The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well things are going well, I guess. My "A" seems real happy when he wakes up and all day, and he's been joking around with me and laughing. Which is all great, but he wont talk about recovery. I tried to bring it up again and he gets snappy and doesnt want to talk about it. This worrys me because when I was 15 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for slitting my wrist. Up until that moment everyone thought that I was just a typical teenager with typical moodiness, they were all in shock when it happened. This is becuase I acted normal, like everything was OK. True I didnt smile a lot but what teenager does? I listened to typical music and hung out with my friends. When I was in the hoispital the doctors kept asking me questions about what I was thinking and feeling. It use to annoy me a lot. I wanted to know why they needed to know what was going on in my head all the time, it's not like I could hurt myself again, I was under strict supervision. But then I realized that if they didnt know what I was thinking, they couldnt help me. That if I ever wanted out of there I had to let them in. So I did and I answered their questions and eventually I got better. By the time I was sent home I was in the habit of telling people what mood I was in. I knew enough to find someone I knew when I was in a destructive or depressed mood and let them know how I was feeling. And after a while just knowing that there was someone out there that knew how I was feeling, made me feel better. I wish my "A" would let me in. I want him to know that he doesnt have to go through this alone. What is it? Pride? Does he not want me knowing how hard this is for him? I cant help him if he doesnt let me know what's going on in his head. I think I would be more relieved if he said that he's having a hard time. Then at least we could talk and it would show me that he's reaching out. I dont know. Should I just leave him alone? He said he would call a counselor but he hasnt. And he doesnt want me asking if he has yet. Should I just let him handle it?
I think you have to let him handle it, because you can't FORCE him to open up to you. Make sure he knows that you are there for him, ready to listen when he wants to talk. There may be things he is afraid to talk about, because he fears they will hurt you or make you angry. You might mention (once) that if he finds it hard to talk to you, he can call on your minister, or let him know that there are AA boards and chats online, just like this one. Another thing, you can look at your own behaviour (it always comes back to this, in alanon, doesn't it?) Do you jump in, when he is talking, and finish his sentences, telling HIM what he thinks? Are you superwoman, always ready with the answer, or do you let him know that you also have doubts, fears? Are you always bustling about, filling the air with chatter, so he can't find a silence to fill? (These are all things that I am prone to, so I know to watch out for them) One thing that I have found sometimes works to get him to open up, is to make space for it - take walks or go for drives together. It somehow takes the intensity off, makes it easier for him to talk - especially if he is driving, so he has an excuse not to look at me. Anyway, sometimes less is more, and backing off is a good way to get closer.
As hard as it is, I think you have to let his recovery truly be HIS recovery. He will either get sober, or not, or whatever..... or he won't.... What you do or don't do, know or don't know, will have nothing to do with what he ends up deciding.
This is the time to take care of you, and focus your energies on YOU and your needs. He may get sober.... He may not..... what are YOU gonna do?
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
