The material presented
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It's been a while since I posted, and alot has gone on since. I left for vacation last Saturday knowing full well that my husband would get high while I was gone. I was anxiety ridden the entire week before I left, however, I went. I was going to console my best friend in Florida who is herself going through a divorce. At any rate, I called Sunday morning, and he didn't answer. I knew immediately he was high. I called his uncle made him come pick him up and suggested that he go to rehab. It was up to him, but he wasn't staying in my house like that. The house and everything is mine including the car insurance, and he was driving around that night drunk and looking for drugs which I am not about to lose my house over. I sent him packing and he actually checked himself in for about 18 hours before checking himself out. I mistakenly called every one of my inlaws crying from 1500 miles away (I live in NY) and got no sympathy from them as I knew and they basically blamed me as he has been so "unhappy" for the past 5 months. Well, yeah, he's been on a crash course to relapse for that amount of time and so I would think so! I told him he couldn't come back and now after about a week back in AA and out fo the house he is starting to push at me with his nastiness, guilt and anger. He wants back and I'm not having it. I went out and adopted a dog, and after not hearing from him for days he apparently came by the house to try and get some of belongings and couldn't because I locked the house up good and tight know he would try something like that and got angry when he saw the dog crate from the window and accused me of "moving on", never mind maybe calling to ASK if could get some things....well, yeah I am moving on. In between the I know I screwed up and I don't want to talk about it AGAIN speech, he was trying to manipulate me with, "I'm living out of a bag, I can't stay at my uncle's much longer" speech, which I wasn't falling for. Every day is hard for me....I never wanted to break up my family but Iam finally realizing that I am worth thinking about me. I'm alone and some days are harder than others. Sunday I didn't get out of bed all day and I cried. Today, I rescued a dog and she needs me right now. I need me right now. He says he'll call tonight. I don't even want to talk to him. I do but every conversation is the same. I told my parents (who knew nothing....that was fun!) and all my friends. Everyone is sooooo supportive. His reaction to my telling my parents was...."did you tell them you used drugs too"....yeah briefly like a stupid idiot five years ago! I just am amazed constatly at the A's ability to twist everything around. Thank you for letting me vent. It has been a hard week.
They have away of twisting words around to make them benefit them. I know, i live that everyday..
Be strong, It is hard.. I know ... I have left my husband only to return to promises, empty, i may say.. Needless to say i returned.. Each time i just keep asking for God to give me strength.
I am with you my friend. Go ahead vent.. I know i feel better just knowing that i am not alone.
(((Kim))) you are in my prayers also. Keep strong by working your Program and keeping coming back.
I remind myself often (and I'm glad you do too) I AM WORTH IT. Believe me, I know it is hard and I keep remembering the one quote from our books about diamonds are made under pressure.
As hard as it is for the A's recovery, ours is difficult too. If it (our life) is worth having it is worth the effort.
I can totally relate to not wanting to talk to your A. I'm in the same boat. Think it is just years of disappointments, frustration and couple that w/detachment and taking care of self makes me very self protective of me and my recovery.
You and I (and many others) have taken that bold first step and I totally understand and agree with keeping strong and selective of who we have in our lives to help support and continue our growth and recovery.
Thanks everyone for your words of support and encouragement. The new dog came home last night and I was occupied with her which made me feel great. She put a smile on my face this morning just when I was feeling really sad about waking up alone again. He said he would call last night. He didn't. I didn't want to talk to him but I was both sad and not surprised that he didn't call. Every call is the same like I said earlier. Him only thinking about himself. I don't want to hear it, I'm in enough pain and it is never recognized. My sickness is that I am waiting for that to change. I am expecting the impossible under these circumstances. I just need some strength. Yes, I do feel relieved that everyone knows. Somedays I just want to walk down the street and scream it....(I don't of course...but I dream of it with a little hitch kick)....a friend of mine has started giving me gold stars for every time I don't do something I normally would.....call him yelling, doing something to get back at him, calling my inlaws....it's silly...but it makes me accountable too.....I said that to my A when he called and was torturing me with "you have to change too" , I said yes, I do and I am working on it.....I am a work in progress and it is not to benefit you...it is to benefit me...I have not called you, I have not contacted you in any way, have I? That was the girl from three years ago who would have found any reason to get in touch with you, worreid that you were going to find someone else, get high, not love me. Now, I'm trying to love me first. My biggest fear is when I come face to face with him. I have not seen him since I left for Florida on 8/13. Seeing him leave is always very hard for me. I will eventually have to do this. Please pray for me that i have the strength.
