The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone! This is my first post. I've been reading the boards for awhile and it has really helped to know I'm not alone. To read the details people talk about and to know that these are the same details I live with -- it is comforting to know I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.
Forgive me if I don't have the lingo down right.
I was married a year ago this past June. My husband kept his addiction to alcohol, cocaine and crack and who else knows what, a secret from me, his family, the world. I've never had a marriage. The person I said "I do" to is not the one I ended up being married too. He even stole money from me on our honeymoon for drugs and he's pawned his wedding twice now for money so he could drink. I'm not wearing my rings now until he (if ever) gets the ring back from the pawn shop. I finally got him to leave May 1/05. Since that time, he's lost his job, arrested for taking a knife to someone, hit a parking booth with people in (no one was hurt) and he robbed a cab driver with a knife. The police can't find the weapon so he isn't up on armed robbery. Once his case goes before the courts (right now his lawyer keeps reprimanding it so he can get a job, therapy -- so it looks good for the judge) he is expected to do 2 years - in reality that means 6-7 months. He lives right now at the salvation army and has a curfew at 7pm.
Since he's been at the salvation army, I wouldn't agree to have him live me (after all he has proven that he cannot be trusted many times) but I did agree to have him stay with me saturday nights. The first weekend this was to happen everything went well. The second weekend, he didn't show up in the morning when we had planned for him to come over. Instead he out with a new friend from the salvation army. I told him all he needed to do was make a phone call saying he wasn't coming over. End of story, that's all I've ever asked was a phone call. He made all these excuses -- most of them were my fault according to him and told me he didn't have to call me. I told him he can't treat me like this anymore and expect to get away with it. I also told him I was going to his lawyer and stoping his saturday night visits. He told me to go to hell and hung up me.
He didn't talk to me for 5 days and we did communicate it was through email. He told me how depressed he was, how he was mad at me and had more excuses and got mad at me again.
Okay, i'm sorry for the long email (trust me this is the condensed version) but I want to know am i wrong for just wanting a phone call. I don't think I am and want someone's opinion on this and how to be strong and not give in. Inside I'm a wreck, but I don't want to give in this time.
I don't think it's unrealistic to want a phone call but I wouldn't drive yourself crazy about it. Maybe you should tell him if he can't respect your wishes for a phone call then he can't come the next time. I know how important that phone call can be but is he up to making it? Good luck and I hope this helped a little. Hang in there and stay strong.
You are not wrong for wanting a phone call. That is what a normal, sane person does when they are not going to show up. Unfortunately we both know all too well that A/addicts aren't sane. With all that he is putting into his body and mind he is incapable of reasoning out the reason for the phone call. When they have drinking or drugging on thier minds.. that's all that matters. It's hard to take but it's not personal on his part. I'm sure he really does love you and wants the life you both dreamed of before you were married. It's just his addition is a stronger driving force then you and a white picket fence.
Learn all you can about the disease. Go to open AA/Na meetings if posible they are very helpful. Keep coming back.
Hello and welcome to Alanon. I am so gald you are here, you are in the right place.
I once heard in an alanon meeting that expectations are premeditated resentements. MY "A" can not meet my expectations, even if it as simple as a phone call. No it is not wrong of you to want a phone call, but if your "A" is all wrapped up in himself, you more than likely will not get it.
Alcoholism is a selfish disease, and when our "A"s are actively using, our needs are not a priority to them, they come first. That is why it is important to take care of you. In one of my posts I mentioned a night when my "A" did not come home and we had something planned. Another member mentioned that she has a back up plan, a plan "B". So if something doesn't work out and her "A" doesn't show, she isn't waiting for him. This is something I am going to do for myself.
A few things:
I would like to share the three C's of alanon.
1) You did not cause his drinking
2) You can not control his drinking
3) You can not cure his drinking.
Your "A" is going to blame you for things, because he can not face the reality of his actions. He is in denial, and therefore in his eyes blameless, this is what my "A" does, except that he blames others and not me. And if he tries to blame me I will not accept it, because I am not the problem.
I come to alanon to work on me, to give away what works for me, to hear the ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope) from the others, and this all helps me so much.
Keep coming back, this program works. We have online meetings, they are great. Go to a face to face meeting (F2F). Soke up as much program as you can. You won't regret it!
Much Love,
__________________
"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Hi , one of the biggest mistakes I made was expecting my husb to act normal ,when in thier addiction the only thing that matters is getting what they need. period. It sounds like your in a real predicament right now and have a few decissions to make. I assume u arent attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , they will help u alot . W e need support from others that have been where were at. This board and chat are great but no comparrison to what u will find in rel meetings. I hope that u will do that for yourself.
There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself . good luck Louise
Hi everyone! Just wanted to say thank you for helping get through this. I'm a smart woman and know that this disease is horrible and should not let it drag me down, but after all it is easier said than done. I guess I just needed some comforting.
I always thought I was a very strong person and can handle his addictions but I've realized this web site is exactly what I need and am looking forward to meetings.
Just wanted to add something that I heard here once, when I was hurting so badly - "Of course he blames you, honey. That's what they DO" It really isn't personal, it's not because you weren't a good enough wife, or because you don't love him enough, or any other reason. He is an A and an addict, and he will probably never really be able to give you the Hollywood version of a husband, even if he gets into recovery. He's just too badly damaged. That means that you need to stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. Can you accept this, as something that IS, and live with it, or not? Nobody but you knows the answer, and you may not know it either. Most of us here (Really, I think it's ALL of us here) did not get involved with the people we did by accident. There was something in us which responded to their disease. Working the program can help you get to know enough about yourself, and get healthy enough, so that you can find a good life for yourself. Maybe that is with your A, and maybe not. This program can save lives and sanity, it does not promise to save marriages.
