hi again!

and yet another issue in my never-ending saga of life!  it was one year ago today, the 13th, that my son-in-law took his life.  he was 24 yrs old.  my daughter had been with him over 4 yrs, they had been married for almost 2, and had a 3 month old, beautiful baby girl when he died.  amazingly enough, he was more like my a than my daughter's father.  she was around 12 or 13 when her dad and i split up, and yet, she ended up with a guy who was more like her step-dad of 4 yrs, than her father.  that still blows me away. 

there are definitely similarities in her dad and her step-dad, but her husband was more like my present a than her biological father.  but she left her husband on aug. 25 last yr, and he took his life sept. 13.  of course, his family completely blamed my daugher, and me, if you can figure that one out, but he had attempted suicide a few different times in his life, before and after my daughter was with him. 

my daughter has done such an amazing job this past year, raising a beautiful, charming, loving little girl, and facing life and all it's #$%^, and i am so proud of her.  none-the-less, the one yr anniversary of her husband's death feels heavy.  even tho she left him, and NEEDED to leave him, we loved him.  i know I did.  but i still know she needed to get away from him.  he was destroying her soul.  we just never dreamt we'd never, EVER see him again when she left him.  we figured he'd still be around to be their baby's daddy, and still be in our lives.  just not close enough to my daughter's life to keep destroying her, ya know? 

it just seems there are so many "heavy's" going on right now.  my mom, the 1 yr anniversary of my son-in-law's death, my a, a six year old (and i'm almost 45!), and older kids that still call mom for every "tragedy" in their life!  i feel so wasted..just worn out. 

i love my family sooo much, and would NEVER turn them away when they need me.  but i'm starting to wonder how in the world do i REPLENISH MYSELF?  what i end up doing is staying up half the nite, pretty much at least one nite a week, if not two, to just be alone and not have ANYONE NEED ME!  i cherish that time soo much, but, the next day, i don't accomplish ANYTHING, then i feel like CRAP about myself! 

i'm still an at-home mom, altho my a is ripping me to pieces that it's time for me to go back to work (our son is in 1st grade), and he's right!  i DO need to go back to work.  but i know if i don't have a cleaning job the next day,(i clean a couple houses a week)  and i haven't stayed up half the night the night before, i stay up half the night and am worthless the next day. 

it's like, the only time i can go to bed at a decent time is if i've been up half the night the night before!  like tonight, for instance. i don't have to clean tomorrow, and there's SO much i could do around here tomorrow, but here i am, up late, not tired, and tomorrow will be wasted instead of either doing some of the many things i need to do around here, OR go job hunting!

when i was at my parents' the last two weekends, i felt so much more like myself!  i got up in the a.m., got things done, played with my son, did things around my parents' house (cleaned, did yard work, cooked good meals ) and felt normal!  then, i come back home, and all motivation to do something constructive with my day just flies away.   (of course, there's no food here to cook meals with, so that's not an option, anyway.  but if i was working, maybe we'd actually have FOOD in the house!).  don't get me wrong, i keep the house up.  but, you know how it is, with all the 'extra' stuff that needs to be done....sorting through stuff, organizing, i have sewing projects that just sit there waiting for me, etc.  when my older kids were little, i was always working on a craft project, or a cleaning project, or getting together with other moms...  now, i don't know, i have just lost myself.  every day i think, 'today i'm gonna do.....' and the list goes on and on.  but i never do it. 

i cant help but think that when i'm at my parents', i just dont have the stress of living with an a. i feel loved and accepted, and i can function.  i hate it!  i hate it so much!  but i cant seem to pull myself out of the cycle.  i have  a free day tomorrow, and now i will just end up being super tired all day and not accomplish anything extra, other than the basics.

when i was at my parents, i felt so good, and told myself, 'now, when i go home, i'm gonna get that baby blanket out that i'm making for my granddaughter, and i'm going to finish it.  and i'm going to start walking every morning, and get in shape again', and on and on.  then i get home...and i crash.  i was on anti-depressants for quite a long time, but didn't feel any different on them than i do now.  i couldn't afford them anymore, either, since my a won't help me with any of the things i need.  so going on an anti-depressant isn't the answer either.  i've tried several over my adult life, but my circumstances never change, so the anti-depressants really have not helped. 

 i feel it's up to me to pull myself up by the bootstraps, and if i could make myself go to bed at night, it would help tremendously.  but i LOVE being up alone at night.  i always did that when my older kids were little, too, but i was much younger then, and could still function on little sleep.  it's not working any more! 

does anyone else experience feeling like this?  i know i started this post talking about my son-in-law, but it all has a play in it.  i just feel sooo drained.  how does one replenish one's self, without staying up all night just to get some down time?   it's the emotional drain that's depleting me.  it's not physical.  it's emotional and mental. 

thanks for listening.  i just needed to vent, i guess.  it feels good to be back here, finally writing about my feelings again.  i guess you could say i'm having myself a nice little pity party tonite.  in light of everything going on, i'm not going to condemn myself for this pity party, either.  i just wish i could get off my butt and do all the things i keep telling myself i'm going to do!

lori