Hope for Today - September 2

     When I did my Fourth Step, I was amazed to
discover that my stealing a ten-cent comb at age
seven was fairly inconsequential.  I had carried guilt
for this minor infraction for many years.  I
identified with the concept of an overdeveloped
sense of responsibility, but I had no idea it was a
shortcoming. 

#######ROSIE...oh for me it was the  guinnea pig my best friend gave me that i accidentally killed....my brother charles and i were sitting on the bed and the guinea pig was on the bed with us, and we were passing him  back and forth   back and forth  and  he DIED!!!!!  i held his limp little body in my hands with his  soft brown fur and i looked at charles and said  "what the F$%$ did we do??"   i was 12 he was 9.....we sat there in stunned silence!!!!   we burried him and it took me DAYS to tell doris , my friend, that we killed her pet......than later on i had a lab  puppy that i just couldn't keep in this tiny apartment i had so i tied her outside this old lady's door who took in dogs   (we called her the dog lady)   and i ran AWAY!!!!!!   for years i tormented myself over the guinea pig and that puppyi had to abandon at this lady's house.....i cursed myself for years,    later on i would get into  the "lab rescue"  business on my own,  walking the pounds  (which i still am very active)  and rescuing labs that are not being placed....i guess in the 15 or so years that i have done this i have saved over 100 dogs,  easily.....so why do i STILL feel bad over this  guinea pig and lab pup?????  cause to cause harm to a creature in my culture is a great sin!!!!!   and in my   12 year old mind and my  21 year old mind   (12 when the guinea pig died--21 when i abandoned the pup)  anyway,   i look back at how SICK i was at those ages....the perp was still going after me,  chasing me at my apt.  which i was able to avoid him to a great degree,  but the pervert was still doing his best to be "in my life"    i see how horribly sick i was,   at 18  one does not "magically"  grow up--or get well.....i needed SERIOUS  probably in-patient therapy  and here i am   TWO lousey mistakes,  bad judgement calls,  just lousey mistakes that ANY human being could do,  even *well ones"   and i cursed me for YEARS for   F$%$ing up two innocent creatures.....i am more forgiving myself now, because  AT THE TIME... playing with the gunea pig,  i did NOT realize that they frighten easily and go into shock....  i  thought the puppy had a better shot at the old lady's house with other pets......i did the best i could with the imature and later sick mind that i had......so now i am doing what i can to  *make it up to ME*    at first rescueing labs was to assuage my guilt,  to pay BACK the universe for my mistakes......NOW i do it because i am THOROUGHLY in love with labrador retreivers.....as i type this  all THREE of my  *girls*   who are purebred  *pound puppies*  are in the office with me watching me to my "recovery work"    i love them...my own daughter said   "i think you love those girls as much as you do me"   hehehehehe   i told her she had some pretty close competition!!!!!    anyway, i rescue them cause they have given me SO much love over the years,  i want to give them sommething BACK

 I considered my omnipotent
accountability a sterling asset.  The results of my
inventory suggested I consider otherwise.
     As I sought this defect's true nature, I found an
underlying pattern of perfectionism.  I wondered
why I felt the need to be perfect all the time, to
the point that on one had to punish me for doing
something wrong. 

#######ROSIE....yep for me it was "having to be right"   but worse, it was my  "you are NEVER to harm an innocent creature"   i think i understand now,   animals were my ONLY source of affection and love back then....ANIMALS were my only friends,  they were the only things that "didn't screw me"  like people did.....so to harm one  , even though it was innocent, caused me  total heartbreak.....all i had in the way of goodness in my life was my creatures.....to punish me to hurt me,  the perp took my  GORGIOUS german shepherd  female who  HATED him,  wouldn't allow him to beat me,  he took her while i was in school and killed her!!!  i come home and my  "best friend" wasn't there......my mother couldn't tell me what he did, so she said  "princess" ran away.....for a WEEK,  i searched the woods on my  little paint quarter horse,  riding bareback ,  with my bow and arrow slung over my shoulder in case i ran into a creature who was "not so friendly"   and i would call for her....weeks pased into months,  i distributed her pictures,   ???'d the other folks in town,,,,THAN  my mother couldn't stand it anymore and told me the truth!!!!!    the  perv was in his office and i walked in and told him  "on my dying day i will curse your name---you are an evil  evil  evil man, and ONE day,  you will reap the wickedness you have sown"   i was 11  and shaking in my shoes...but i said it!!!!   i told him   "one day your name will be ereased from me FOREVER"   well today,  i no longer bare his name,  i "erased" him  and i "erase"  him each day i work this program......i did not mean to get carried away here,  i am just remembering some stuff.......the need to be "perfect"  the need to NEVER "F$%$ up"   the need to be the  best or i was not ok....so i accidently cause the death of one guinea pig,  and i abandon one dog,  and i am a sewer rat!!!   well i FORGIVE ME!!!  getting this out has helped me!!!!   thanks for bearing with me here

