this is a LONG story of my mother's and my * sorta step 8/9 * together....sorry it is so long..

Hope for Today - September 8

     After coming to Al-Anon, I have finally found
peace.  My father's alcoholism and my mother's
reactions to it caused much pain in my childhood. 

######ROSIE......well for me it was the alcoholism from my mother/ and abuse in all respects from  my bio sperm donar......she ended up drinking herself to death...his abuse towards his entire family,  she just numbed out and ended it that way....the pain in all of us was monumental....i had to meet my own emotional needs and how does a screwed up kid do that???? .....

I passed this pain on to my own family.  My marriage
was clearly and deeply affected by my feelings of
abandonment and distrust.  I expected my husband
and children to fill the deep emptiness in my soul.
When that didn't work, I tried church, work,
community service, and being the perfect mother,
volunteer, employee, and shop owner.  The list of
things I tried is endless.  Finally in Al-Anon I found
what worked -- my faith in a Higher Power.  The
empty feeling is gone now.
   

######ROSIE...i yes,  ALL of my relationships were affected by my feelings of abandonment and distrust  and the need to be in control...i was just this  *ball of fear*   i looked to others to fill the emptiness in me, to rescue me,  to *save me from my misery*  and it didn't work....i even tried the church and , the doctrine that i had to forgive the evil that went on in that house or i would go to hell or not be forgiven...and the punitive god it portrayed FURTHER screwed up my perception of any god....i did everything to find my *fullfillment*  and it alluded me...i tried white witch craft ,  alcohol, drugs (tranquilizers), one relationship after another,  imersing myself in ANYthing but  me!!!!   FINALLY  on my way to trying yet another suicide attempt, i was dragged into 12 steps..for a while the  program was my higher power until i learned that i could look withIN and find *all*  my answers/ peace/ rescue/  ALL the things i missed out on....they were inside of ME!!!!!   because i had to shut down during the abuse,  i lost my self,  i lost my feelings,  i lost my intuitions, i lost my core self,  i lost my *christ within*, i was separated from the *feeling part of me*  the real essence of me....i lived in my head-- from the neck up....living in the EXternal / fighting and protecting as best as i could-- not even *knowing*  that there was an INternal where all the *good stuff* resided...not to say that my head is not good,  there was just this  *automaton*  type life i lived.....numbed out....going through the motions of  a  life....waiting to die!!!!

  My mother died knowing I loved her and that I
was grateful for everything she did  for me.  Al-
Anon taught me she had done the best she could
with the tools she had.  My father suffers from
alcoholic dementia.  My other family members move
him from institution to institution, hoping it is just
Alzheimer's.  I tell myself, *"Live and Let Live."*
    

#######ROSIE.....for decades i hated my mom for  not saving me from the perp, and comming at ME instead of him with her anger....the booze that she loved more than ME...it was in THIS program    THIS *looking within*   doing steps  4,5,6,7,8 and 9   that i realized ......."she did NOT want for any of this to happen"   i am *sure*  she did not go to bed at night as a girl and say  "god send me a child predator/ a wife beater/ an adulterer/ a degenerate!! ..send me the most wicked creature you have in stock"    it just does not happen that way.....she was a young / beautiful  cherokee indian girl who was  gorgeous to look at and very naive,  very innocent....evil walked into her life and she got sucked in....after only 3 months of courtship he took her and ran off with her and married her..my grandaddy and *mamaw*  were HORRIFIED!!  they SMELLED his evil almost immediately!! ......her hell began only WEEKS after she married him and was already pregnant with her first child......so in her culture,  she was  *stuck*   she had to stay with him....when she did muster up the courage  (really deep down she had a lot of moxie)   when she did muster up the courage to leave??? we would go to oklahoma and live with grandaddy adn mamaw and i was in heaven!! i was happy!!  i did not want to leave!!  he would use  tears/ promises/ begging/ the works!!!  to get her back to massachusetts with him   and with young children in tow,  she returned to his trap...by the time he began assaulting me she was too far gone!!! the evil and the  seagrams 7  had taken over!!!  she was lost in a sea of 80 proof and despair.....for her  it was over!!!  the body lived, but the soul was gone!!!!!    i will tell you a story now!!!

