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Just need to vent some stuff. I’m feeling like a real chump right now. I’m sober 2 years. 2 weeks after the divorce is final, my ex comes home from a vacation with our kids and her boyfriend and his kids and hits me with tears saying she’s not sure if she made a mistake, she’s sorry for the way she treated me, she’s confused., etc. Sucked me right back in. We still live in the same house until it’s sold. I’m presently self employed part time and looking for a permanent engineering position, so I’m the one usually here with the kids while she works late, goes to the gym or goes out with her friends at night. We share joint custody, but she has residential custody. I get the kids overnight once a week and every other weekend for 2 nights. I guess that schedule really starts after we live apart. I’m paying for half the house expenses until it sells so I really don’t feel like moving out yet. We discussed this week if we should reduce the price of the house more to sell it, take it off the market, stay here till our daughter finishes out school this year, etc. She wants to go to counseling to work on being friends so we can be there for the kids. I told her that I really wanted to see if we could work towards working things out, I still love her and would be willing to try. She says we need time apart to heal. Sometimes I think I’m too easy going and too loyal. I can tell that she is confused and still hurt, but I’m wondering if I’m enabling her from hitting her bottom by being around and not letting her deal with the total consequences of the divorce she wanted. I get up early to get my son off to the school bus by 7. I still do most of the grocery shopping and cooking. Meanwhile, she comes and goes as she pleases. Yesterday, I got out of the house at 6:30 to go to an early AA meeting, and didn’t get my son off to school. My cell phone was off during the meeting. When I got back home at 9:00 my son and ex were still home and she was furious with me. My son had a rash and wanted to go to the doctor, but he couldn’t reach me by phone. She had to make the arrangements to take him to the doctor, and even though I offered when I got home she refused to let me take him. I said that if it was that important to reach me you could have least left a message, I turn my phone back on right after the meetings. I feel like I can’t do anything right.
Anyway, tonight is her weekend with the kids. I’m home with my son and his girlfriend waiting for my ex to come home, don’t want to leave the 2 of them alone in the house, they’re 14. Just spoke to my sister and she is pissed off at my ex. She’s telling me that I’m being taken advantage of, my ex has everything she wants; me around to take care of the kids, shop, cook, clean, do laundry, while she comes and goes as she pleases, and a boyfriend on the side. She says my ex pulled this ‘I’m sorry’ stuff on Sunday to keep me in my place and miserable. I’m thinking of moving out but I would like to be there for my kids so they aren’t home alone so much.. I hate the idea of selling this house (I designed and built it 2 years ago) and us both moving to smaller older places. Tonight I’m going to go to a meeting then to my sister’s for the night. I’m not telling her where I’m going and that I won’t be back. It’s so hard to figure out what the right thing to do is. I guess I’m making myself as miserable about all this as I want to be.
Sounds like she has some control issues. You can take care of yourself and your kids without being controlled. I know when I starting setting boundries my husband became furious. He likes that he came and went and I took care of everything. We still pretty much live like that for now, but things are slowly changing. I don't want to feel used and have rules for me but not for the other adult in the house. Take some time and think things out. Maybe you could get a second morgage and buy her 1/2 of the house out?
UncleLou, sounds to me like you are doing a FANTASTIC job dealing w everything. Just make certain that you keep taking care of YOU. Your concern for your children is wonderful. Keep up the great work. Blessings to you and your family, Annie
I think your sister hit the nail on the head and it'd do you a great deal of good to stay with her. That will definately be taking care of you. I hope by doing so you can take time to clear your mind and look at the big picture. What's best for UncleLou?
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with your sister as well. She is still stringing you along and using your good nature. I know cuz I was put through exactly she same shit with my ex. We lived in the same house for 6 months while she was trying to get herself set up to move into a new place, and had a new boyfriend 2 wks after moving out, if not sooner.
Take care of yourself Lou. And dont let that stop you from being there for your kids, if its good for you to be there for them. Don't be there because she's not. And I know that's hard, but she has to to start reaping the benefits of her actions. Let your kids know you love them and that you are always available for them, but that you have also got to start taking care of yourself now. They will understand.
