Today's message in the ODAT talks about a husband and wife who have this beautiful home with all this great material stuff, but their relationship is wrought with unrelenting bitterness.  Neither one of them gives an inch or is willing to compromise their needs, wants, and desires.  So inevitabaly their love turns to hate, the wife suggests a brick wall be built dividing the home in two parts where each of them lives out the rest of their lives in isolation not speaking another word to each other.  The thought for the day.  " Am I unknowingly building a wall between myself and the person I married?  Is it being made of stubborness, self-will, self-righteousness and a desire to punish?  Such a wall can be as hard and unyielding as though it were made of real bricks.  it would leave me no space in which to grow.  As one member put it"

" God grant me the wisdom to recognize the faults I am building into a wall, such a wall as canot be penetrated even by love."

Since reading and posting on the boards I have written about my anger with my partner who is my "A".  My love for him in the beginning felt genuine and true.  I myself don't believe I had ever experienced this type of love.  My anger is just as real and powerful.  In reading this passage I identify with the wife building her wall brick by brick each day using stubborness, self-will, self-righteousness, and the desire to punish the "a".  These past few weeks have been difficult fights, usually started over the smallest insignificant issues.  I feel a pull between my values and boundaries with this person.  He does not respect my boundaries, and I am recognizing his schemes and alterior motives much more readily now.  Either I'm learning something here in Alanon or I've just lived with the "a" long enough to recognize the patterns.  We're both unrelenting in our anger, we both desire our lives to be managable and in our control, but neither one of us has the tools or skills to do this.  So, we fight for power and control in the home, parenting, money, even spending time together can turn into a power struggle of what we're going to do for the evening. 

I'm learning to accept that I live with an "a" and I do love the "a" even with all the drama and antics he pulls.  The prayer above is working for me, now I just need to meditate and ask HP to assist me in learning new tools to change my defaults of character.  I guess I'm making strides in working my program, small steps count too right?

Have a great day!!