Hope for Today - September 14

I was raised by two alcoholics, and I felt angry
that I had to attend a support group to deal with
this fact.

#######ROSIE....yep, mom was a REAL *A*....he drank hard,  but was very much in control of when and where he drank....he had a  worse,  far worse  *problem*  he was a sex offender to children......so talk about being screwed up!!!  talk about someone who NEEDS alanon/ coda/ acoa,  the WORKS....and i was damned angry that i had to go to support group to clean up the results of his  deviant sexual desires,  and  her getting so stone plastered she didn't even help me....yeah, i was full of resentment.....first they sentence me to a life of hell,   NOW i have to FURTHER live it in recovery....its like  *ok, when do i get to live for ME???? spend time on me for me????? do stuff i want to do????*

I had not chosen my parents or their
problems. Yet I was faced with the repercussions
of their drinking. I resented my parents and
begrudged giving up time to attend Al-Anon.

########ROSIE.....no i sure didn't either....and they had choices just like me....she had  a disease, yes,  but she CHOSE to keep drinking!!! she CHOSE  to buy that bottle / bring it home/  and get crap faced drunk.......he CHOSE  to gratify his devient needs rather than to  get on his knees and beg for help......they  CHOSE what they did!!!  i did NOT choose to be  abandoned at best.....beaten/sexually assaulted/verbally assaulted/spiritually assassinated......i resented them BIG TIME!!!!  i hated them.......this was THEIR crap i was cleaning up!!!!! 

At
least the spouses of alcoholics had the choice of
marrying the person. I had no choice about who my
parents would be.

########ROSIE....that is right!!  she could have left him....DID leave him, only to be enticed back into his sticky web....and she drug us little ones with her  BACK into his web.....talk about my not having any choices...maybe that is why  i am so much a control freak now,  or i shoudl say  recovering from control freakiness,  because i want a CHOICE....not realizing that  just because i am not in control of some of life events, i can CHOOSE  how i behave.....but yeah, i felt like a leaf floating on top of a pond on a windy day...wherever the winds wanted to blow me is where i had to go...didn't matter if i wanted to just float over here *by the edge of the pond*   no!!! i had to go where the winds decided to move me........

My group allowed me to stew in my resentment.
They let me rail against Al-Anon, and no one insisted
I be grateful for alcoholics or for the program.
They simply told me to keep coming back. I shared
my discontent, complained that it wasn't my fault,
and ranted and raved about my parents.

#######ROSIE.....oh yeah,  mine too, i had some good people whom i met who had gone through the same  *initiation period*  where you are majorally  *pee o'd*  cause you are here out of someone ELSES inventory,  i didn't even SEE that i had collected some of my own  crappy inventory called  *survival tools*.....i kept being encouraged to *come back* too,  like they didn't care about my bitching as long as i kept comming back.....*WOW*  this was great...i could finally vent and be HEARD....and validated!!!!  and i too  RAGED about my parents,  especially the perp.....i  vented/ ranted/ raged so much about him i wore ME out , never mind my group mates....i had only one guy  *flame me* on pvt email on a group i was in  about having to  *visit the same ole sad problem over and over again*   and i *flamed him back*  by telling him   *hey crap for brains!!! i am gonna discharge my feelings until i no longer HAVE to and  i am NOT looking for your approval on it!!  so get over it and work your OWN  F$%$%$% inventory!!*  looking back i guess that was a step 4/5/6/7/8/9  thingy,  but i'll make the amend to me  in that i need to manage my hate for abusers better.....

Gradually
I found myself actually looking forward to my
meetings. I was glad I could go to a safe place
where people understood and accepted me. I
became a grateful, recovering member of Al-Anon.
With the group, the Al-Anon tools, and my Higher
Power, I learned that although my parents may
initially have been responsible for many of my
problems, the solutions were up to me.

#######ROSIE.....after a while,  when i began to  SEE    FEEL the growth in me,  the peace i was feeling, the growing love for ME, i began to think  *hey this isn't too bad and i am meeting great people*  so i began to look at this program as not  *his poop scooper*   but MY  lesson in  *life 101*  and MY chance to live a better life....i was accepted...i was understood,  and i was VALIDATED......noone expected me to be anythign but ME.....i was enough!!!!  that was TOO cool.....i also saw that i could  stay a victim or volunteer rather,   OR i could stop this  *round after round* of misery and change my karma for the good......this is a *how to on LIFE*   even people who are NOT messed up should go!!!  there is NO better way to  relate with myself and god and life  but with this 12 steps.......i learned  *let it begin with me*  and the evil DID stop with me....i confronted it,  i got attacked by a family member,  but i confronted it!!!  i grabbed it by the throat and said  *NO more!!! i am , through my HP,  STOPPING you--- it starts with me--- it ends with me*    the buck stopped with me!!!!  i became my SOLUTION.....i defeated the evil with  my God and my 12 steps program!!!!!   ...sure,  i will let the feelings fly when something arises,  howEVER, i am thirsty to seek the solution to the problem....what step??? what slogan???  do i need to get into a meet??? do i need to call my sponser????   its like  *ok,  now i know the facts-- accepted the facts--- whats the SOLUTION???*

I finally
grew up in Al-Anon. I've grown so much it's hard to
remember the old me. Although my parents have not
chosen recovery, my relationship with them
continues to improve considerably as I apply the Al-
Anon principles to my interactions with them.

