The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm feeling really stupid tonight. I've had a wonderful week since I began talking to Alanon's. Things at home are better because I'm not always on my A's case, he has been more open with me and I have felt more joyful and free than in six months. He went two nights without drinking and now tonight...not the case. Anyway, I think I really believed that he was going to get sober and we were going to put this horrible time in our lives behind us. I was extremely disappointed when I noticed he was drinking. I'm trying another f2f Alanon meeting tomorrow night and hoping this time I will connect. I have so much appreciated reading everyone's postings and your suggestions. It has truly made a difference. I just have a long way to go!!!!!
hi jersey, your post really showed what a nice person you are. I betcha will grow in alanon very deeply. As ya learn the skills, you will see changes and acceptance.
It is perfectly natural to have high hopes. In alanon we hopefully learn the truth and can live with the reality of the disease. Even when my mother was dieing in front of my eyes if she started talking and we were giggling i forgot for a bit that she had breast cancer and was dieing. I would think, well maybe she has more time, maybe it is not as bad as they say.
The reality is our loved one is very sick. Alcoholism is nothing anyone would choose to have anymore than cancer.
It is a horrible thing to be so addicted and allergic to alcohol. The alcoholic will have times of sobriety with high hopes, maybe go years, maybe go hours, then the disease somehow takes over and they take that drink. They feel worse than we could ever imagine.
Especially when they wake up a bit sober, guilty, in pain, angry, sick, dissappointed. The moment they wake up, they are wondering how or when they will get more alcohol, or cocaine or heroin or
They may go to rehab, and or AA. The loved ones in not knowing, ignorance, may finally relax and believe the hell is over. The truth is, most all A's go thru many cycles of sobriety/ relapse/rehab/sobriety/AA/relapse and on and on. Some just don't drink. Or not use. But this is only stopping one symptom of the disease. Unless they go to AA and develop a program of sobriety, fit just for them, they will still suffer every other symptom of the disease. Not much changes and it can be worse.
In learning the alanon steps we get healthier. We learn the disease is not ours to conquer. We have no control over it whatsoever, no different than cancer or ms or anything. We have to leave the job to our loved one. Only they can choose or know when they can quit using and work to get well.
We learn in alanon to take care of our selves. To work hard on not allowing the disease to pull us in too. It is so opposite of what we want to do. We want to help, nope we must learn to not help, becuz when we help, we are feeding the disease, helping it to kidnap our loved one.
We want to protect, but when we do this, our A does not suffer the natural consequences of the behavior.
We want to make excuses, help employers to understand, tell others the facts, but in reality we are embarressing them, taking away any dignity they may have left.
The A needs to feel so sick, be so tired of being tired, maybe lose all they have to be sick and so desperate to have that inner survival instinct, to stop using and get help.
It must be so horrible to be so sick and know to get well you have to go away to rehab Most illness would make us come together with our loved one.
I don't know if I have said anything that will make ya feel better. The reality is actually so very hard to face. I always recommend the book, Getting Them Sober.
For me, most all the time i see the man separate from the disease. I rarely get angry I do get disappointed and sad a lot. I miss the man i married so much. I took down all his pics, don't wear my ring. i just can't. It is too painful. I am learning to accept him the way he is, and not fight it. i cannot change it or control it.
Anyway meetings, literature, chat and here helped me to learn so much and be able to cont. to be married to my A. I doubt I could live with him, but we will always be involved.
Hi , so glad u posted , keep going to meetings and this time listen to the feelings and similarities don't focus on the differences and yo will know your in the right place. Sometimes I would go to meetings with a pre concieved idea of what i wanted to hear and when I didnt I thought it was a bad meeting . then someone shared that littlel hint with me about listening to the similarities and things started to fall into place for me. hopefully you too. good luck Louise
I too have had those same dissapointments.. I use to think that I could love him enough to make him quit drinking. I couldnt understand why if he loved us he wouldnt stop. I also thought that he wouldnt drink if i didnt NAG so much. I stopped and he continued DRINKING.. I think we have all been where you are Jersey, some of us just more recently than others.. Thru alanon I realized that I didnt CAUSE his drinking, CANT CONTROL it and I CANT CURE IT. It is HIS DISEASE HIS PROBLEM ..
I am learning so much thru ALANON and would encourage you to keep coming back. I got a lot of confort knowing that I wasnt alone.
Dont be so hard on yourself your feelings of dissapointment are natural feelings..
There has been so many times that I have noticed that my "A" hasnt had a drink in a few days, and I think that maybe this is the time that he really wants to stop. And then the next day, there he is with a beer. Trust me the disappointment never goes away, but the suprise does. My "A" , as of two days ago, hasnt had a beer. And he admits he ahs a problem and that he wants to quit, but I dont put my faith into it anymore. I know that the chances of him stopping for good right now or even ever or slim to none. But I know that I will have that disappointed feeling when he picks up a drink. I think now more because my "break" from the drunk him, is over. Dont feel stupid, we all get our hopes up, it's in our nature. And there will be set backs and good times. Just take one day at a time.
Thanks debilyn, your suggestions did help and I am going to go buy that book!!! Not to be judgemental or hurtful, but from one in recovery to another....
I miss the man i married so much. I took down all his pics, don't wear my ring. i just can't. It is too painful. I am learning to accept him the way he is, and not fight it. i cannot change it or control it. Anyway meetings, literature, chat and here helped me to learn so much and be able to cont. to be married to my A. I doubt I could live with him, but we will always be involved. sending you love and strength. debilyn
why do you stay married? It's just that I wonder that for myself......why do I stay????
You hit the nail on the head, with those exact feelings. When he admits he has a problem and wants help....if you don't mind my asking what do you do? Is the key to just LISTEN to them?
I've been walking around with a lump in my throat ever since I started Alanon meetings and learned that this is not something I can control, like I used to try to do by yelling, being angry, making him feel guilty, ect. Now, I feel like I keep my emotions in a sense to myself. I understand my old tactics didn't work, but I used to share all my emotions with him, good and bad. That's one thing I enjoyed about having a partner. Should I not tell him what I am feeling concerning anything around his drinking? Is that where Alanon and my recovery is suppose to come in now?
I see where you're coming from. You don't want to close yourself off from someone you have an open, honest relationship with. If you could talk to him about the drinking without getting into an arguement, why not? I guess some of us avoid it because it always leads to heartache and arguements, promises made and broken..
It may be helpful for you to talk about it with him, to let him know how you are working to deal with it. Once you understand more about alcoholism,you will be able to deal with it in a better way. Remember, it is a disease and at times, the Alcoholic has no more control over it than we do. I'll never forget the look on my A's face one time. He knew where a bottle was, and he would have walked right through me to get to it. His eyes looked like he was possed, and maybe in a way, he was. It is a very difficult thing for them to overcome. My A has hardly drank in the last couple years, and he still has to struggle with it at times. That's when he really becomes a workacholic, can't stop working or he'll start drinking. We have to learn to be extra patient, they are struggling too. We don't talk about it much, but I'm so grateful when he lets me know when he is struggling.
I guess what it all boils down to is, it depends on what kind of relationship you have with your A. Hope this helped, Love, TLC
