but I'm not sure I was even capable then of seeing what I see now. I know was not the same person in first year sobriety, I'd hope I was better than when active, but that does not make me perfect. I had to relearn just about everything about myself and how I react to things. I realize now that I had my head up my ass for a while. Here's my take on the differences of what my wife and I went through. Getting sober meant taking a good honest look at myself for the first time in my life, not a pretty sight. I think as a defense mechanism we can only process so much of the ugly stuff at once. I'm sure that made me not 'all there' like I wanted to be. I had to accept the fact that I didn't screw up my life overnight with alcohol, and it would be foolish to think I could straighten it out overnight. I was not always sure what the right thing to do was, I only new I wanted to hang on to sobriety and never go back to the living hell I was in. Selfish? You bet! Done out of fear? Absolutley! Sorry? Extremly! Avoidable? I'm not sure. The difference is an alcoholic works his program to save his life. A codependent does not depend on recovery for life itself.
Please try making a gratitude list and look at it daily. Try to envision how different that list would look if your A was still active. Also try to realize that things are changing for the better in your A's life, but maybe not according to your schedule. Are your expectations setting you up for dissapointment? Just because we stop drinking does not mean we still don't have a lot of work to do. It's progress not perfection. Hang in there, try to be patient, and please don't fall into the trap of still blaming your A for everything that is still not 'right' in your life. Don't expect that just because he is sober, all of your character defects magically went away. Nobody's Perfect. My wife gave up on us last year. I see now that I have so much more to give today than I did a year and a half ago, but she is still stuck in the pain and anger of the past to give it a chance.
ya know marriage is a living thing. It does not just go on without certain things.
I learned that a man and wife or partners need to share fun. Time alone together, date, hold hands, get that bond going and going.
It did not sound like you two share any special time together. I found when my A and i spend good time, and get close, we can talk about things, touchy things.
Maybe say, ya know I feel forgotten sometimes, I am so glad when someone is working hard on their sobriety, but ya know I still would love some atttention too.
I know it is hard when you are so frustrated, but maybe if you initiate an eve alone or a date or whatever you guys like,you can bring things up, carefully using I messages not saying YOU.
Or hold his hand and say, ya know i miss ya holding my hand.
Or hey come in here and do dishes with me would ya? Include him, draw him out.
It is a disease you know, sometimes they forget they are NOT the disease, there is so much more to them. I work HARD at never mentioning it.
If you guys can share other things, maybe he would be more likely to talk about something else.
Let him know, ya know when i am sick I like uh someone to read to me. or when i am sick I like it when you watch the kids so i can rest. Men do need us to tell them what we like and need.
The bottom line is that we are (mostly) responsible for everything--sober or not.
It took me awhile to not be resentful--but I've finally embraced it. I can do it on my own and I do.
I know you wanted him to become sober and begin to focus on the family. I just doesn't seem to work that way. I wish my A would embrace recovery. In early sobriety they are hanging on by a thread. My husband keeps relapsing but at one point I said I wanted marriage counseling but his addictions doctor said that he wasn't ready.
It's hard but focus on yourself and your family and it seems to get easier.
Nikkilou, I read the hurt and pain and bitterness in your post, and I feel badly for that. Those emotions are hard to overcome, and sometimes I think we never really do, Al Anon or not.
People are predisposed genetically to be the way they are. Your A is selfish, sober or not. This is the way he is. Sobriety can change many things in a relationship, but if the flaws are there to begin with, they are going to remain.
Take care and remember to be good to yourself
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
