Hope for Today - August 24

     Holding on to anger, resentment, and a "poor me"
attitude is not an option for me today.  Growing up
with two alcoholic parents created many painful
memories.  However, until I was able to let go of my
past by forgiving my parents, I was unable to enjoy
the present.
    

3######ROSIE....ok, i have been in recovery  18 months going on 19 and up until now i almost ALWAYS focused on the  perp on  my "hope for today"   or  "language of letting go"  and also the "courage to change" entries.....i talked about  the "freak"  almost as much as i did me...i felt like i was juxtaposed with this manure  and you know what?????  as i listen to my casette tapes of love for me in MY OWN voice...made by ME....loving statements that are teh TRUTH about me,  the REAL  description of me....i see that i DEFEATED him!!!  i BEAT him!!!!  i am the sucess here.....i WON!!!! ..he is OUT of my life...i am replacing  the  hate/resentment for "it"  with  love/acceptance of  ME...... so guess what??? i don't have to think about  the REAL loser in this equation,  i can NOW think of the winner!!!   ME!!!!!  .....however i had a mother too, and she was an alcoholic....up to now i never talked about her because i was SOO "in to my hate/cursing of the perp"    he took center stage......well THAT is over now!!!!  so this entry is about the OTHER parent i had!!!! my mother who had the GOD awful misfortune of marrying what she did AND as a result of that fatal choice,  she ended up drinking herself to death, i am SURE,  because she couldn't forgive her self for enabling him to hurt me so badly....she couldn't look at her self .....so this "hope for today"  message will be about  HER....and reading the top paragraph is so true....until i was able to SEE what really happened with her,  i was in bondage!!!!  i was a slave to my hate...this program showed me what alcoholism really is...it is ,  yes, a choice,  but these people are really addicted to it...just like ANY adiction,  it gets its claws into you and you can't get free on your own power....but with the help of this program and the HP,  i know my mother could have because where do you think i got my  "fighting spirit???"    my guts??? my character????   it HAD to have come from her...and look at what happend to her????   i think drinking herself to death is payment ENOUGH for what she did....not to mention the karma she had to work out after she left --- i somewhere a few months ago....the "impossible" happend!!!!  i was ABLE  to forgive her...i was ABLE to  "let her go"... i was ABLE to  stop hating/resenting her too.....AND i can even muster up some pity for her......with the "predator"  i AM/ CAN/ DID   take my hands off  and allow god's hands on....END of story about him.....but her???  i know she did not grow up, dreaming that she would become a hopless alcoholic married to pure evil  and end up dying from her disease and from her shame/guilt....i can be CERTAIN that she had hopes/dreams like any other young and beautiful girl....she was naive/ innocent/ WAY to trusting  and she was no match for what she would marry at the age of 24....

 Among Al-Anon's many healing tools, I found
learning about alcoholism as a disease and how it
affects families to be particularly helpful.  It
enabled me to see my parents in a different light.

#####ROSIE...yep,  she had a disease.......it is true, she had a choice...drink or don't drink....get into  AA or not get into AA...but who knows what was going on in  HER head,  i can only look into MY head,  and work on ME.....i am sure the woman hated herself for this "state of mind"  she was in ...i remember her going to AA  a couple of times,  and perhaps it would have worked, who knows,  if she had had someone other than the perp who used to FORCE her to drink with him so she would be more "compliant"  when he wanted to be the deviant he was.....i guess she  "numbed out"  with it like i used to get  "high"  on my  beer and tranquilizers.....the alcohol was HER escape...it was HER  respite from her life.....she , i KNOW,  used it to  be able to  stand her own life.....perhaps that is why she DIDN"T want to be able to , through program , get sober and stay sober....she did NOT want to be free from her  "escaping tool"   and for that,  i can feel SOME pity for the lady

Today I know they were *unwilling* victims of the
disease of alcoholism.  I have no doubt that had
they been given a choice, neither of my parents
would have picked up that first drink and continued
on such destructive paths. 

#######ROSIE....for her, she was innocent  NON drinking  american indian girl, who married a degenerate.....he forced her to drink with him, and yes, she was an unwilling victim  first to him and second to the alcohol....at some point in her life she "gave up"  and decided that it was a good tool  to "numb out"  the horrendous pain she must have felt....what she did to me/ my siblings was reprehensible--- INexcusable-- but on the same breath i can say in a way--- "she couldn't save herself,  how in the hell was she going to save me???"   my youngest brother was born with fetal alcohol syndrome...he is a bit "slow" in the head....more messed up than "hogan's  goat"  the poor guy has NO chance of living a normal/healthy life...he is more addicted to so many things, it is un real......alcohol/ drugs/sex/obsessive-compulsive/  i mean i thought  I was messed up.......did my mother want to do this to her own baby?????  i am CERTAIN she did not....but she was already "gone"  by then...the body remained, but the  mind/spirit were somewhere ELSE......there are times i talk with my brother and i get angry with her for drinking so bad when he was gestating in her womb,  but than i think....if i were in her shoes??? what would i have done???? he kept forcing her to have more and more children....some of them died...i remember one particular  4 year old who was so neglected and in her fragile health she died!!!!!  there are 5 of us alive...i know the names of 3 dead ones...the rest i don't know,  don't want to know....its over...its not my inventory...but i know, i know my mother  IF she could  "do it again"  would have  RUN for her life when she saw that "freak" walking towards her......

