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As I've been reading my realtionship books I have been thinking about what role trust plays in this whole deal. One of the books I've been reading is called "His Needs, Her Needs" and is about how men and women each have a set of basic needs that has to be met by their partner in order to have a satisfying, fulfilling romantic relationship. One of woman's basic relationship needs is for her partner to be honest and open and to have a sense of security in the relationship. It says how you should be honest and open about every aspect of your life including, past, present & future happenings.
This seems to strongly contradict what I have to go through every day dealing with my A. I am completely on the other side of the spectrum when it comes to honesty and openness. I have learned to believe nothing my A tells me and I have absolutely no sense of security with him. If the theory from this book is that all 5 basic needs must be met for each the man and woman in the relationship to have a fulfilling marriage, does this mean that I will never be fulfilled or never have a satisfying relationship with my A? Is the need for honesty/openness/trust/security expected to go unmet for as long as you are in a relationship with an A? What happens when that need goes unmet for so long?
I've pretty much been told to have no expectations out of my A and that I am supposed to concentrate on myself and better myself. I realize without a doubt that I need to do that. I have been working feverently to better myself...emotionally, intelectually, spiritually. I feel better each and every day about myself. Yet I still have this confusion of what should happen in the area of "trust" with my A. I still feel a deep need to be able to trust my partner & feel a sense of predictability from him and feel safe and secure in our relationship. He is not able to fulfill this need of mine. Do I live the rest of my life without having one of my basic needs met? If by chance my A is able to sober up for an extended period of time, I still know there is a chance of relapse therefore there is not a sense of security or predicability in our relationship. I am really struggling with never having the trust need fulfilled again if I do decide to go back.
As I learn more about Alcoholism and romantic relationships it seems that the 2 just don't mix. It's either sacrifice your need for trust and learn to deal otherwise with it in your relationship or end the relationship and have your needs met elsewhere. I am really struggling b/c I feel those are my only 2 options right now. I have a tendancy to just see things in black and white so please help me see things in another light or please lmk if you have any words of wisdom. Thanks so much!
Remember that books are only ONE person's opinion...
There are many books out there, written by single or divorced people or ones with troubled marriages who can't help their own marriage, trying to help other people's...hmmmm
Those two very famous relationship phsycologists, Barbara (I forgot her last name, but she has long black hair and used to have an infomercial) something and Gary something (men are from mars and women are from venus fame) used to be married to EACH OTHER and these two so called "marriage specialists" could not keep their own marriage together and divorced...go figure.
Psychological "self help" books are a billion dollar industry, just like "lose weight" books. Everyone has their own pet theory, whether or not it is right or works these books will sell to the unhappy or miserable.
Many marriage books set up people to expect their mate to be just about perfect, impossible.
There are of course some good ones, that are practical and make sense and allow that people are imperfect, but it is hard to weed these out from the "flash in the pan" books.
Many cause more harm than good, they set people up for unrealistic expectations, kind of like teenagers reading romance novels and thinking that is what relationships with the opposite sex are really about...SIGH!
I just try to accept my mate as he is, and then decide if I want to live with it or not. Trying to get people to change is often a painful waste of time.
I see him realistically and then decide how many of my needs he is meeting, without someone else's criteria.
For instance, my husband works numerous jobs, despite his severe alcoholism, so that I only have to work part time so I have time to care for my daughter and mother, who both have health problems and require frequent and numerous visits tot he Cleveland Clinic which is an hour away. I feel like I am always taking one of the other to the doctor or doing somethign for one of them. If he left and I had to quit the part time job I LOVE and take a full time job I may not like...besides what this would do to my health to be under even more stress...so he meets my needs in that VERY IMPORTANT area.
Of course I have emotinal needs as well...which he does NOT meet...but you can't have everything I have learned.
Sometimes my husband even surprises me. Two weeks ago when I had a bad asthma attack he was actually very nice about it, very supportive. He took me to the hospital and sat with me in the parking lot reassuring me the whole time, talking me through it. I hate hospitals and only go in when I can't recover on my own, I sit in the parking lot for a few minutes to see if I can work my way through it first. He told me whatever I needed he would do. If I wanted to go in, he would drive me to the door and help me in, if I wanted to sit and wait it out, he would sit with me (which he did). Then when I started to feel better, he took me home and made sure nothing disturbed me while I rested, kept the TV low, talked in a whisper to daughter, told my daughter and Mom to keep quite, etc.
This is the same man who years ago refused to buy me prescibed meds when I was not working due to my asthma, telling me I was "just fat" and needed to stop eating...SIGH (my Mom bought the meds for me until I could go back to work).
How do you FEEL about your husband despite the mistrust caused by his addiction? Is he a good and loving father? Many books don't mention this, but I know many women who love their husband for being a good and devoted Dad, I know my Mom did, and I do too. For the most part husband is good to daughter. She has suffered with illnesses all of her life and husband makes sure she gets the BEST care available. He drives far to a job he hates that has good medical insurance so we can take her to the Cleveland Clinic, but it still only covers 80% so the copays are crushing. Still, he works and works and works (he works three jobs) to pay them without complaint...ever...and this is his adopted daugther (my biological daughter).
