The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
1. Neglecting self, including poor hygiene, not getting haircuts, not going to the doctor or dentist, etc..
2. Don't like or love themselves.
3. Control freaks (picks out your clothes and makeup, orders for you in a restaurant, tells you who your friends should be.)
4. Deceit, cheating, stealing, lying.
5. Broken promises.
6. Drug or alcohol addict who has been clean less than 2.5 years.
7. Has ANY addiction: drinking, gambling, porno, cleaning, sex, drugs , or food.
8. Hasn't grown up; is still tied to mommy or daddy.
9. Sexual dysfunction.
10. Emotionally unavailable.
11. Hasn't recovered from last relationship.
12. Emotional damage from childhood that they haven't worked on.
13. Bad finances.
14. Moody
15. Outbursts of anger or rage (such as road rage, throwing things becuz at dinner the peas are shriveled)
16. Failing to pay child support.
17. Hating their mother and/or father. (I would qualify, unless there was a good reason for doing so. )
18. Uses shame, blame, guilt , judgement and punishment.
19. Doesn't take their medications if they need them.
20. Plays the victim or the martyr.
21. Is irresponsible in ANY areas of their life: finances, obligations, employment, promises
22. Is nit-picky and overly critical, either of you or other people..
23. Blames everyone else for every problem he has ("I keep losing my job becuz the bosses just don't like me" " This relationship isn't working becuz you.......)
24. Has numbing behaviors.
**************NOW the good below
Good Qualities in a Mate
Instead of repeating old patterns, what should you look for in a mate? Here's a list of suggestions:
1. Commitment to personal growth.
2. Maturity.
3. Responsible
4. Likes themselves.
5. Knows how to have fun.
6. Treats you with respect.
7. Positive attitude toward life.
8. Financially responsible.
9. Spiritual.
10. Has his own hobbies.
11. Has his own friends.
12. Ability to love.
13. Honesty
14. Affection
15. Gives you attention.
16. Listens to you.
17. Supports you.
18. Encourages you.
19. Allows you to make your own choices and learn from your mistakes.
HI Rosie , thats a great list alright ! When I presented a similar list of have to 's to stay in my marriage , my sponsor looked me straight in the eyes and ask if I was prepared to give what I was asking for . ???? turns out i wasn't so had lots to work on . good luck Louise
i know. i was looking at it too when i first got into recovery for ME if a guy was "lookin at me" and i thought....booy its good i am by myself for a while....now i don't think i would do badly at all, but hp knows best...IF there is someone for me, i want it to be REAL and hopefully for LIFE.......that is in the hands of the universe......thanks for your openess.....peace/ rosie
Does anyone know ANYONE who does not have any of the qualities in the fatal flaw list?
I lived with my Dad for 18 years and thought he was the greatest Dad in the world, and he has about two of the flaws (emotional damage from childhood they have not worked on, uses shame, blame, guilt, punishment and not the normal parent child punishment).
I would really really like to know if anyone knows one single man who does not have ANY of the flaws in the "fatal flaw" list.
I have learned in life to accept that people are always going to have lots and lots of flaws, all I have to do is determine whether or not I can live with those specific flaws...most of this in the list I could not, but there were a few that I could live with...and do.
all I have to do is determine whether or not I can live with those specific flaws..
That is a very profound statement...and one that I agree with. I also think it is important to realize that we can change our minds about living w/certain flaws. For me that means that if a certain flaw is effecting my recovery or effecting me and my kids in a detrimental way-that it is okay to change our mind.
I was raised in a home where you word was never to be changed. You made a choice you lived with it for the rest of your life. I battle that thinking everyday. I chose to marry a recovering alcoholic well aware of the risks involved. I chose to stay with him when he relapsed. I chose to stay in this marriage for four years of drinking. The old Christy would believe that being I made that vow and commitment that I would have to stay with him no matter what. The healthy Christy who has worked the Program for years knows that taking care of myself is what is important.
i think too, that if one is in RECOVERY for at LEAST 2 years, i could "re consider" one of the flaws.....adultry/ abuse/ addictions wold be a deal breaker for me......its each individual and what our particular emotional/physical needs are......i thought the list was a good "check point" for us who "settle" way to often to less than what we deserve.....peace rosie