######ROSIE....yeah,  its like i am in my 2nd lifetime in the same body...even my body is responding.....ibs is GONE!!!!   i FEEL better/  more frisky/  just plain better.....my parents died never addressing their inventory!!!  i pray for the repose of her soul because she was his victim too,  and the poor creature took all this pain and darkness with her when she died.....i trust that God took into account that she was victimized and programmed and destroyed ....the only diference between me and her, was i was a bit tougher, a bit meaner,  a bit more resilliant,   and a HELL of a lot luckier.....a relationship with them is   *n/a*  for me...they are both dead...i trust he is paying 10 fold the karma he put on his family.....i HAD to give it over to karma in order to let go.....i could never punish him like the universe i am sure is......so hanging onto revenge/ resentment etc is only hurting me....i fill my heart with love for me.....there is NO room for hate for that piece of sewerage....NO room....i apply my alanon tools to my living family....i set BIG boundaries on this *A* abusive brother who hates my guts for changing my name,   *not wanting my perp's name*  well i am not looking for his approval and told him so,  i also told him i was going to take care of ME/  do what EVER it takes to heal me  and too bad if it is not accepted!!!!  the people who count support me....i support me....GOD SUPPORTS ME......so why waste time on someone like that  i say *god bless and keep him away from me*...the others love the changes they are seeing in me.....my oldest sister , jane,  is a classic example......she is the oldest,   then there is  kay, my beloved favorite,  and then me...i am the youngest of the girls.....kay studied the 12 steps stuff on coda's  and is doing EVERYTHING to  understand my plight and to help me and my recovery means the world to her......i think my severe problems bewildered jane!!!  its like maybe she just did not know how to deal with me, so she did nothing......we are talking about *it*  now....the abuse....the severe injuries/wounds it caused me....as i recover  i remember  kay trying to hide me from him.....jane trying to get him to *leave her alone---go to bed*   so they DID try to distract the evil and they were afraid and just kids themselves......this step 12 program is doing wonders for me.....i also have learned and i feel compassion for jane and the GOD awful marriage she was in....at 16 she ran away and got married to a horrible abusive marriage......i can look at her with compassion now....compassion and understanding why she  *ran away from that house*   and   *left us behind to face it*   this program has IMENSLY helped my relationships with my family....and its funny.....i kinda backed off some of  them for a while when i was first in recovery.. NEVER my beloved sister kay, but the rest of them........they let me *back off*   they even let me get *adopted*  by this other family who didn't care very much for me , but thats ok,  i got a clean name out of them, and they got some good encouragement/support out of me....so even steven!!!!  my bio family  allowd this....they shared me,  hoping that whatever i was doing would help me......now they see me grow and feel  better about me each day   and guess what????   this is SO awsome.......jane LOVES my shares....shares like this....she asks me to  *send me some more of your awsome stuff--- i just love your writing style!!!*   so maybe    maybe   maybe  she may reach out and want to get into alanon!!!!  if she does,   i will share with her,  encourage her etc,   but i am keeping the focus on me....i can  *woo and entice her with my stuff and my EXAMPLE*    thats all i can do....kay is eating it up!!!! she is on the web....reading my stuff....doing the liteature....we share  all the time together......i am delighted!!!!!   one is better than zero!!!!!   my daughter  slips and gets back to recovery,  but at LEAST the seed is there in her....i just hope for the best.......i set an EXAMPLE  and it is drawing their interest......

Thought for the Day
I may not have grown up the way I wanted to the
first time, but I can grow up all over again in Al-Anon.

######ROSIE.....and i am doing it....whats done is done!!!!  today and tomorow  i *begin again*  its a brand new ball game!!!! 

"Today I am growing by leaps and bounds. I've
learned to focus on myself, not the alcoholic.
Al-Anon has given me many things--from friends
to tools for living--but mostimportantly, Al-
Anon has given me a life of my own!"
*Al-Anon Sharings from Adult Children*, p. 19
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###### ROSIE...yep,  working MY inventory,   MY program,   MY growth....keeping the focus on me.....AND the solution.....i slip and get back up....get back on track and forgive myself for being *perfectly imperfect*.....the *A's*  are not my business.....i have my life back  for the very first time--- it is MINE!!!!   thanks,  done,   rosie