The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to figure out why I am wanting to go back to my alcoholic husband. I left three weeks ago and now I am finding it hard to stay away. My husband has now turned this around on me and says "Things aren't going to work out between us Julie". Now I am left feeling rejected when I was the one that initiated the break-up. I can see that my husband is in denial. He has never had to pay bills or take responsibility before and now both of his enablers are gone. His mother died in February and now I left. Why do I want to be with a man who continuosly makes me feel that I don't do anything right? Goes on rampages of ranting and raving? Who is disrespectful? Who seems to harbor so much resentment toward me. He told me that he is going to show me and his siblings that he can maintain a house, pay bills, and drink his beer if he wants to. Exact words. I see him hitting bottom soon. I just need to have patience and Let Go and Let God. I know all of this so why can't I just let it happen? Has anyone else had these mixed emotions?
I know exactly what you are talking about. Last year when I got in trouble and stayed at my in-laws for 3 + weeks, I felt such relief that I didn't have to know what my A was doing. Now when I know he's going to be gone, like a fishing trip, I so look forward to it. It used to bother me when he would say I can make it on my own, did it before you and can do it after you. I use to feel so desperate and all the abandonment issues would surface. Last night when he said that he can't live with how my kids are (previous post) he just feels like leaving. I so wanted to say to him "go then" I do fine by myself. I love him so very much but I hate the drama and ever present crisis state I live in. Letting go and Letting God helps so very much. Work on you! Do nice things for you! Try not to interrupt what he is sowing. I know how very hard it is for me to do all this, if you have to take one moment at a time then do so. The A's have a convenient way of making it out that it is all our faults. My A use to say that he was going to leave and tell everyone that I threw him out. Use to bother me, now if he says that my response is .......that's fine, but you know the truth inside your heart....Hang in there.
Julielynn, what made you marry him? You love him, that's why. I beleive once we really know it is the disease that is controlling them, we realize our loved one is locked inside there somewhere.
We get glimpses of them, maybe for a second maybe more maybe a month.
They are still our mates, who have a horrible disease!! Would you leave if it was brain cancer causing him to be such a pod person??I doubt it. We made vows, in sickness and in health. WE meant it.
But sometimes, and it is no wonder, we have to get away!! it is horrible becuz in leaving the disease, we leave the one we love too.
i want to see and talk to my husband every day. i know he wants me too. But the disease makes such a mess. i start thinking he is gone and the disease is here all the time now. He does not love ME anymore. And now for the millionth time my A is straight and sober and clean again. So he calls and it is the man i married.
Maybe in an hour he will be the pod person again....kidnapped by the disease.
We are animals, we are drawn to what is familiar. If you leave your home and your A you feel a million lossed to the place you kept your toothbrush!!!
I take a day at a time. I think every night, ahhhhh got thru another one. And was ok or very ok or very happy that day.
Sometimes I acke for him. Especially when I am sick. For a while I went and saw him. But I think I am done doing that now too. He has to do something.
Anyway these are my thoughts. My heart goes out to all of you, I sure relate.
We have all had those mixed emotions Julie. It comes with loving an A and knowing how caring and loving he/she can be when sober. And the continued hope that our A will become sober and maintain forever. When that doesn't happen, it somehow falls upon us to consider ourselves the failing partner.
"I just need to have patience and Let Go and Let God." These are your words Julie. When you can do this, you will find peace with your decision and in your life.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I wish I had an answer for you.. But I can say that I understand.. I too have the same feelings.. I left my husband for about a week. And missed him so badly. I talked with him everyday ( first mistake ) then i let him convince me that he would get help (second mistake ) then i went home.. after almost a week.. ( third mistake ) One blessing while I was gone I found this board and have been here ever since. Daily listening talking and learning to focus on me. Well, needless to say, I am back and things are still the same. He is drinking and hiding it... I love him but HATE the disease and what it has done to our family. I joined Alanon to help ME... It isnt easy to change the focus from him to me. But that is why I am here.. I have to Stop worring about him and start worring about me..
It isnt easy, to LET GO AND LET GOD .. It is work but we are worth it..
Thank you everyone for your replies. It can be so hard sometimes when you are in a crisis to keep the focus on yourself. I made it through the weekend by really working hard on my program. I need to learn to really Let Go and Let God. Thank you everyone.
