Hello roomies:

had a rough couple of days slipping in and out of behavior that is familiar for me, but yet I know will get me nowhere.  I have not seen my A in 3 weeks since I kicked him out from 1500 miles away when I knew he was high in our house.  We have spoken on several occasions, and this past Monday we had a conversation that I thought would be the beginning of a healing process.  At the end of the conversation he asked that I leave the door open for him so that he could get some belongings etc.. I agreed.  Not being the best morning person, I forgot to leave the door open.  We had also agreed when we spoke that we would speak again the next night.  He called me that morning to say that I forgot to leave the door open.  I apologized and offered to drop off what he needed.  He was angry. Oh well I did my best to rectify the situation.  That night, no call.  I was upset, not realizing that he was doing it out of sheer spite. I called him the next day  (mistake) and explained that this was not a way to heal anything.  He was beligerent about it at first and then admitted that he was mad about me not opening the door.  I let it go. It wasn't worth the argument. Later that day, I was home for lunch to let my new dog out(she's doing well and such a love) and he stopped by.  In the course of the conversation I noticed he didn't have his wedding ring on, well, I just about broke.  Cried and cried b/c in all that has gone on I have never taken off my wedding ring. He rationalized it right away saying that I have been "acting" like I took mine off and I kicked him out so therefore he took his off.  I left crushed.  He called me several times afterward, I refused to answer.  I didn't want to argue.  I knew I would go to places I shouldn't in the course of the conversation.  He left a message apologizing for his actions saying that it was stupid and he loved me and he was kicking himself for doing it. I spoke to him later in the night and basically said I was done. I couldn't do it anymore.  Panic set in.  I could hear it.  I said that his actions far superceded his words and that I couldn't do it anymore. He had obviously moved on and hadn't changed. I knew he had been invited to an engagement party for a friend of his that he was planning on attending.  I had been concerned about him going, knowing that this was a trigger environment for him, but knowing that I couldn't control itm so let it go.  I became so emotional that of course I brought it up.  He said that I was more important than a party and he wouldn't go. I left it at that feeling somehow like this was a good thing.  WE spoke again last night and he wanted to get together over the weekend to "talk".  He asked if we could get together on Sunday.  I said no.  I knew that if I agreed and he went to the party that I would be waiting all day and did not want to be disappointed. He offered Friday, Monday I said no. I was trying  control it, stupid me. Finally after a few minutes he knew why I kept saying no.  He admitted that he wanted to go, knew it was not the best environment but also knew that if he went that he would realize quickly that he made the wrong decision.  I told him I didn't want him not to go because of me. He could go, and I would see him another weekend. He insisted that it wasn't b/c of me, it was his choice and that he knew it wasn't the right place for him.  If they weren't serving alcohol he would go, but they are and that's that.  Meantime, I'm not even sure if I want to see him now. I feel like I've manipulated the situation into something I wasn't sure of from the beginning.  I didn't want it but I couldn't help myself. Now I feel like I defeated my purpse which was to stay away from the subject and watch and see.  Now what?