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Wow, it's been a while since I posted. Some of you may remember my loooong post from a couple of months ago concerning leaving my husband who drank and smoked marijuana excessively. Well, I did it. I left with the boys and I've been gone now for almost 2 months. We have been through hell and back but luckily I have a great support system and my parents have generously opened their house to me and my boys.
My A and I have been really struggling these last few weeks. We are about 400 miles apart and he desperately misses our boys. That's probably been the toughest part of it all..."keeping him from the boys". The only thing that kept me sane at first was reading the serenity prayer OVER and over and even texting it to him. I took all of the advice I got here to heart and really did some soul searching. I can't imagine where we would be right now if it weren't for the advice I got here. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
We have gone round and round...fighting about it all. There were times when I lost focus and let the disease take over again. I thought I would literally DIE from the anxiety I was suffering. Not knowing where he was, what he was doing. Thinking of all the possibilities and obsessing over them almost drove me over the edge. Being so far apart made it that much worse(or better) b/c I couldn't be there to see where he was and if he was telling me the truth.
He decided that he wanted us all to be together as a family again and he was willing to do what it took to get us back with him. I told him if he got help that I would move back. I also decided to seek help b/c I thought I was losing my mind dealing with all of the anxieties of being so far away from him. I went to my first meeting and felt such a sense of relief and peace. After about 5 days I started feeling crappy again and getting back to those old habits of obsessing so I told my mom I HAD to get to another meeting. Those meetings were what helped me keep my sanity for those long days of taking care of the boys and obsessing over my A. I also went to a therapist and he recommended that I not go home until my A had shown huge signs of improvement. He said that A's are typically selfish and that he was doing what it took to get me to come home and he was just thinking about his own happiness and not what's best for the boys and me. Ofcourse I did NOT want to hear this. I so badly wanted to be with my A and wanted the boys to be with their father but when I really thought about it I knew it was best to wait. My Aunt who is a family counselor also told me that if I waited the benefit could be a huge pay off.
So here I am...still waiting. He's been clean for 3 weeks now. The change in him is phenomenal. I am talking to my husband again. For the first time in years I have made contact with someone I thought was long gone. His speech is amazing, converstion is wonderful and our relationship improves daily. I am still suffering from anxiety when I think about him drinking again. I guess that's one thing that will never go away completely..((or will it??)) I am praying it will if I keep working the steps but heaven help me I am still on step one! I have such a long way to go but the people I have met in my meeting(one lady imparticular) have been so helpful and amazing. It's like they always know the right things to say. I plan on going back this week and it's the highlight of my week. I look forward to it so much!
While we are waiting(still not sure exactly what I'm waiting on) we have both made a committment to better ourselves as much as possible. I've been going to al-anon and he's been to AA. He's been reading some books that his father recommended and getting some wonderful, positive advice from those. I've had my head buried in any al-anon info I can find and also have been reading some great relationship books my parents recommended. So here we are waiting, improving ourselves & our relationship yet I still am not completely sure if I am ready to go home. Do you know when you are ready to make the step? Is it just a feeling you get like the one you got when you made the decision to leave? I am obviously horrible at making decisions, especially huge life altering ones, and I am just so unsure about this one. I want to make sure both of us have all of the resources and tools and set ourselves up for success. I know of all of the possibilities with him drinking again, lying etc. My Al-anon friend gave me some great advice and told me to do what I think I can handle or deal with. If I don't think I can go in and deal with him relapsing then don't go. She also told me not to have expectations out of him...wow, that's tough.
Something else I've been pondering...is it normal at first for the A to say that they aren't as bad off as the others in AA? He seems to think that the others there are "really bad" and he's not that bad yet. It just seems to me like you have the disease or you don't. You can control your drinking or you can't. I know that he can't control his drinking or drug usage so I know that's where he belongs. I am just wondering if he will ever figure that out on his own. He thinks that he can completely do this on his own and he isn't really sure if he needs AA. I would love to think that maybe he's right and that he will be perfectly fine on his own and that he'll never give in and drink again. I am praying that this isn't a sign of what's to come and that the problem is he hasn't gotten bad enough yet to know that he needs the program.
Ahhh...sorry folks I keep thinking of more! Is it normal for me to feel a huge sense of relief when I cut my A off completely? There were a couple of times in the last month or so that I told him that I just couldn't handle talking to him anymore and that my anxiety was through the roof. I questioned every little thing he told me, assumed everything out of his mouth was a lie and stressed over it all. I just couldn't do it anymore. So I told him that I needed some time and I ended up not talking to him for a couple of days. It was such a sense of relief not talking to him. You would think I would be tormented over the "what ifs" but somehow he almost completely left my mind. I thought my gosh would life really be this easy if I let him be, continued on and left him behind? Then I quickly remembered our children and came to the realization that there's no getting rid of him for good. Is it normal to be able to distance myself from him so much that I am so completely happy and self fulfilled without him? I felt a little guilty but it also left me wondering am I really doing the right thing by getting back with him.