I saw them try to fight
the disease in countless ways as I grew up -- making
promises, going through rehabilitation, etc. -- but
the disease won.  My parents suffered, and my
siblings and I shared the outcomes of their suffer-
ing as a result.  In the battle with alcoholism, no one
wins, not even those who seem to be "perpetrators."
    

3######ROSIE..i saw her sit with her bottle and cry...she would reach out to me,  arms open, and want to hold me and when i wasn't TOO pee o'd  at her i would allow her to embrace me and i swear,  her whole body would just shake from the sobbing...she was in hell on earth i know.....i remember when she bought her bicycle and wanted me to ride with her so she got ME a bike too....i thought maybe our "bike strolls" would make her want to live....she had quit horseback riding with me, but the bikes..she LOVED....it was too little too late....she was a gonner.....yep,  she suffered and it spilled over BIG time on us kids......i also remember my cherokee grandaddy comming up to see us to  "shoot him deader than a snake"   i remember he standing between  "it"  and grandaddy with his gun  BEGGING for his life...he was her destroyer, along with her booze, and here she is begging for his life....THAT is how messed up she was.....she could NOT break free of the booze  OR  him.....and we kids  paid the price for it....

Today I know in my heart that my parents were
the best mother and father they could be,
considering what they went through.  As I imagine
what they must have endured, I have gained
empathy for their struggle. 

######ROSIE.... well he doesn't even QUALIFY for any of this....but i know that she WISHED...probably prayed to be better..  to help us better,  but she was toast!!!!  by the time i was born, she was already pretty bad,  and years later she would get worse, and die!!!!!   i don't give a DAMNED about him and his life.....he CHOSE evil.....poor mom was a destroyed victim sick down to her very soul,  i guess the diference between them was this...........SHE felt bad when she did bad----------HE was pleased with his evil doings..........SHE had a conscience.....HE did not........SHE still had the holy spirit (remourse/shame)..........HE did not have the holy spirit..........SHE cried over her causing others pain.............HE smiled that smug/wicked ALL too familiar smile of his..............i can feel LOTS of empathy for her demise......i feel NOTHING for him......my job is to SHUN evil,  not try to understand/anaylize/empathise with  it......i dont WANT to understand that kind of degenerate mind......but with HER????  yes, i do feel pity for her.......i   beat him, she did not........i got into recovery,  she died.........i found myself, she lost herself..............i am breaking free, she was in bondage until her death............i will go out stronger/better/MORE loving in the end, she left in pieces/broken/despaired.............

 I have envisioned
walking a mile in my parents' shoes, and I now have
nothing but compassion for both of them.  I am
grateful to Al-Anon for helping me fully forgive my
parents, and for helping me accept and enjoy them
for who they are.

######ROSIE.....many times i would ask  "if she HADNT had left grandaddy's house"    the "if only's"   bugged me/ constant questions,  if ONLY she had left him for GOOD!!!!    she was his victim/ caught in his trap/  like a beautiful butterfly  who gets trapped in a spider's web...i KNOW she pulled at the tendrills of his web and tried to get out...but he was stronger, she was no match...and she was CAUGHT...and when she bore us,  WE were also trapped in his web...i am the ONLY one in recovery...the others carry their scars,  some by hiding,   most by drinking / drugs et al...the "numbing" continues in this generation....the buck is STOPPING with me........IF she were alive, i would be honest with her...i would tell her  WHAT she did...HOW it impacted me....and because the ENORMOUS  loss of my life ensued,  she COULDNT pay me back,  only god has the power to give to me what was taken,  but it would be good to be able to face her and say  "'THIS is what you did---- THIS is how it impacted me---just do ONE thing---- CARE about what you did---FEEL remourse---- APOLIGIZE"   that is what i would say to her......and than i would say   "i release you-- i give you over to your god"     WOULD i want her in my life?????   it would depend on  HOW she felt about my loss--- what she did about it to show me she CARED.......but i will never know because she is on the other side, i can only PRAY  that she  "learns/ accepts/ makes amends"   somehow for the pain she left behind.......somehow i get the feeling that she DOES  pray for us....every DAY she prays for us kids to get better and to get well and to ONE day forgive her.....i am getting better...i am reclaiming my life....i CAN forgive her

Thought for the Day
     Remembering that alcoholism is a disease helps me
see the person struggling beneath the burden of illness.

     #######ROSIE.....i still see it as a CHOICE....hell ALL addictions are a CHOICE...but because we are SO human   SO  frail at times  and our feet are made of clay,  our own willpower is NOT going to "cut it"    those of us who are  WILLING to turn ourselves over to the help and strenght and wisdom and care of our  higher power  are the ones who suceed  the ones who overcome and at least DISTANCE ourselves from or MANAGE our  "shortcommings".....i am in this program for LIFE....MY life