The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I AM REALLY HAVING TROUBLE COPING WITH HOW I AM FEELING TODAY. I HAVE THIS BURNING HOLE IN MY STOMACH. MY A ALWAYS COMES BACK AFTER THE WEEKEND BUT I KEEP TORTURING MYSELF THINKING THAT HE WON'T COME BACK THIS TIME. I KNOW I WILL BE OK EVENTUALLY BUT I DO NOT WANT TO BE APART FROM HIM. WE HAVE HAD THESE LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT NOT WANTING TO GROW OLD WITHOUT EACH OTHER. WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO DEEPLY WHEN HE IS SOBER. I KNOW HE MUST BE COVERING UP HIS FEELING WITH SUBSTANCES OTHERWISE HE WOULD BE HURTING TOO.
I KEEP PRAYING FOR GOD TO HELP ME TO LET GO AND TRUST HIM AND TAKE THIS HUGE WEIGHT OFF OF MY SHOULDERS. I REALLY NEED RELIEF, I CANNOT EAT OR SLEEP. IF HE WAS HERE I COULD WORK THE 1ST STEP MUCH EASIER. NOW I HAVE TO WONDER IF HE IS OK AND WHEN I WILL HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN. IF THERE WAS AN EMERGENCY HOW WOULD I LET HIM KNOW.
MY A IS SUPPOSEDLY BI-POLAR OR AT LEAST HAS SOME SORT OF MOOD DISORDER AND HE IS ON THREE DIFFERENT MEDS. HE DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING WITH HIM WHEN HE TOOK OFF FROM HIS AA MEETING THURSDAY NIGHT. HE HASN'T HAD HIS MEDS FOR 2 FULL DAYS NOW. HE DIDN'T EVEN CALL AND ASK FOR IT. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. I AM SO WORRIED.
HOW DO I COPE WITH THIS BETTER? I DO GET SOME RELIEF FROM WRITING THIS DOWN AND BY READING THE RESPONSES. I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HAVE FOUND THIS GROUP.
I know exactly how you feel. That panic is unbearable and my prayers and thoughts are with you. So many times I kicked my A out when he was high only to take him back for all the wrong reasons. Mostly it was that anxiety I felt while he was gone and if he was in front of me it would subside. The anger, resentments and arguing didn't though, as soon as he came back it was a barrage of questions and arguments. You see, I was never ready for him to come back. This last time, something changed. I didn't feel the anxiety of where he was and what he was doing. I knew full well that no matter what i tried to do, whether he was in my sites or not he was going to do what he wanted. I also understand about your A's addtional diagnosis. My A although not bi-polar was diagnosed with huntington's disease in Nov of 2004, it is a fatal neurodegenerative disease that includes a psychiatric component. He had been on anti depressants as well as supplements however chose to get high instead of keeping himself healthy. It is a strong disease that would lend itself to one destroying brain cells that they cannot afford to lose. All I can say to you is it is his choice to not take the medication, it is his choice to get high. Whether he is home or not he is going to make that choice for himself. Be strong and keep posting. Many ((((((hugs))))) to you.
Melissa, I have found when I worry about my A when he is out drinking that the only thing it does is to keep me awake...I always check the clock, look out our window to see if his car is there, and then go back to bed. Several times he has passed out in the car with the car running, and I would get up in the wee hours and drag him out of the car, etc...this isn't an easy life. All I can do is to stay very close to my spiritual side and place everything in God's Hands. God also takes care of my A and has a plan for him. That thought makes me feel much better. Of course if my A is turning his back on his HP by drinking (which I feel that he is), then I can't do anything about that. He is definitely losing his spirit as we rarely see that spirit we all used to see, which is very, very sad, but I guess that happens when one is using drugs of any kind. His drinking is consuming his being. We have to accept that which we cannot change.
Well, Melissa, I hope this helps a little. Please take care of you and your mental health. Love and blessings, Annie
