The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been dating a man for two years. He is a recovering alcoholic, sober 1 1/2 years. It has not been easy, and I have no friends who is in this situation, so I come to you. The emotional rollercaoster sometimes is more than a soul can handle-but I have stuck it out. Two months ago I left town for a job in another area. I thought it would be good for both of us, as the stress of the relationship has been overwhelming. He attends A.A. 3-4 times a week and has many great friends there. However, the friends are woman. He claims that they understand what he is going through-and I agree. One female friend he spends alot of time with. I have learned to deal with that, after all she is very nice. But, two months ago when I was gone, he met another woman-new to the program-and they went out on two dates, and sleeped together. It has crushed me. Ofcourse he blames me because I left town. If I hadn't done that this never would have happened. I came back and we have been trying to work things out. However, he still goes to the meetings where she is, and she just can't understand why he did this to her. this angers me-she knew about me before she made the phone call to him. When I have a moment of weakness and want to talk about it he gets angry with me. Tells me he hates what he did to her, and again blames me. I have a feeling she is still calling him-which is understandable since he is so concerned about her welfare. Why do alcoholics continually blame others? I love him, but maybe too much damage has been done. Know I get anxious anytime he leaves to go to his meetings, and he only gets frustrated with me. What do you think? I have never meet or seen this woman, but I hate her anyway.
It appears your A is using the AA program for other things rather then just his recovery.
Blaming you for his cheating is rediculous. He's a grown man with big boy choices. You, nor anyone else can "make" him sleep with anyone. That's all manipulation on his part. And a load of crap too, I might add.
He's calling her because he is concerned with her welfare? What about yours? Not only the hurt it has caused and is causing, but what about sexually transmitted diseases? If it were me, there would be some blood testing to be sure you aren't putting yourself at risk..
Take the focus off this woman and put it back on yourself. My best suggestion is..Go to meetings, do what you need to do for "you".
The blame doesn't belong to her either. You said she knew about you...It should have been up to your A not to allow the situation to happen.
Do you attend meeting now? If not, going would help you to set boundaries with consequences and give you some tools to work with. It makes life much simpler when there is a clearly defined consequence to an action.
Take care,
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My A husband cheated on me with a woman he met through his program. There are people there in all stages of recovery, not all of them are really working their program, either. I agree with Christy, this is not your fault, he's just going back to his old A behaviour - smoke and mirrors, anything to take the focus off his own behaviour. Don't fall for it. If he's committed to a relationship with you, then let him show it. It's possible to get past this, but only if you both want to, and are willing to do the work.