When she needed wisdom teeth surgery, he told me to go to many consultations with doctors until we found a really great one that we really liked and felt comfortable with, he paid for all of these. Ironically, we found the only one who could do it thanks to him. My daughter's medical condition causes her to have teeny tiny weak veins that easily collapse. Usually only a medical doctor, using local anethesia, can get an IV into her. It turns out that the oral surgeon we found used to go to medcial school for MD training and he had been a "specialist" in inserting IV's. He said that it made him sweat and in ten years of work she was his toughest insert, but he DID it!!! Had he not been able to, he said she would have had to be admitted to the hospital for general anesthesia and he would have to do it there. He was VERY VERY skilled and got out four impacted wisdom teeth in only 40 minutes. Daughter could not go one more day with the crushing headaches caused by all of those impacted wisdom teeth, she has a very small jaw.
Same thing when she needed braces, he told us to find the BEST not cheapest. He paid for a lot of office visits and paid over $2,000.00 extra co-pay to find a really good doctor. The peace of mind that I have had, knowing my daugther is getting excellent medical care means a LOT.
So, even though my husband would not meet any criteria of any book about emotional needs, he is too sick right now, he gives what he can in ways he can. This is important also.
My feeling is that a lot of these relationship books are not really very helpful to those of us who love alcoholics. It's almost like their "low bar" is set higher than our 'high bar"! One of the things that alanon can help you to do is to get to know yourself well enough to know what YOU need in a relationship. It will also help you look squarely enough at your A to see if you can realistically get it from him. Alanon cannot promise to save your marriage. It can only help you save yourself. Some of us have learned, after some time in this program, that we don't ever want to live this way anymore, and we get the strength to leave, and to change ourselves enough so that we don't drift into another unhealthy relationship. Some of us learn that we CAN live happily with our A, as long as we stop denying and forcing solutions. Only you know where you are on this spectrum, and you won't know it right away.
It may be that your need for trust is something that you decide that you owe to yourself, and you will not settle for a relationship that doesn't give it to you. Or, you may find, after working on yourself for a while, that your need for trust is unrealistic, due to some issues of your own, maybe from your childhood, and that once you have gotten past them, the amount of trust you have with your A is enough. I certainly don't know which it is, or if the truth of your situation is somewhere in the middle of those, or something else I haven't even thought of. YOU probably don't even really know yet. So, you can't expect someone who writes a wide circulation book to know. Myself, I use the bits of these books that seem to me to be helpful, and forget the rest. (Sort of like this board!)
My message may be scattered as I feel my brain has been lately in dealing with my A. I can relate to your struggle with the lack of trust. My marriage has no trust in it. I focused on this for so long it drove me nuts. I had unrealistic expections of my husband. I agree with what the others are saying about the self help books. Take what you need, leave the rest. I definitely agree that most of those relationship books are a whole other ball game and we need alanon and other resources to turn to. The trust I was focused on was that he lied about his drinking, he doesn't tell what he's been doing, he spends money and has no idea where it went, etc. I didnt' have security or open communication with him. These are things I value in a relationship also. I later learned that the demon inside of him was preventing this trust and he was lying to me not to hurt me intentionally but to actually protect me. The guilt he would feel for what he was doing would drive him away from me. He felt like such a low life that he could not bear to hurt me or his family, so he isolated, he drank alone, and would try to hide everything.
I finally realized I had to find my own security and not rely on other people for my happiness. Once I was able to separate the disease from the person, alot of things fell in place and I let go of alot of the negative feelings I had towards trust. I now feel, I know my husband isn't cheating on me, stealing money or doing things to intentionally hurt others.He's not a bad person and I am focussing on the good things about him. He cares for me like no other, loyal tohis family and has a huge heart. So I'm able to accept things a little better and I'm currently in the process of deciding what I'm willing to put up with and what I need from a relationship. I'm finding, don't force solutions and through alanon, take it one day at a time. Make today a good day for yourself and tomorrow, the answer may or may not be there, but it will come. Really do an honest inventory of yourself, don't take all the information from the books and think that is what you need. We are all different and what I need out of a relationship and what you need out of a relationship at this very point in our lives can be very different and basing it on a criteria from a book, chances are somone isn't going to fit into it and still be very happy.
The truth is exactly what you indicated--- you stay and deal with your needs going unmet or you leave. Those are the only options. Once you determine what needs you long to have met and are comfortable with understanding that you definitely deserve these needs to be met, just as you A deserves whatever He/She feels their needs are... you can make that choice. I wouldn't jump into anything, but rather take the time to really figure out what it is you need or long for and then decide if you are willing to wait in a relationship for those needs to be met, when they very well might never be met. There are several questions you need to reflect on and the most important is to ask if your life were to stay exactly like it is and has been, would you be happy throughout it? We only HAVE one life and should do all that we need to feel peace, be happy, and build our relationship with ONLY God first. Once this is accomplished, everything else will fall into place.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself about what you think you should do, but rather decide what it is YOU NEED for your peace and comfort, as well as for your children.
Take Care and may God bless you always and hold you in the palm of His hand.
Hey everyone! I really appreciate you all sharing with me. I get what you all are saying as to not "read into" the relationship books and live by their every word. I guess it really does all come down to what you can live with and deal with and what your needs are. The particular book I was reading focused on the 5 basic needs of most men and women. The author made it clear that not everyone's needs will be the same and that the 5 that he specified weren't necessarily the same for every man and woman. It makes sense to think that maybe that isn't one of your basic needs if you are able to work through a relationship without it.
I really enjoyed the book and thought it made sense...even some common sense on things I usually don't think a lot about. I guess the problem is that trust is one of my basic needs. I think it might be my most important need and that could potentially be a huge issue for me. I need to think about whether I can go a lifetime without the possibility of trusting my partner and feeling that security and stability. If I can find within myself the trust that I feel I need from my partner.
Thanks everyone for helping me reflect and see the reality of things. (((HUGS))
