The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Despite my desire to not do the same thing and expect different results (insanity), I have managed to do just that.
I broke up with my partner about 1.5 years ago after six years of dysfunction, verbal and sometimes physical abuse and disrespect. I didn't leave her for any of those reasons though. I left her because she had an affair and expressed no willingness to stop.
After that, I took a year off from relationships (romantic), got my very first apartment by myself and made no other major changes. I also went to meetings everyday then -- about three times a week now. I feel like I have made tremendous progress but then...
I befriended a woman who just happens to trigger all my relationship crap from the past. I had no real boundaries with her and she treated me accordingly. Recently, she gave me a good kick to my ego by being herself (emotionally unavailable and hooking up with others). I am fairly confident I have had enough pain with her to keep me from pursuing/participating in that sick relationship.
However, I am afraid. I don't want to keep having the same relationship with different people. I thought my ex gave me enough pain of this sort for a lifetime... apparently not. I want my HP's will, not mine but all that gets blurry when I focus on being alone and unpartnered. I want to choose to be teachable over following my ego but I fear I can't do it long term.
I feel in this moment that I am my own worst enemy. Alcoholism truly is a disease of perception.
-- Jessi
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If you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done.
Put down your bat! You don't have to beat yourself up. You are doing good job! You recognized a pattern of behavior faster than the 6 years it took you in your last relationship to recognize! You didn't learn all of your bad behaviors overnight. So you won't get rid of them overnight either. Just keep going to meetings and working with your sponsor ( or get one if you don't have one yet ) and take one day at a time. In alanon we reach for progress, not perfection.
I agree with Qnjoan be gentle with yourself! You are a work in progress and you have come along way from where you were. As they say, " I am not where I need to be, but thank God I am not where I used to be." Encourage yourself as I encourage you to keep coming, listening and learning and your life will fall into place.
You said "I am my own worst enemy." Well, Jessi you are also your own best friend and would you be this hard on a friend who was expressing what you are feeling..I think not! Give yourself a break! Be gentle with you!
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Jessi, I have to say that I blame my poor choice of getting involved w my A because I was not mentally healthy due to immaturity or whatever... As I look back on my choices, and I compare them to what I think are healthy relationships, I can see where I went wrong. I guess I, too, was afraid of being "unpartnered" and wanted a loving relationship. I, thus, overlooked the weaknesse of the relationship because i was so taken by "that loving feeling."
Now, in hindsight, I believe I would question my sanity as well as listen to that little voice inside of me that I ignored before. Keep that little voice strong and listen, listen, listen.
I too repeated the same relationships errors. Married to an A for 14 years who was abusive. Then married an A who got clean and sober to marry me, only to go back to drinking and drugging. It took me 14 years the first time around, this time we are almost on 7 years. This last week has been an eye opener for me as I have accepted in my heart of hearts that this marriage won't last another year with his carrying on with his friends and his disease. But last night at my group, my counselor told me that she can see that I am seeing things so much clearer than I was just 6 months ago. I know I want to be happy. I want to be loved by someone and that I feel like I'm loved. I know that I want to be accepted just the way I am. So hang in there. Hug yourself and do a nice thing just for you!
