The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Started my new job last Monday...still in training and will be for another week. Is t is going well...just some overload with new information. I am having a hard time finding extra time on this board. When I do though, it is healing, comforting, calming.
I am really struggling big time with loving him and hating the disease. I just hate that his face gets red and puffy as soon as he has had a drink. It is so obvious. It is like the bank robber who opens the bag of money and is instantly sprayed with paint to mark him and the money. He is spending a fortune every month on his alcohol and cigarette addictions. I hate hearing every day, "I'll get it together." Ha! What a joke! What a lying ~!@@#*!
I can't separate the two. I am so angry that he is allowing his life to be defined by this disease and has chosen to destroy our marriage, all his relationships and himself. He has chosen to ruin us and take away a good life for us all together. I hate him for it. I sometimes imagine his funeral and see myself struggling with his eulogy. He has lost everything. Even though he is still living here with me and the kids, he has lost us. He has lost respect. He has lost friends. He has lost love. He has lost a relationship with his sisters. His son doesn't respect him. My son spends as little time here as possible because of his dad, and that is MY loss. All is can say at the end is that he lost everything and that his life is a sad, sad story. I hate that he was so promising, so smart, so interesting, so funny...such a neat guy a long, long time ago. Now when he comes home every night, all I can often think is "I hate him."
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Take what you can use and leave the rest...seeking tranquilityand offering what comfort I can...Claire
Hurting* I know how ya feel. My "A" gets a glazed over look when he's been drinking and it's like a huge sign to me that he's drunk. Of course he says that he doesnt look different but to me he does, I can tell when he's had one beer now. I was doing so well with the program and then Hurricane Katrina hit us. We lost power and of course because he didnt have to work and it's boring when a hurricne hits, it was a perfect time to get stupidly wasted. He got so drunk that I couldnt go to sleep because he was messing around with candles. He had to have them all lit and it was heating up the house (now I dont know if you live in Florida-but you dont want to heat up the house if you already dont have any AC). I also was really afraid that he was gonna set the house on fire. We have a gas stove and he's already left it on over night twice because he turns it on and then passes out before he can cook anything. Now I cant sleep if I here him messing with it and especially during the hurricane with the candles. At one point he was out in the patio and he's throwing up and then he walks to the cooler and falls down and then crawls to it and gets another beer. I was watching the whole thing and just amazed. I could not believe that he HAS TO drink until he literally passes out cold. He cannot stop himself. Needless to say, I had a hard time controling myself that night. I was so discusted. I thought he was so pathetic. I am 6 months pregnant and I need my sleep and I cant when he's drunk because I fear for our lives. My son is 2 and we have a daughter on the way. I know I havent given you any advice but I felt like I can relate. Hang in there and I will too.
Doesn't it feel like a rollercoaster sometimes? The varying degrees of feelings we have for our A's?
I can have moments of seeing the man I married and smiling, then I see this other man that drinks and my thoughts just change. The smile disappears and I feel a sense of remorse.
I go from good times thinking I can stay, to behaviors from him that make me want to run to the nearest exit.
It is so hard to live with "A"s. And to add to it, we remember the good times and wish that person comes back to us.
I go to AA and NA meetings along with my alanon. I go to the other meetings to help me understand. I read the AA Big Book and the NA Basic Text. I strive for an understandig of him, and it really helps me.
I have been able to seperate him from the disease, it wasn't easy. And just becasue you are struggling with that right now, doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you, or that you are doing anything wrong.
All you can do is work on you, take care of yourself, and do what you feel is best for yourself and you children.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
