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Hello all and many, many (((hugs)))) to you all!!!
I would like to thank you all for your wonderful words of support these past few days. My A called today during my work day (whic hi have asked him not to do) to ask me what I am doing "next week". He meant Tues. which is our three year anniversary. He wanted to take me to dinner. I see no reason. First, it annoys me that he feels that he can ask me in the first place. Second it bothers me that he asks me to go on a weekday and not on the weekend. Does that seem insane? He also said "you don't have to give me an answer right now if you don't want to" I said, "I'm not" and hung up. I don't know why I answered in the first place. I saw it was him, after all. Anyway now I'm confused.
I can see if you think it's too soon to see him, you're still raw. As for being bothered that he asked you out on a weeknight? Isn't that the day of your anniversary? My ex nit-picked everything positive I tried to do to the point where I figured there's NOTHING I can do to make a positive impact. I didn't put the tupperware away the right way (her way.) I didn't fold all the laundry the right way (her way.) When the kids complained that there was 'nothing good' to eat in the house (junk) it was my fault because I of the way I shop. Her last birthday I took my daughter shopping and we picked out some nice clothes and bath stuff. I made a special trip to an antique store to get an antique perfume bottle she had been admiring. I got gifts for the kids to give her and a nice card. Her comment, 'at least you could have had flowers sent to me at work, this is my 40th birthday.' How do you think that made me feel? If you think there is a chance of getting back together someday, be very careful about how your expectations can ruin something positive. He's showing that he cares for you in maybe the only way he can right now. You don't have to accept his offer, but be careful about being too picky that you burn bridges, it may come back to haunt both of you someday. I didn't want the divorce. I'm still upset that she asked for it after I got sober. If my ex does an about face and wants to reconcile, I'm going to have all this crap in the back of my mind to sort through, and I'm pretty sure she's burned enough bridges that I won't go back.
I can appreicate your situation, however, although yes it is my actual anniversary, I am at this point "on to" my A's manipulations. Not seeing me on a weekend leaves him open to get high and personally as I stated in my earlier emails my boundary was Get sober....then we will have a relationship. This is not about nit picking. I appreiciate the fact that you have been trying so hard (as it seems you have)....the past few weeks I have been dealing with an active addict who has put me through hell. Apples and oranges. When he was in the place you are I would never feel this way. Now however, is different.
I'm sorry if my reply seemed insensitive to what you are going through right now. I guess that shows how much more work I need to do to get past my self pity of being dumped in sobriety. It was not my intention to minimize the pain you are experiencing through this. I know how it feels to be on that emotional roller coaster. I read these posts of how much hell your A's put you through, and I'm guilty of being jealous that my ex wife did not hang in there a little longer. It hurts like hell.
Thank you Lou for your post. It takes a insightful person to state the things you have and you are further along than you think. I am sorry also that your wife didn't hang in there longer. I didn't want this separation either, however, felt it was necessary for my own mental health. It is difficult to be on my own but it is even harder to be (for me) with someone who is acitve. I've been through many promises, excuses, lies and the like in the past 5 years. I remember when my husband was active in his sobriety and him telling me how he never wanted to be one of the men who spoke of his "ex" wife. Divorce is hard on everyone whether your the one who chooses it or not. My prayers are with you during this time.
Does that seem insane?? Of course it does!! The chaos and lunacy of living around active alcoholism makes us all feel and do things that are "insane" in the so-called normal world.... By itself, your issue with weekday v. weekend could seem nitpicky or insane, but ya know what?? - it is EXACTLY where you are today, and that is just fine.
I say, go with your gut instincts.... You go girl!!
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
i am pretty new here my 3 year anniversary is also tuesday. but my a is mia since thursday night. i wish he would wake up but he is very selfish , its obvious he doesn't care about me or my daughter he only cares about himself and his beer. i wish you strength & luck. we were suppose to celebrate on saturday but i guess thats not happening, sorry to vent i am lost i wish i had your strength
