The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I live in a small town and there are no alanon meeting near me. I really need help. I don't know what the first step is. I have been with my husband for 11 years. He has been an addict since before I met him, but he was clean for some time when we were married. It has been a constant battle with pain killers, ephedrine,alcohol and pretty much any other type of drug including work out supplements and even steroids once. He has been through rehab 4 times since I have been with him. He is such a wonderful, loving person when he is going through rehab and when he comes home for a short time. Last time he went to rehab was because he came very close to dying from a drug overdose. We have 4 children. This thing has caused so much damage, but we love each other so much and have shared so much. Last weekend he took off and disapeared on a weekend drunk and then 5am Monday morning he called and said I woke up and realized how stupid I am, I love you so much, please come and get me. Of course I did. Why do I keep believing him. We then have a wonderful day or two together and then his attitude starts to change again. Last night I took him to an AA meeting and when I came back to pick him up, he wasn't there. I called him at work this morning and he said he loves me and the kids and he will be home tonight and that he has to get this out of his system. The kids and I go to pick him up after work and they lie for him and say he isn't there. I know he is because I saw him walk by the door that was open.He is a very convincing liar and these people obviously believe whatever lies he is telling them. I waited for awhile and then realized that he took off out the back door. Obviously he has told his work who knows what to make me look bad, but I don't understand why he does this to me. We fight a lot because his attitude gets really bad and he treats all of us really mean. He told me today that he took off last night because he couldn't stand me bitching at him anymore. What am I supposed to do when he is so mean and doesn't pay attention to me at all. He is trying to blame this on me now. I really need some advice, I miss him so much and I love him so much and I know how much he loves me. We have tried to be separated before and always come back together because he does nothing but drink himself to death when we are apart. How do I get through this. I don't know what to do anymore. I am in so much pain, not sleeping or eating. I know he will call me when he gets done with his weekend drunk again, not to mention he can get away with anything because someone from work is letting him stay and providing him with alcohol and whatever else even though I have talked to them and they know about his problem. I don't drink at all and have never done drugs. I don't understand this at all. He wanted to be clean so bad and he has absolutley no future without his family and he knows this. Please any advice, thank you
Of course he blames you - if he didn't, he would have to blame himself, and he can't stand that.
Try to get yourself some alanon Literature - you can order some things through here, or through amazon or on ebay, or get it from the library. The more you learn about this disease, the easier it is to deal with. You can read through old threads here, too, to get an idea of what our program is all about. Basically, alanon tells us that we cannot change the alcoholic, so we need to stop focusing all our attention and energy towards him, and work on our own selves instead. What is our part in what is wrong with our lives? For most of us, we have been putting so much into the relationship with the A that we neglect other important parts of our lives, such as our own happiness, and our children. The first step is - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable. Once you admit this, you can stop fighting it. You can't fix him, you can't make him stop, so you can give up, it's OK. Start to work on something you can change - yourself. One thing we say here, that gives most of us hope, are the three Cs You didn't Cause it You can't Control it You can't Cure it
You might also want to read this - I find it helpful:
THE ALCOHOLIC SPEAKS TO HIS FAMILY - I am an alcoholic. I need your help. Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too. Don't pour out my liquor - it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily. Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape from the consequences of my drinking.Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly. I love you. Your alcoholic.
I had to hit my bottom to come to this program and really be ready to work it. I hope you have willingness to do things different with your A -- I found it to be incredibly scary but also more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.
Even within all the chaos you live with daily, you can make a decision to keep the focus on yourself. I know it sounds too simple and not about the problem (such as dealing with the A) but it does work! If you can work on you, that gives your A the space to do what he needs to do with his life. I tried all kinds of behaviors and tactics to get my A to stop drinking. Truth is, she wasn't ready until SHE was ready -- which happened to be after we broke off our six year relationship. No matter what you do, you cannot win against alcoholism. It is a powerful, cunning and baffling disease and we get just as sick as the drinker over time.
Please keep coming back here, read some literature and maybe start praying a bit. It will get better. You're in the right place.
Love and hugs, Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Melissa, it's not that your stupid for continueing to believe him when he's says he's been stupid and he wants to come home. It's not like he's lying, he probably does want to get better. But it's a disease. It's a bad sickness, and he has to realize and admit that he cant do it on his own. You dont have to feel bad for being supportive as long as your not putting yourself or your kids in danger in the process. We all love our Alcoholics and Addicts, thats why we stick around. Alanon has helped me a lot and I only do it from my computer, keep going online and talk to the members and read other stories and vent when you need to. We are hear for you. Welcome to the family.