 I punished myself before they
could get to it.  It surprised me to discover that my
perfectionism covered a deep fear of abandonment.
When I had done something incorrectly as a child,
my alcoholic father wouldn't speak to me for days.

######ROSIE...OH the punishment i heaped on me would rival any torture camp......i was gonna get even with him by  "getting ME".....my perfectionism hid my fear of  not just abandonment, but the most BRUTAL insults/ put downs/ accusations/ --- the "strap"  was a joy compared to the verbal assault...i would go to school  COVERED with my welts and bruises from the "strap"  but that didn't compare with the hemoraging spirit of me from his insults that cut into me like so many razor blades.......

I can still remember feeling tense, sad, and alone
until he resumed communicating with me; then
everything would be okay again.  I felt as if I were
being abandoned over and over.  I didn't know my
father's alcoholic thinking and behavior had nothing
to do with me.
    

#####ROSIE....well i used to pray that mine WOULDNT talk - have anything to do with me...when he had his heart attack, my younger sibs and i tried to  "provoke" him into having the "big one"  we did EVERYTHING to piss him off  when that didn't work,   as he lay sleeping one day i found a BUNCH of spiders in the basement...he was terrified of the  "eight legged 'cuddlies'"  so i tossed a "family" of them on him......every spider in that basement was "called up for duty"   and the bastard would NOT go into cardiac arrest!!!!   charles, my brother and i hid behind the door as he screamed and did the  "watusi" dance  trying to get those things OFF him and   NO heart attack.......it was time to give up......hope and pray he stayed sick for a while so as to give us some peace.....even  mom didn't drink during that  "vacation"  she actually was sober....and i think she knew  "where the spiders"  came from....not a word was said about it ,  not until his mangy body was dying from cancer and my brother and partner in torment and i talked about it...we giggled about how touugh demons are.....but yeah,  for him to not speak to us??? that was a present......but having to be perfect or i was NOT ok,  carried into the tennis courts with me...if a lesser player  happened to beat me,   i put the match on "replay"l in my head, and tormented myself over it.....

 Fear of abandonment is probably universal, but
fear of abandonment is abandonment itself.  Only
when I hold onto my childhood perception of the
past do I think I can control the possibility of being
abandoned.  Working the program and trusting my
Higher Power gives me a fresh view of myself and
of my past, thus freeing me from its grip.
Thought for the Day
     It's natural for a child to want to control.  As an
adult in recovery, however, I have healthier options.  "With a relationship with a God of my
       understanding . . . I no longer fear
       abandonment."
             *From Survival to Recovery*, p 83
  ----------


#####ROSIE   the fear of abandonment is leaving me now....i have ME, i have my "higher self" i have my "christ within"  i have my REAL loved ones,  the people who WANT me to be happy,  i have my  4 legged friends whom i play with, i have my friends......but erasing the fear,  trust me,  HAD to come from WITHIN...as long as i looked WITHOUT  for my peace?? acceptance??validity??? i was in trouble......NOW i look WITHIN,  and guess what???  it radiates WITHOUT to the universe now....thank you for listening to me...i kinda got off here,  another walk down "memory road"   it felt good to confess about the guinea pig and the puppy.....its like i only told a  SELECT  couple of people,  now i told you guys,  and the attempts to provoke the perp.....looking back???? i think god was saying to me  "hey rosie, hang in there,  i got something WAY better than spiders for him--so be patient!!"     peace and hugs/   rosie