Kim I am praying for you ((HUGS)) May you have the strength to do what's best for you.
The twisting of words never ceases to amaze me. My husband has it down to an exact art. He has twisted things around so much that I can't even get a good grasp on reality when I am talking to him. Sometimes he says something completely ludacrious and I believe him for a minute and then go oh my gosh, what in the world am I thinking!? Then he wonders why I ask him things over and over again in different forms of the same question, lol.
When he is twisting, lying, using he obviously isn't thinking about what's best for you. Take care of you when he is doing this. I am finally getting this concept. It's so hard to grasp and understand how someone who is supposed to care so much about you can do these things. That's why it's best to not concentrate or dwell on that. Focus on you and improving yourself. Sounds like you are doing this but it always helps to have someone reiterate that. You seem to be such a wonderful and caring person. Anyone who has a love for animals has a place in my heart! Share some of that love and compassion with yourself.
Yes, it helps to hear. ((((((HUGS))))))) TY so much all of you and my prayers go out to you all of you as well. My A called today. He's upset that I didn't leave the door open for him to get his belongings. I really don't want him in the house alone. Not that he has ever stolen anything, but b/c he has a tendency to STAY once on the inside. We spoke for a while when he called. He's having difficulty staying sober, he says...going to meetings, taking the suggestions but not really "feeling" it. He wants to be my friend. Funny idea of friendship. When have you ever been my friend I thought. But I listened and said, they're your choices. I won't take your guilt, manipulations and shame though. If you choose to call me you had better understand I will not consider being twisted around. Tonight I'm going home to my pound puppy and am having dinner with my stepmother. I'm trying totake care of me. The weekend will be hard. Please say a prayer.
arent dogs great????? i live alone, broke up with long term relationship (A wouldn't get into recovery and i was NOT doin it again) anyway, i rescue labrador retreivers and they are my "kids--family" i am here in the mid section of the country and my family all live EAST or WEST NOT in the center.....so maybe hp drug me here to MAKE me get into recovery....well i had my b.f. so recovery didn't begin ANY type of it till 2002 for 6 months....not again until jan 04...and i am staying...
kim i know exactly how you feel, at first you feel so alone/ confused/ and angry cause they ("A's" ) can twist stuff around and they are good at making you feel guilty for taking care of you....i think you showed great courage to stand up for you....keep working the program, i have a GR8 sponser i cannot do without, journalling the literature, i work the works and its a miracle.....hang in there and keep talking ok???? peace and prayers. rosie
you'r eright, dogs are great. I rescued a chihuahua....she's sitting with me right now as I write this. It has made me feel so good to get her. My A and I had a cocker spaniel for the past 5 years that was his, she was 10 and we had to put her down. It was the saddest thing, and he took it really bad....I was looking for another dog and every time I would say one I wanted he would say..I don't want that...we're going to have to get two dogs, then...as if to make me concede...well, I got my Princess. I am doing this right now without meetings....I have been in the past but not now, i have been using online support. I know I need to go I just can't get myself there. I keep talking to lots of people who listen..and I work in the human service field and deal with addicts in my programs on a daily basis. I have been treating my A like I treat my clients. I love him, but getting him out there on his own, making him responsible and living life for me is the best thing I can do right now. Pray for me that I can get to a meeting though. I need it.