when i was 22 in the summer of '68 the talk all over the town was the shooting of Bobby Kennedy my b-day is in late june and folks were talking about the assasination and hardly anything else....Everyone was wondering  *what in the hell is happening to this country??? people flipping out, killing people......One of those evenings i had my own *flipping out* ordeal!!! my mom  came at me with a knife!! drunk/  crazy/ violent/ screaming at me/ calling me every name in the book,  and i SNAPPED!!!!   i lost it!!!!   i grabbed her  arm that had the knife and i smashed it on the kitchen table to get her to drop the knife,  than i threw her on the floor and almost beat and strangled her to death....it took all three of my younger brothers to pull me off her.....when it was over,  i retreated to my room and said  "god what have i done??"

the next day i was in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal and she walked in looking like she had been on the NY subway and got mugged...bruizes were forming on her gullet and her face and both arms..   her *knife* hand fingers looked broken or at least fractured....she was a mess!!!!!   her bronze colored skin  looked horrible with the  evidence of my beating beginning to show.....i had to look down, it was too much for me to stand....... she sat accross from me at the table, and she just said   "you really hate me don't you???"    without looking at her i said  that i did!!!

even still i didn't want anything to be *broken inside of her*  like a rib or something so i offered to take her to the doctor!!!!!   she refused!!! when i tried to change her mind,  she said  "i don't want to have to tell anyone that my own child beat me!!!  you could get arrested for assault"...i just looked at her!!!  speachless!!   no sarcasm...no witty comments...nothing came from my mouth....i felt like a piece of manure!!!  even though the beating was *years and years* of anger that exploded,  i STILL felt like shit!!!!   i tried to get her to go to  Dr. Stagg with me, and we would just TELL him,  she got drunk and violent  and i defended myself and it was a  *no fault*  deal...both of us were at fault...what were the cops gonna do  put BOTH of us in jail????   at that point i really didn't care!!!  she still refused  so i walked out and went to work..i worried about her, but even though she was *black and blue*  she seemed to be, outside of being horribly sore,  OK!!!

almost immediately afterwards i got my own place which was nearly impossible because the perp who was STILL trying to come into my room did not want me out of the house, and because i worked for him, and he paid me almost nothing and i was FAR to screwed up to work for anyone ELSE!! ...my wages were minimal and the *deal*  was,   *free board/ food/  company car*  spending money!!   well that was NOT gonna get me out of that place....screwed up as i was....horribly injured as i was from the  incest/ the beatings/ the horrible mental dismantling he did of my mind-----when i was reduced to beating my OWN mother,  it was time for me to take desperate measures and LEAVE!!!!    ONE way or the other, i was  GONE!!!!!!  

i talked with the father of a friend of mine  who had this old rooming house with private bathrooms for kids he wanted to help....i went and talked to  "Rebel"  and told him i was in trouble!!! could he rent me a room,  and in exchange for less rent,  i'll clean the place up and collect rents for him.....DEAL!!!   that weekend i moved!!!!   the perp was foaming at the mouth cause his  "prisoner"  was getting away--- the first weekend i am there, he comes over drunk and i pulled a knife on him and said   "come after me again and i'll hang your hair on my wall---understand???"    i explained to him that scalping was alive and well and dont' make me prove it!!!!     mom on the other hand was sad i was gone, but i think relieved i was *out of that hell hole* ......when the perp was out of town,  she would call me up at work and bribe me to come over and she would cook me ANYthing i desired... i mean the sky was the limit......i had taught her how to smoke marijuana by than and she was not out of control when she smoked weed with my friends and me  and so when she would cook,   i would provide the  *pot*..we got *high*  and had lots of fun...i would be the ONLY human she would confess her alcoholism to....even though i was kinda *buzzin*  i was proud she shared that with me....