I know that chump feeling only too well Lou! The only way to get rid of it is to do what is right for you. Ask yourself if something you feel needs doing is really your business, or is it something the ex should be taking care of. If it is your business, do it. If it makes a situation better for you, do it. If it makes you feel good about yourself, do it. Other than that, for now you need to protect yourself.
Glad you posted this, Lou. Hope you get some things from the replies that helps you. I know I have been helped!
I've just thought of another perspective on your situation.
I don't know if this is right or not but hear me out.
Is it possible that your wife had to deal with all the responsibilities while you were active??
Is it possible that she is now just taking a break from responsibility because you are now able to help??
I ask these questions because I have for the last 6 months been the only responsible adult in this house. Caring for our 2 toddlers, working, and worrying about our financial problems. My A is not helping in any way and I wonder if he did ever get into recovery and become responsible again if I'd need a well deserved break from it all. Without an exaggeration, I've done nothing for myself alone for these 6 months--excluding work.
I can't imagine myself ever leaving all the responsibility to my A, but I can't really imagine him being able to accept responsibility either.
When I read about another's pursuit of recovery it gives me hope for my A who has spiraled to an unimaginable level in a very short period of time.
I think we all feel like chumps, in one way or another. I know that I keep telling myself LOVE SHOULDNT HURT.. I think yours and many of our does.. I agree with everyone else, it does sound like a control issue.. I know that it is hard, heck we are all in a simlar situation.. but if we keep telling ourselves the same thing over and over maybe it will sink in..
Go on a weekend away, for just you... That will give you time to gather your thoughts without the everyday pressures.. Medidate, pray or whatever you do .. The answers will come.. we all just have to listen.
Do something for you.. You sound like the caretaker just like me..
...Is it possible that your wife had to deal with all the responsibilities while you were active?? Is it possible that she is now just taking a break from responsibility because you are now able to help?? ...
My ex did take on all the responsibilites while I was away at rehab. I appreciate and love her for that. The problem is she pushed for a divorce I didn’t want. I kept trying to get her back into counseling with me over the past year. She said that she didn’t want the divorce, but she had to follow the advice of her therapist (the new one I never met) and her friends and family. Most of the friends (and her father and sisters) I spoke to said they think she's making a mistake and will regret this later. The interesting thing is, all the things she complained about the most; working too much to have time for herself and the kids, having extra money to spend on herself, getting help around the house, etc. will not get one bit better for her after we are apart. When our house is sold she will have sole responsibility for one of her own, on her own. She will need to maintain full time employment and take full responsibility for all the stuff I’m presenty doing for all of us. This will leave her with even less time for the kids and herself. It was always my intention after we built the house to get a better paying job so she could work less. The divorce put all that on hold. Neither one of us can afford to buy the house from the other because of the fact that I built it and it is worth a LOT more than is cost to build. She seems to forget that fact when she complains that the house was MY dream not hers, and it is too much for her to take care of.
I don’t see how getting a boyfriend, forcing a divorce, and uprooting the kids, is ‘just taking a break’ By the way, she did tell me this week that she knows this guy drinks too much and my son just told me '...I think he's an alcoholic Dad.'
From where I sit, all discussion about whether she is or is not justified, whether she will or will not be able to afford the life she wants, etc is besides the point. The point for you, Lou, has to be - what do you want? What are you doing in your life right now that gives you joy and fulfillment? Keep doing that. If nothing does, then find something. I would look very seriously at the living situation - it may make some aspects of life easier, but it looks to me like it is making you miserable. You are face to face with her behaviour every day, it must be very difficult not to focus on her when you see her every day. You may disagree with every single thing that she is doing, but, in the end, it is not yours to agree or disagree with. She will do what she will do, and you have the choice of sitting around being unhappy about it, or of living your own life. By sobering up, you have done something very hard - you have saved your life. Now you have the opportunity of finding out what that life means, who you are. External events - the sale of a house, the choices of another person - will control your life, if you let them. Or , in the words of a very great writer, you can "cherish your bear, and your bear will feed your fire"
