The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When i first met my husband 8 years ago I thought "wow he's a really fun guy". We partied together and had a really fun time. 2 years later we moved into a house together and within 6 months we were married. I got pregnant right away and that was when my eyes were opened. That was when i realized - he can't stop drinking.
I questioned myself for years as to whether i was over reacting about his drinking. Of course he made me feel like i was. Here's his deal: he only drinks beer, but has 6-12 beers a day during the week and possibly more on the weekends. He is in the construction business so he is around beer drinking all the time. Some people he works with even start drinking on the job (i know - scary huh) around noon or before. He swears he doesn't do that but might pop open a beer around 3 or 4 in the afternoon. Keep in mind he doesn't get home then until around 8 or 9 at night. We have a 3 yr old daughter. So basically he is neglicting his family. He may or may not be out there working until 8 or 9. i cannot believe anything he says anymore. We have had fights and arguments for the past 5 years about his drinking. Each time he swears he'll do better and try to "get it under control". We always end up in the same place.
I have threatened over and over again to leave him because i do not want our daughter to grow up watching this. My love for him at this point is pretty much gone. I mean, I love him, but i am not IN love with him anymore. We never do anything as a family. I feel i am constantly tracking him down and making him come home at night.
Now i have a plan in place to leave him, sell the house, get debt paid off and move on. but of course he's on his best behavior at this point and i'm wavering back and forth on what to do.
So glad i found this site. Looking for some guidance. I plan on going to my local alanon meeting this friday night also.
Welcome to MIP I am glad that you found this board as well. I think that it is great that you will be going to a meeting on Friday. Trying to find a meeting that I was comfortable with took some time and right before I was ready to give up I found the meeting that I now call my home group. They say to give it 6 months before you make any life changing decisions and I truely believe this as once I started to work my program my thinking changed as well as my behavior and things in my situation are livable not hopeless any more. This did not come easily and my questions were not answered the way I thought they would be and it turns out that I answered many of my questions myself.
One thing that helpped me in the begingin was the 3C's
We didn't cause it. We can't control it. We can't cure it.
I also think that it is great that you have a plan to leave and as for the way you are feeling right now and questioning your plan due to hubbys behavior being good right now just remember that the people on this board are very supportive of any thing that you may decuide. In thoes times when ever I have been unsure just the support helps me.
When the time comes You will know what is right for you.
Take care of you and your little one and do something special for your self. You will learn through alanon that you are #1 and that taking care of you is the most important as well as you little one.
Welcome !! I am new to this board too, I have only been here for about 3 weeks. In fact it was at a time that I left my husband. I have been married for almost 19 years and he has been an alcoholic the entire time. I use to think I could love him thru it. Well, it doesnt happen that way.. I am new to al anon however, not new to this CRAZY disease. It affects everyone.. The kids..
My kids are teenagers now and they know EVERYTHING.. I use to hid the fact that their dad had a drinking problem.. Now I tell them the truth.. It only gets harder as the kids get older.. Explaining to them why their Dad is always drunk..
Keep coming to the board.. I have really learned a lot in a very short time.
Your story could have been my own. Those construction workers can drink some beer.
My husband is a union carpenter and I never knew that he drank on the job. He was drinking everyday at lunch for years and probably had a few beers in the car on the way home--if he didn't stop at the bar after work. Most days he made it home and I didn't even know he was drinking--but some days he ended up binging all night and never came home.
We fought about his drinking--he tried to cut back--always resumed. He finally came to the realization that he could not drink anymore. After his first rehab he spiraled to drinking 24/7 and doing drugs and spending ridiculous sums of money and stopped being a husband and father--abandoned us completely for his addictions.
This behavior was a shock to everyone, including himself. He didn't work for 5 months!
Here's the redeeming part---he went back to rehab, started IOP, and AA--and he went back to work today. He has not used for 15days now. It's just a start, I know, but better than before.
There is hope for your husband. But it has to be for himself--only he will know when the time is right. In the mean time--you need to stick with alanon and take excellent care of yourself.
These last 5 months have been very difficult for me. But the acceptance that I could not control the situation anymore was a lifesaver to me. I did what I could to help myself and my babies. And I stopped worrying about him.
Welcome and I am so glad you found this awesome board. When I first came to Alanon, I sounded just like you. I was devastated, overwhelmed, scared and desparate to find a better way to live. I have two children, and have been married for 9 years. Have been through many tragic times and thought my life was not worth living. Know that you are not alone. If you have time to read some of the earlier posts you will see that there are SO MANY of us trying to find serenity. And I believe that if you attend that meeting you are on the way to helping yourself and your daughter. You will find many supportive people, literature to read, and helpful tools to get you through this tough time.
I have learned so much by coming here and reading many books and Alanon literature and my cloud has lifted in a short time. Everyone here is so nice!!! And there is a chat room you can go to 24/7. Good luck tired!!