one night we were listening to the Doors album and the song *light my fire* was on and we were doing  some of my *home grown*   and she told me she loved me  SO deeply and that she would give up her body parts RIGHT now for me if i needed something......little did i know that her love for me would SOON be put to the test.....of course i did not believe her and dismissed it as * mary jane bullshit*  

a few  weeks later,  i passed out going down the stairs to my little place and fell flat on my face....my friends panicked and called the police....they took me to  Dr. Stagg's clinic in town,  and his office called my mom.....thank God she was sober!!! she  *flies* the station wagon down to the doctors clinic , and i am hooked up to the  cardio machine and my heart beat is off the charts......my sistolic  bp was exploding!!!!   Dr. Stagg went up to her face adn said   "Lois whatEVER is bothering this child,  you better stop it...she is having the WORST panic attack that i have ever seen"    he prescribed 10mg of librium  3 x per day  and NO driving   NO work   NO nothing for 2 weeks!!!  and if that did not work??? it was hospital time!!!   my mother was devestated!!!  i am 22 years old and perhaps going over the *great divide*!!  she takes me  to the house, where she and the perp lived and  put me in HER bed,  which was on the side of the house,  like almost separate from the rest of the place....we had our own *side*  with our own bathroom and access to the cellar/game room..........so the perp comes home from work  and HONEST to god i am NOT exaggerating!!!!!      he comes in and *demands*    "what the F$%$ is goin on???"    mom took a piece of chalk and  drew this BIG line across the entry way to  *our side*  and she in a VERY firm voice,   NO  bull#$%$ behind it and said   "henry...this is the rule!!!   see that chalk???  step over it  step over it ONE time  and  i'll  'get you'  when you fall asleep....GUARANTEED...come over this line,  and i will carve you UP....UNDERSTAND????

he nodded and murmered some choice words for her and walked away...and the WEEK that i was there,  he packed a suitcase and left for his girlfriend's place in boston!! ....he was NOT gonna stay in the house with  "that crazy indian squaw"   he was  a  "SH#$$in and a gittin"....that first night, i remember her giving me my meds and when she thought i was asleep,  she is lying next to me, arms around me, holding me close and  praying to God!! the most  heartwrenching prayer you ever heard!!!    she is apologizing to God for allowing me to get so hurt and she is BEGGING  him to  give ME her good body parts and to give HER my bad body parts  (she thought my heart was becomming defective)....anyway,  she is praying to god,  asking him  "spare my child-- i will pay you ANY thing--but spare my baby"    i fell asleep in love with my mother!!!!  

next day she took me for a walk and the beautiful early autumn leaves were beginning to thrill us with thier colors,  the orange that would be brighter,  the deep yellow and  the crimson red leaves beginning to really deepen in color and would soon drop from the trees,  the sun was out,  it was october,  early in the month and so you could hear the birds chirping in the trees adn a warm  breeze blowing  through her beautiful  auburn hair.....i knew i loved her,  i also knew i couldn't stay in that house!!!  i did manage to tell her

as the weeks past into months and i was on meds possibly for good,  but those horrible  *losin it feelings*  were in control,  the demons sleeping but not gone, i felt kinda normal......mom bought us some bicycles cuz she thought it was good for us, and we cruised the neighborhood...i lived in town,  she on the outskirts,  so it was a nice bike ride to each others places...we did this up until she died only a few short years later!!!

she began bleeding from her  rectum that year 1972  in april,  ..i caught her trying to  *clean up the evidence*  and my spine felt cold!!! i felt this deep chill in my spine..i confronted her with it!! she blew it off,  said it was her *time*  i knew better.  she had finished her menopause!!!  i begged her to let me take her to  *doc Stagg*  and she refused!!  FLAT refused to go for a checkup!!! ...later that night i would dream about her going to the *other side*   we rode our bikes...she ate like a horse,  so i  *shelved*  the horror scene of her bleeding!! i was actually able to *forget that it happened* .those couple of months we had after *that incident* were a blast!!!  we rode our bikes..and we found a *pool hall*  where they only served beer and we would play doubles and kick butt!!!  on beer she was able to *keep her cool*  and have fun!!! ....

