The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We took our kids to the doctor this morning, and my a stepped on one of the scales. He weighed 20lbs more at the doctor than he did at work. He got so depressed over it. I mean we're both over weight. I've been a symptomatic over eater since I was a child. We have not been active, we just need to change our diet and lifestyle. So in the car ride home he starts talking about what a failure and loser he is. He says I'll never get this new job he's interviewing for. I hear this constant negative bantering constantly. I try to be optimist with him, it does not help. I started thinking silently to myself, when he feels this regret, this sense of failure, and " what have I been doing with my life." I think I feel happy or satisfied that he feels this way. I must be an awful person to be glad that my partner is feeling this way. Maybe I don't love him like I thought I did. Maybe I'm so tired of the bs I just don't care anymore.
So I get to work and begin my day, he calls because he has called off today to do this interview. Apparently he told someone at work he was going to an interview today, so they fired him. I cant believe it!!! Is he crazy telling someone he has an interview? When it comes to work my a has not had a good track record. He has short lived times of trying to really apply himself to a job, but honestly he does not have confidence or the skills to get the jobs he really wants. He also doesn't have a driver's license or transpo to get himself to and from work. I'm burned out on carpooling him here and there, I'm burned out on never having a steady income come into the home. This morning I seriously began considering selling my condo, paying off my van, all the credit card bills and taking the rest of the money to move to the city where my mom is and buy a cute little house or condo for me and my boys.
If I left the a I feel moving closer to my mom is the only way I can make on my own right now. I don't have much support where we live now, my brother's too busy, the a's parents are not approachable, etc. This is literally the only plan I've come up with to get out of this mess and save my sanity from this uncertain lifestyle we are living. I thought, yeah I can live with the unexpected financial hardships, I can live with the occassional alcohol binges, but I'm beginning to feel like I really can't. Maybe I've been settling because I really wanted to have a two parent home, and wanted my kids to grow up with their Dad in the home. I've struggled with this decision for two years, there is a real fear here for me about leaving him, and the pain it will cause us all. Underneath the fear is guilt, shame, sadness and grief about losing the dream I had, guilt because my kids love their Daddy so much.
I pray for my HP to give me the wisdom and knowledge around this decision, I've learned in Alanon that making hasty decisons is usually me reacting to my emotions. I hate second guessing myself, I feel so damn wishy washy when it comes to this part of my life, anything else I'm decisive, clear, and just take it head on, this is different, this my heart, my kids hearts, and the a's heart.
Any supportive feedback is welcome at this point. Thanks friends.
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
(((HUGS))) to you twinmom. I am in a similar situation. I just recently took my 2 boys and left my A husband to move in with my parents. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. The leaving part was actually not that difficult b/c I knew in my heart that I couldn't stay there another minute and put myself or my kids through that.
What's been hard is the adjustment to change, living with my parents again, not having help with the boys(my husband was actually pretty good with helping out), having my oldest son ask every day if we could go back home and asking where Daddy was, and dealing with the anxieties of my A in general. Being so far away & not knowing where he was, what he was doing, if he was ok, etc. In the beginning it was such a relief to not have to worry about him, but when he made a decision to change and we decided to reconcile all of those anxieties came back. Dealing with the pressure he put on me to come back was almost unbearable. I wanted to be in my own house, the kids wanted to go back, my husband wanted to go back yet I knew it wasn't right for us to go back yet.
I had this nagging feeling that I needed to be with my parents. Even when I wanted to go back so bad that gut feeling told me I was where I needed to be. I think without a shadow of a doubt I made the right decision by leaving and staying here as long as I have. That's not saying it's that would be best for you, but my point is that you should do what you feel is best for you and your kids. If you know you and your children are in an unfavorable situation then you should do what's best for them and yourself.
I still haven't gone back to my husband. I still have that nagging feeling that I am right where I belong. I have seen a lot of changes in my husband since I have left. I like most of the changes I've seen, but I'm still not sure that going back is the best route for my children and I right now. I still have a lot of hurt, pain, anxiety & resentments that I need to work on. I need to work on myself.
Good luck to you with whatever you decide. I know how hard the decision is and I know the anxieties and fears you face. The best advice I can give is do what you feel is best for you and the kids and try to concentrate on healing yourself right now. ((((HuGS))) to you...I'll be praying for you!
You're not an awful person. Sometimes when my "A" gets down on himself I hope at that point he will realize that he that he needs help, the bad thing about needing to hit a bottom, is that it is a bottom, and you have to go pretty low to get there.
I truly beleive that those of us who live with another's alcoholism are some of the most loving, compasionate, caring, and patient people you could ever hope to find. We have to be to make it through the days with our "A's". It is difficult, and sometimes we snap, we are only human, and we are doing the best you can with what you have.
As for your situation, only you know what's best for you. Pray and lean on your HP. Use your alanon tools, and you will figure out what is best for you.
Keep Coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
