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This is my first time here. I have read some posts and feel I can get some good advice.
My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago. One month after being together he told me that he was a cocaine user. He knew that I felt very strongly against it and knew he had to quit if he wanted to be with me. He has been clean ever since.
Our relationship progressed and we are deeply in love. We would get together with friends, play softball etc. We would drink socially and there was only one time in our first 6 months that I saw him drunk. I would have never guessed that he had an alcohol problem. He then told me that that for the 2 years previous to us meeting he drank alot. He carried a bottle in his work truck,(he is very successful with his career) drank everyday after work and all weekend. He said that it was his only way to cover up his feelings and try to deal with his problems. He was in a bad relationship and was trying to deal with his mother committing suicide 18 years earlier. I helped him to deal with his Mom: we went to the gravesite for his first time, did alot of reading about suicide and he has done very well. A year ago he told me that he was going to quit drinking and he has never looked back. He is doing very well and is strongly committed to staying clean and sober. I admire him for his strength and tell him that often.
Here is my problem: I have always been a social drinker and really enjoy getting together with friends etc. I looked after both of my parents while they were sick with cancer and my friends are all that I have left. I have played softball since I was 12 years old (I am now 42) and it is one of my life's passions. Playing is a social event and having a few beers after the game is the norm. My boyfriend can absolutely not handle this and is forcing me to basically choose between him and my team. I have told him that I will not drink at all while I am at ball but he still has a tough time because others are drinking. He is working out of town and even when he is not there he can not handle me being there. I totally understand why me drinking in front of him would not be a good thing and I have told him that I am willing to not do it. Because he had an alcohol problem does it mean that I cannot have a drink? He even told me that he doesn't think I should get together for dinner with my girlfriends because we would probaly have wine with dinner??? It is a constant fight and he feels that I do not love him and I am sabotaging him when I am at ball or out with friends. He says that if I loved him I would would quit because he quit everything for me. Is it fair for him to ask me to give up everything also - friends, sports etc? How can I balance this? I have supported him through everything and I am very proud of him. I have a hard time comprehending why playing ball, socializing and having 1-2 beers is such a problem. I hope someone who is going through AA or dealing with a similar situation can help me to understand.
Hello Shan, sounds like u may have what is refered to as a hostage taker, some people don't like thier mates to have alife out side of thier relationships. In our marriage I have friends and do things with them on a reg basis my husb does not participate he has activities with his friends which I stay out of and we have alife to gether. I personally needed the freedom and time away from my husb we have rules there are things u don't do ! but other wise we have the freedom to be ourselves and enjoy our friends.
Does your boyfriend have friends of his own , hobbies that he likes to do or are you his main focus? I feel you have a right to continue your baseball and friendships, and your choosing to not drink around him is very supportive.
We talk alot about acceptance in Al-Anon and allowing people to be who they need to be - with in reason of course. He fell in love with you just the way you were baseball and all, maybe a gentle reminder of that might help. Many yrs ago I gave up many things tht my husb didn't like just to please him and yrs later I resented him for that I hope you. don't let that happen to you . Good luck Louise
Welcome. I agree with Abbyal. She's a smart woman. For me, I have seen my A be at a party and not have a drink. That's not what triggers him. He could care less if people are drinking in front of him. But that's him. He's a solitary drinker.
Now I'm a gourmet cook. So I love to cook with wine, and I do enjoy a glass with dinner too. When we go out to dinner, he encourages me to have a glass if I want to. I usually don't. But it's my choice. I chose not to keep wine in the house, just in case he comes home and something triggers him. I probably could keep it, but I chose not to. Since he's still in a halfway house, why take the chance?
I have not given up my life for him. I have a group of friends that I get together with every 6 weeks depending on our schedule. I do my charity work. It's hard sometimes not to make them the first priority. But as I have learned (the hard way at times), that if I neglect who I am what good is that? I only get depressed and that upsets him. That's what will trigger him.
Don't ever loose yourself just so you can hold onto someone. We're not robots. Like Abbyal said, he didn't fall in love with you the way you are now. He fell in love with you when you were you. Does that make sense?
Live strong, Karilynn
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Thanks to the both of you for the advice. I just tend to get very confused. Every once in a while my A will even offer me a drink and 99% of the time I refuse. it seems that if I initiate it that is when he gets upset, it has to be his choice when it is ok not mine. To answer a question, my A does not have other friends that he hangs out with and not much for hobbies. he likes to work with computers but when he does that he is in a room alone and that is what he did in his past relationship to avoid his ex. I have reminded him that I am the same person that he met 2 years ago but his come back for that is that now we are on different paths and things won't work if I don't choose to go down the path he is on. He really is a great guy and treats me very well, almost always. it just seems that this constant battle is putting a wedge between us. I do not know much about Al-Anon but is it something that would be helpful for me to get involved in? Even though I did not really know him as a drinker?
He may not be drinking now, but his behaviour is in some ways like some drinking behaviour. You might want to do some reading about dry drunks and see if anything looks familiar. I think that alanon could help you - one thing we learn here is how to set boundaries, and not allow ourselves to be bullied. One of our sayings is "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." I have a link somewhere to a good page on dry drunk syndrome, I'll get it for you soon.
Shan, In reading your post the only word that came to me was control, control, control. He wants you to walk his path? He's the only one that can do that. You can't walk his path, you have your own. One of the isms of alcoholism is to manipulate/control, and in the end the spouse of the alcoholic becomes isolated. No friends, no life. We slowly get sucked in, doing things to make them happy. In the interrum, we lose ourselves. Isn't part of love wanting that person to be happy? Supporting them in the things they love to do? Sounds like you could both benefit from a 12 step program. Alanon will definately help you to see what is happening here and set some personal boundaries. Always take care of you first.
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