that summer  august 1, 1972  she called me from our cottage!! we talked....eldist brother jim was married to a witch named pam and pam made the mistake of calling me a bitch to my mom....mom told pam  *i am 56 years old but trust me, i can and will give you a really good stomping if you insult my kid*    end of pam's  putdowns.....mom and i laughed about that and she  TOLD me  that she was very proud of me for  *turning out the way you did inSPITE of the evil done to you*    we exchanged words of love to each other and i joked with her that she was STILL the best *over the hill*  tree climber in the world....she laughed....she LOVED my humour and my sassy jokes....and she and i made plans to  *smoke some home grown*  when she came back to boston!!!   next day the phone rang,  waking me up from my sleep!! its the perp!!  and he had news!!!   they found my mother's body in the  boat, in the head,  and she was DEAD!!!!!   all i can remember is lying there and thinking  *NO!! she and i are goin for a bike ride to that big flea market in walpole*   but she was gone!!!!!   it was a tuesday and the next time i would see her was on thursday in her coffin!!!   and guess what!!!!  she was at PEACE!!!!  i was mad,  but glad she got free!!!!  NO more having to *numb out*  to stand her life....NO more tears over her screwing up with her children....NO more guilt over the perp and what he did to me........and the perp???? he is putting the make on EVERY young girl,  including my best friend,  that he can get his slimy hands on   AND he has his girlfriend,   Lilly , there!!!   

we burried her on friday,  friday night i and my friends left cape cod where we burried her and we got totally  DRUNK on our butts....i was wasted!!!  we had a *designated* driver to drive us back to my apt.  and we all crashed on the floors / on the bed/  in chairs..my two room *pad* looked like a flop house!! young bodies all over the place: ..sat am , we are hung over to the MAX.....she was gone!!!  but at LEAST we had SOME relationship before she left....i was 26 when she passed....22 when we *began* our  own fashion of steps 8/9.......a LIFE crammed into 4 years...

my life after that would be a roller coaster of dysfunction!!!  drinking WAY too much, doing my weed and  *tranqing out* to keep my inner demons asleep!!!!   when she died i got itchy feet and decided the following year to  go to california...CLEAR across the country where my sister lived....i guess i looked to her to replace the emptiness i felt...of course she could not do the impossible.....i was in and out of relationships,  one  sig other and i lasted 12 years....it was with charlie that i realized that i was SEVERALLY screwed up!!!   when the perp died in sept. '91,  charlie and i had a party!!  we went garage saling that day and later we had a *get together*  at my house and partied!!!  i actually felt the universal air we breathe feel cleaner!!  i refused to go to his funeral, i refused to help  *clean out his stuff-- gave up my rights to it to the other kids*  

charlie and i moved to texas , i guess to *put it all behind me*  and life STILL  would be a series of disasters/ disappointments and disillusionments until i would FINALLY belly up and go into recovery....and it was THIS marvelous program that has enabled me  to  forgive my mom for her  sickness  her mistakes as a result of her having to *numb out*  and to  ADMIT  that all along i really did love her!!  even though she made me angry with her by  letting  me down and breaking  my heart, ..the perp on the other hand, even with this recovery and my working my *butt off*  and step four and all,   i cannot * honest to god*  EVER remember loving him at ALL!!! i mean NEVER!!!   her i do!! even though my love for her was *on hold*  till i worked out my *grief stuff*    with him??  it was this *icky and creepy* feeling when i was around him..i could NOT look in *those eyes* i always looked away!! ...and TONS of fear and later , out and out REVULSION!!!   .however, listening to all of the shares of other groupmates// realizing that she was NOT unique   NOT diferent   JUST a hopless alcoholic!!!  i MUST forgive her  AND I DO!!!!!!!  i asked God to tell her that in addition to loving her i TOTALLY forgive her!!  i know God  said something to her because one day, out in my backyard, i felt a warm breeze and i saw a hawk fly overhead!!!!

thank you>>>>>>>>DONE>>>>>> rosie