The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted here several weeks ago about leaving my a husband and how he of course has turned this all around on me. According to him everything going wrong with our marriage is my fault. Well I have been gone for 5 weeks now and I miss him terribly and I have been second guessing my decision to leave. I know that if I did not set a boundary with him in the way he talks to me it would continue. Well anyways, I went by the house yesterday to try and talk to him. I guess I thought that he would not want to lose me and would be calling but that has not happened. I ask him yesterday if he was just going to allow our marriage to end and he said yes which hurt me. I ended up crying, begging him, trying to reason with him, and threaten him with having all the utilities cut off. (they are in my name) None of this worked of course. What I did was set myself up for rejection. I had to listen to him tell me over and over again that he told me not to leave and that if I did that was the end of us. It is like he is punishing me. Today I feel like such a fool. I'm sure that I looked like a fool to him. I can't believe that I let myself beg him to help save our marriage. I have no self-esteem at all and by doing this it only added to it. Well today I am so angry at him and at myself for setting myself up like that. Have any of you experienced this?
In the past I have begged my "A" to not go out and use, I have begged him to stay home with us, but it doesn't work. I can't contorl his actions as much as I would like to. I can control me.
Keep coming back, I know that this program can give us strength.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can't answer for anyone else here, but I for one can definitely relate to where you are. ((((HUGS))))) to you and I'm sorry you're going through this. On many occasions I have thrown my A out due to his use only to be met with the greatest rejection. He didn't want to come back (or so he acted), was mean, put it all on me and my "behavior" (partly true, I was trying to control him), Every time I wound up begging him to come back for a variety of reasons (would he find someone else, keep using, not love me etc)....all of which was my effort to control HIS disease. All of which taught him one thing...I would always want him back. My obsession with controlling him superceded my own needs. My fear of being alone superceded my needs. I threatened to take things out of my name, I even threw myself on top of his car a few times..all embarrassing, all not necessary. His disease was far too powerful. If you've read any of my previous posts you will see that I too have been separated from my husband after his last decision to use.(about 4 weeks) However, this time I am not consumed by what he is doing, where he is and what will happen. It is in the HP hands now. I am fine by myself, I am learning to be by myself. His disease is not my responsibility. He is still trying to make me responsible for it but I won't be his caretaker anymore. I love him, I would love for our marriage to work, but at this time I have no control, I can't cure it and I didn't cause it. Keep posting. Love, Kim
Wow, I would have to agree with Kim she is so right.. However, I think we are alittle farther behind her on this path of recovery. You see, I left my husband and was gone a week then returned to empty promises.. Now, nothing has changed.. and I have to remind myself the alanon saying " NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES" I am right back on this merry go round that I wanted to get off so badly. Stay strong.. He is just manilipulating you because they know we love them.. It is their way to get back at us.. ( at least that is my opinion.) You deserve to be happy, my advise is keep busy, lean on friends and keep coming back..
We are with you on this path of RECOVERY not for them but for ourselves..
Oh, yeah, it's familiar all right. All he had to do was withhold forgiveness (when usually the original offense was his, anyway) and I would end up begging. I realized that all it really came down to was, he could stand to live in a home where people were mad at each other, not talking, etc., and I couldn't. I needed to ask myself - why do I need the love af a man who could USE love that way?
Thank you to everyone that replied to my post. When you are in the grips of a crisis it is so easy to forget that there are others out there that have experienced just what I am going thru now. Thank you all for being here and helping me to be strong.
Reading your post brought me right back to those days. I remember seperating from my husband many times after setting boundries for myself and children. After a couple of weeks the loneliness would set in and I would call him or go to see him. He would never call me either. I would have to fight with him to take his kids. It was all about him - and his disease. It was never his fault. If I left him alone he would be ok. I would always walk away with a piece of me left behind. I was giving him my self esteem and dignity.
It was not until I learned how to fill the voids of loneliness and despair with positives that things turned around in our situation. When my husband became less of a focus in my life he took notice. When I wasnt calling him he wanted to know why. When I didnt ask him to come home he really go worried about things. Ultimately he did get sober. Life isnt a bed of roses but it is better.
Dont beat yourself up over the situation. You were expressing your feelings to a person who cannot comprehend them at this time. You are worthy of being loved - and maybe he will be able to find a way to do so.
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
Keep coming here. Your A's DISEASE is trying to manipulate you and hurt you...I am sorry for your pain but you are not a fool...alcoholism is stronger than all of us...keep praying and turning the situation over to your HP...and today is a new day and you are not alone and...
