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Hi Everyone, I am new to this group and so thankful to have found it! I have a question that
that hopefully someone can help me with. My fiancee had 6 years of sobriety when we met. He went to AA faithfully every week and some nights I would go with him at an open meeting. I learned so much at the meetings. He has quit going to the meetings, maybe a couple in 3 months, and in the last few months, I have noticed a few personality changes and alot of Listerine and Nyquill disappearing. I am new to this and am not sure how to approach or even if I should apporach the subject, One time I mentioned that he seemed really stressed and very unlike himself that day.(his eyes were very bloodshot and he reeked of mouthwash) He immediately became defensive and told me I should go home, after talking a while he apologized and did admit he was having a bad day and was under alot of stress, but never metioned anything else. I know that there are alot of "substitutes" for alcohol such as Listerene, cold medicine etc.......PLEASE someone tell me how to approach this, not approach this or just simply how to deal with it.... There are no Al-Anon meeting close to me that I am able to go to face to face.....
When my "A" relapsed after 18 months of sobriety I knew it, he showed all the signs. When I asked him about it he denied it and became very defensive. And said I was imagining things. Denial is all part of the disease.
When it comes to the "A" and active alcoholism is to remember the three "C"s: You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and you can't cure it.
Focus on you, go to meetings, and learn more about alanon and the disease of alcoholism.
Keep coming back, it works when you work it and your worth it!
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
It sounds like your A may have relapsed. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. That means that whenever they pick up a drink, it's like picking one up just minutes after they took their last one. I know you are scared but perhaps you can try talking to your A about your fears when you feel like he is open to listening. Right now you are complying with the rules of the alcoholic home -- don't talk, don't think, don't feel. I have found that many things lose their power when I am willing to call them out and just name them...
Keep coming back.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
1. Nyquil and Listerine have alcohol in them, so alcoholics cannot safely use them
2. In my experience, when I smelled excessive mouthwash etc., it was always evidence that my wife was drinking again...
3. Add to the above, that he has (almost) stopped going to AA, and all the signs point to the fact that he is likely drinking again, and trying to "control it".
Unfortunately, he is either going to find recovery or he won't, regardless of whether you "call him on it" or not. More importantly, the time is to take care of YOU, do what you need to do in your recovery...
I wish you all the best
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I agree with Dolphin when she write "Denial is all part of the disease." Let me add my perspective on that as someone 2 years sober; Denial is not an optional part of this disease, at least for the active A. Keep in mind too that there are plenty of other substitutes for alcohol. I've met people in the rooms who have rationalized continued used of medically prescribed drugs. People with many years without drinking who are 'coming back' because they finally got honest about their motives for continuing the use of those drugs. If you noticed a change in his personality and lack of meeting attendance, that might be a sign of relapse or potential relapse. It was explained to me, and I also firmly believe, that relapse occurs well before the substance is used again.
I think if I were confronted about using again my disease might prevent me from having the humility to be honest (I pray that I never need to find out.) I think the way I might be best approached is in a non confrontational manner. Ask me how I'm feeling, show concern for my well being, ask if feel spiritually fit. Ask me if my sponsor is aware of the space I'm in or stress I'm under. Don't mention picking up. Let me feel comfortable enough with you to allow me to be more honest with you than maybe I can be with myself.
Wow! All the posts so far have been so helpful, hearing yourself say it and having someone else say it makes a world of difference. In regards to the one post I am scared, very scared because I get that "walking on eggshells feeling, I have to remind myself I am powerless over his actions and that I can't do ANYTHING to make him drink. He chooses to do that.
