Subject: Meditation: Forgiveness

  Does my inability to accept my own failings cause me to see myself as
not measuring up?  For my own peace of mind, I need to forgive even the most damaging
transgressions; but forgiveness of others can only come when I have
learned to forgive myself.

OA For Today: I pray for a forgiving heart and the willingness to let
go of bitterness.

 

############ROSIE.......ok  for ME  forgivenes is on  THREE levels.....i think a lot of things come in threes......like  my  body----mind/emotions----spirit..........God the source---God the son---God the holy spirit......  lots of things to me,  come in threes....and for me,  forgiveness does too.....i'll describe to you  MY take on MY levels.....1 being the least severe ok????

LEVEL one......my neighbor runs over my favorite cat  , flattens her to a pancake....he is driving too fast,   maybe late for work..not paying attention   and SQUISH!!!!!  i am minus one pet!!  he comes to me,  *rosie i am SOOOO sorry*   with tears in his eyes,  he tells me how sorry he is and the FIRST baby kittens he sees that are *my type*  he will grab me one if i want it......i see his remourse,  i see his suffering over his careless mistake, and i say  *hey , neighbor,  you didnt' mean it,  dont worry,  its gonna be alright*    and so the next time he has a party,  i go to his house,   drink up tons of his beer and eat him out of house and home......case closed!!!!

LEVEL two....my mother....becomming an alcoholic,...she marries evil and he forces her to drink with him and she does....she gets hooked...also it is good *numbing tool* for the hell she finds her self married to...  she KNOWS she is trashing her family, she knows she is doing wrong,  but chooses to take that first drink.....as a result of her refusal to acknowledge, and get into recovey,  she allows me to be attacked by HER husband who happends to be MY father...my life is  severally wounded!!! i am afflicted with severe mental and emotional illness for which i will be in recovery for years!!!!   i know she grieved over her actions and that is why i am sure she drank herself to death....she KNEW she did me the worst wrong a mother can do....FAIL to protect me from the WORST of dangers and evil !!!!!  she cried all the time....a cry that would haunt you!!! not just your everyday  blubbering...this kind of cry was from the very core of her...and she was dying,  spiritually,  physically  all ways!!!!  she drank herself to death her guilt and shame was so much....and she DID try in her limited way to let me know she KNEW her life was a TOTAL  disaster, and that she messed me up!!! in her own way....in other words,  even though it was too much for her to face....she GRIEVED over it, and she paid the ultimate price!!!  drinking herself ,deliberately ,  to death!!!!!   i hated her at first....until recovery i hated her.....now????  i see the pitiful creature she was and MOST importantly i see that she was his victim too....she was not strong enough to overcome the evil!!!  it took her over...sucked her into the deep dark abyss....it killed her!!!!!   in my mind now??? what she did was reprehensible, but i can show pity and compassion for her because she paid the ULTIMATE price......end result....i have forgiven her,  i feel sorry for her,  i pray for the repose of her soul,  the redemption of her spirit.....and i can feel some compassion for this poor lady..i even still love her......

LEVEL three......my perp!!!  he beat me down  physically/ mentally/ emotionally/ spiritually so he could  *soften me up*  for later victimization....he fixated on me for perhaps years before he acted out his  devient sexual desires on me.....he read dirty magazines and books, and energized by his pornography he acted out his devient evil desires on GOD only knows how many young victimes...i am sure i wasn't the only one, but i must keep the focus on me.....i am willing to bet my paycheck that God sent angels TONS of them to  YELL at him   *NO--please don't--please do NOT murder this child*....but he turned a deaf ear to the Holy Spririt and everything that was decent......he even told me that this was God's will for fhe fathers to teach their daughters about sex.....he was pleased with his wickedness, in that he would actually  have a smile on his face when he caused some other human or animal suffering....he ENJOYED giving pain and suffering....i know!!!  i saw it on his face and in those evil / flat eyes of his...he used threats and bribery to make me *keep my mouth shut*   he even frightened me to death by telling me that *if you tell, they will put you in a woman's prison and you will get raped by the other women*....i was terrified....frozen in fear....he also  for three months, tried to get me to drown my  own mother....all summer my 16th summer, when we were living on cap cod, our summer residence,   he harrassed me to *get rid of her*....i of course couldn't bring my self to even THINK of such a thing...AND for  selfish reasons,  whatever interference she DID create in my attacks,   something was better than ZERO....i knew in my heart if ANY thing happened to her, there would be NO bridle on him at all....i would die!!!!!  this man reveled in creating suffering and misery.....he looked for opportunities to hurt someone, to take advantage of someone..........he was the darkest of the dark....a child predator!! a wife beater..an adulterer....he murdered my mother sure as hell!!!!!  my younger brothers are drinking and drugging themselves into early deaths because of the  mental/emotional and physical abuse he did to them..........have anyone of you ever thrown a stone into a pond and watched the eddies radiate out from it?????  well he is like that stone and i wonder  how that ONE pin point of evil (perp)  could radiate out SOO much pain and suffering....the bottom line???? he was never sorry.....never felt any guilt or shame....it was like he was missing something.....i think it was the Holy Spirit!!! that beautiful part of us from Jesus that .makes  good people feel bad when they do bad.....those who are missing it????  well   bad people don't feel bad when they do bad.....the perp was a sociopath.....he was a bad spirit with a bad heart!!!!!    my take?????   after discharging  the INTENSE emotions of  outrage and grief, i have FINALLY come to the point of *post flood*   i have discharged the worst of the emotional pain!!!  i have come to the point where i can say *God i take my hands OFF him--and i allow your hands to be ON him*........i released the evil from me.....i DETACHED from it!!!!  i unhooked from the   hate and resentment of it by CHOICE and by prayer and by DECIDING to......the best i can do for a dark entity like that is to  *turn it over to the source and get as FAR away from it as i can*    i CHOOSE to fill my heart up with LOVE for me, rather than HATE for him.....he is NOT worth any more energy of mine....he is OUT of my life...he is GONE!!!   i defeated him with  God and the 12 steps.....level threes,  you work through your pain and than dump them onto god and  LEAVE them!!!!!!