The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I seem to be watching myself slip right back to where I was before my a went into rehab in July. He has been home almost 4 weeks. The first two i was home also, however, I am a techer and school started last week so I am back at work. My A quit his job when he came out of rehab. His boss had been selling him pot at work and cutting him commisision checks off cycle to pay for it. It was not a safe environment for him to return to and I was in full support of that. BUT... now I think he is right back to using again and I am beginning to unravel. I find myself checking all the old hiding spots, I feel so stupid, but I just need to know. There have been a few times that I have also felt like he was drinking. I am well aware that if he has in fact picked up again, I wll know for sure in time. Last time I did not confront him until I had proof, not wanting to be lied to (at least directly). So I just bid my time. I am just so tired of it. Does it really matter, i do not know. I used to think that if I at least knew what he was doing then I would be left to make a decsion as to whether or not I could live with it. I hate the lying, sneaking etc.....I do not know how to deal anymore. I am starting to ramble so I guess I wll end here and wait...
Do you you want to know ?? yes Does it matter ?? No... Lynn, I think we all go thru those same feelings of confusion.. We want to know but are afraid of the truth.. It stinks..
I am so new at this but have made so many friends on this board.. I rely on them to give me strength, a good ear and the wisdom that i need to take it day by day..
I am sorry I really dont have any answers for you only this.... You are not alone, grab on to a alanon friend and hold tight .. This ride is rough on everyone and until the time is right for YOU to get off this rollercoaster ride of alcholoism you need the support of your alanon friends..
I too am relatively new at this. While I've only lived with my A for a year now, I've known him for 22. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that I thought he had a drinking problem. We lived in other states and only saw each other several times a year.
When he came home from rehab last year and relapsed it was hard. I can't speak for you. But for me, I want to know what he's doing. It's not that I don't trust him. It's the disease I don't trust. One of the reasons why he's back at the halfway house, is because I can't go through this cycle of lying and drinking and all that comes with it. He went back to rehab for a week, came out and started again. By that time I had had enough. It's not that I don't love him. I love him more than I can possibly tell you. But I don't want to put myself through the misery, and not to mention the financial burden of taking care of him. I was prepared for the relapse and the bumps in the road. I'm prepared to grow old with him and take care of him when his body gives out. Because I know he would do the same for me.
For me, not knowing was driving me crazy. To me, knowledge is power and strength. If he's drinking and I know it, then we go from there. Coming home to someone who is passed out, when they are suppose to be sober? Not for me. To me not knowing sounds like denial. Sounds like my sister and her A. (No one wants to believe that their A has slipped.) I can't live my life like that. Life is to short.
The unknown makes me insane. The hardest thing for me, is not to project too far into the future. I try hard to take one day at a time. Trust me, I'm a notorious planner. So taking things moment by moment, day by day can be tough. This site is teaching me a great deal of things. Last weekend I finally learned to let go a bit, and not call to see what he was up to. That was the first weekend that I wasn't afraid to go to work and leave him alone. It's his choice. It's my choice to say to him, that if he is going to drink, then he can't stay here. Those are my boundaries.
There is hope that they will learn to make the right choices. He was suppose to come home for the day to help me with a 5K race for cancer. But he had a bad week, and decided that he would rather stay at the halfway house and get in more meetings. When I see things like that, it gives me hope. When I look outside and see this glorious weather and football is in the air, the cat's out playing, and my A is safe and having a good day. Then there is indeed a HP at work.
Only you can decide if you want to really find out what's going on. A hard decision to make.
Take care of yourself.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think what you are feeling is pretty normal. I, too, always wanted to know which reality I was living in. (A drinking day or a non-drinking day). [We were on a 48 hour roller coaster of exhaustion!] Of course, it is an ever-changing reality with an active alcoholic. I had to use detachment and learn to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually first,and foremost. Keep coming back!
I agree with everyone here that knowledge is power---it won't change them--but it gives u more tools in your tool box. Otherwise u start thinking you're the crazy one! hang in there and try to work on u and not focus all your energy on him. i know it is so hard. blessings- jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
I can certainly sympathize with you. My husband for 7 years has been in and out of trouble and rehabs for his drug addiction. In my heart, I always know when he starts using again. Even though I truly try to give him the benefit of the doubt, I always know the truth. I am also afraid of the truth. For some reason, I feel like the less I know, the better off I will be. I am new to this group and hope that I will find the same comfort that you are needing.
Of course you want to know. Will your knowing make a difference to him? NO! AlAnon teaches that we can find our own peace and serenity whether or not the A is active. Easier said than done, huh??? But I agree with the statement you made: "For me, not knowing was driving me crazy. To me, knowledge is power and strength. If he's drinking and I know it, then we go from there." I also cannot reach any nonchalance about whether or not my A is drinking. I HAVE to know; at least then I am aware of what I am dealing with. It's hard Lynn; no doubt about it. I suppose the decision must be made by each of us sooner or later; do I stay or go? It is an individual decision, and I have already made it. My A drinks again and he's gone. I do not take this boundary lightly, and he knows that. I simply decided I could not live with an active A. Good luck as you travel on. I will keep you close in my prayers and positive thoughts. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I had to use detachment and learn to take care of myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually first,and foremost. Keep coming back! 