When I think about him drinking the mouthwash, it makes me realize how desperate an A can get and what measure they go to. At the same time it saddens me so deeply. Of course my first reaction is to take the bottle and pour it out, dilute it with water, etc........put a skull on it with a big X in the middle of it, (some humor to keep from crying) I am going to find a meeting I can go to this weekend, and maybe that will give us an opportunity to talk some when he realizes I am going to a meeting. Thank you Lou for reninding me to be non-confrontational, its hard sometimes to not be. I love him with all my heart, and it's hard to watch it happen, when I know how far he has came.....I remember the night he told me he was an alcoholic and the honesty that was there between us .....I had already seen some AA literature and knew it but that also made him feel better knowing I wasnt judging him. I am rambling arent I? LOL It is just so refreshing to be able to talk about these things!!! Anyway I am going to stop for now....thanks again for all the posts...I look forward to reading more!
I agree with what everyone wrote. Just to let you know when my A went into rehab Nyquill and all mouthwash was not allowed in. You can get drunk off them. I hope this helps. Please remember the three C's.
I wish I had found this website months ago. But I'm so glad that I have now. I no longer keep mouthwash with alcohol in the house when he comes home for the weekend. I keep it at work. When my A relapsed it was on mouthwash. It's cheaper and nobody questions you when you buy it.
There is no easy way to approach the subject. I agree with UncleLou, try not to be confrontational about it. There were times when I wanted to scream at him for relapsing. But I don't like to argue in the first place. Try and remain calm. Yelling at him isn't going to accomplish anything. It took my A crashing the car, to go into the halfway house. He then got scared and broke curfew, so they kicked him out for a week and threatened to cut his DSS off. So far that seems to have scared him enough to try and make this work (fingers crossed).
I absolutely agree with everyone, TAKE CARE OF YOU. It's scary to think that there is nothing you can do. But they're right, there isn't. Loving an A is one of the hardest things to do. People don't understand it. It's not the A you, it's the person who happens to have a disease. My A wouldn't love me any less because I have high blood pressure.
One other thing, and I may be off on this. But my A realized that one of the reasons he drinks is because he's in alot of physical pain from his legs and feet. Might there be an underlying physical problem that needs to be looked at? I'm not trying to scare you. He's had many surgeries on his feet and legs, and is facing the possibility of being in a wheelchair within the next year. That's alot to handle for a man who loves to hunt and fish.
Now he's not only addressing the emotional triggers in group and with his pyschiatrist, but the physical side of it as well. I'm just thinking out loud. But I know that this was a big breakthrough for him a couple of weeks ago.
Here's a tip another A gave me if it gets really severe: besides removing the mouthwash and Nyquill, remove the rubbing alcohol too. As horrible as it sounds, this A use to drink that and in desperation nail polish remover. Hopefully it will never come to that. I also have a safe in my house that I keep important papers in, and in a pinch if he comes home unexpectedly those type of things (the combination stays with me). Thankfully he's never resorted to rubbing alcohol.
Yours in prayers.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
deb>>>>>>>>PLEASE someone tell me how to approach this, not approach this or just simply how to deal with it.... There are no Al-Anon meeting close to me that I am able to go to face to face.....
rosie>>>>>you are right!!! my mom used to , when i hid her booze, drink mouthwash, and cooking wine, and one time rubbing alcohol...the poor thing was hopless...you said fiancee......i got involved with a guy who turned out to be an "A" he wanted to get serious, i backed off cause he was NOT in recovery, workin the hell out of the program .....i am so sorry, your sig other was workin it for 6 years and now is slipping????? i am so sorry, if i were in that position, i would put everything on hold, take care of me, let him work out his own karma, because what is outside of my own feet, is not in my control......i quit that....i have a brother whom i just adore, he is an "A" not in recovery, and he will call me drunk and its hard!!! but i listen to him with loving DETACHMENT....do NOT get into his karma....i am aware that it is his sickness, i acccept it now, and the only action is *detach...love him where he is at and for who he is, but don't ever depend on him for anythng really serious* i will never marry an "A" again after my ex husband!!!! i know we are all *perfectly imperfect* but there are *prospects* with lower risk of failing......any type of addict is high risk.....i dont' think i would ever again get involved with anyone who was/is addicted!!!! that is just me...i have had too many of them *slip* and hurt my heart...... please take what works, and leave the rest...good luck to you/ rosie