Ok, guess that's enough for now...sorry to be so long winded again! ***blushing***
If you have any advice, I am all ears! Thanks for reading if you got this far!
I think the advice you got from your aunt was good - don't go back until you are sure you can handle anything that may happen, and relapse is for sure one of those things. Of course you feel relieved when you don't have to talk to him - all that stress is gone, you can just be yourself.
This is a time to not think so much about him, but about yourself and the kids. Spend as much time with him as makes you feel happy, rather than as much as he wants. It is indeed nice to see your husband abck, I remember that feeling when he first sobered up, but unless he is really working at getting better, it may not last. Sobriety is hard for them, and they don't always like having to face real life, head on. When you are worried about what this separation is doing to your kids, remember that it will also not be good for them to go back, have him relapse, leave again, then he sobers up for a while, you go back again, he relapses,..... Don't go back until you are sure it is what you really want.
Thanks Lin0606. It really helps to hear someone else's perspective on the whole thing. I think I am struggling so much b/c I really don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to the hell we lived through. I don't want to be faced with the same dilemmas again and go through the pain so soon. I hated where we lived, that I had no family and very few friends there. I hated being alone, depressed, paranoid and vulnerable. I don't want to slip back into the same pattern. I have a great support system here and they help me stay in check. Out there, 400 miles away I don't have that. I know if I went back I would find a meeting in my area and go back to church. I know I could find support if I truly wanted to look for it. I guess I'm just scared that I won't seek the help I need if I do end up in a bad situation. I tend to withdraw and shut down emotions when I am hurt rather than share and get help. I am doing well here b/c I work on myself. I guess I just don't want to lose that and I feel I am risking it if I go back. Ofcourse my A insists we come home. Both boys start school at the beginning of September and that just puts even more pressure on me. Thank goodness my Al-anon meeting is tomorrow. Wierd how it creeps up on me like that. I start having a bad day and immediately think...when was my last meeting? Usually it's been about 4 or 5 days and it clicks.... I know where I need to be!
I really agree with Lin in that going back to someone who has relapse potential is not good for the children either.
I know from experience that going back and forth is detrimental to the kids because of the instability. My oldest daughter has gone to four different schools and I decided that before I leave my husband again I will not do it until I know she will not have to move to a new house or go to a new school. My husband begged and pleaded with me and jumped through all the recovery hoops to get me to come home. Only to relapse again and again. And he was soooooooo convincing and serious about his recovery!!!
I am not saying your A will do this. But from countless people I have heard that the A's need to be in serious recovery for at least six months and even then a lot of them relapse. I heard you say that he doesn't even think that he needs AA and that he is not that bad off. I'm sorry but if my wife left me and took the kids I would think that I had a serious problem!!!! At least I would do what I could to look at myself long and hard.
I also agree that you could use this time to work on yourself because your children will definately be better off with one healthy person and you will be happier too. You deserve to be happy !!!! And just because he wants you to come back, does not mean you have to. It sounds like you would be giving up a lot especially your sanity.
No one can foretell the future. I have read stories here of some "A's" relapsing after DECADES.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful, you never know when you will experience a relapse.
I can certainly understand your "A" saying he is not as "bad off" as some people in AA. There ARE different levels of hitting bottom.
Some alcoholics do not work or support their family, some alcoholics become physically abusive, some alcoholics go out and have affiars and one night stands, some alcoholics drink away their paycheck and don't pay the bills even if they work, some alcoholics sexually abuse their children, while other alcoholics do all of these things and then some.
Others, like my own husband, have an extremely serious problem, but DO work and pay the bills and support thier families and DON'T have affairs or hurt their families physically, but of course they all do emotionally.
My husband is trying SOOOOOO very hard that despite being very very ill and drinking so much that one time he was experiencing daily blackouts and still went to work EVERY SINGLE day! And he has not one, not two, but THREE jobs! All professional level jobs and all very demanding. He is not only a math high school teacher, but also teaches part time at two DIFFERENT local colleges.
If he were to ever say that he is not as bad off as other alcoholics in AA, I would agree with him. The fact that he would even GO to AA would be wonderful, as it would be admitting that he had a problem. He does not have to be as bad off as others to get help.
I would not be so inclined to think that your husband is in denial to truthfully note that his bottom was not as far down as some others.
People get divorced all of the time for all kinds of different reasons, your wife and children leaving you are not an indicator of how sick someone is with alcoholism, although it CERTAINLY is a factor in many cases.
I would focus on HIM and what he is saying and doing, rather than comparing him to others.
Your husband is perhaps trying to get you to see that he loves you and tried hard, despite being sick, so that his bottom was not as bad as others. He never loved the bottle so much that he forgot he had a family, let him be proud of the FEW things he has to be proud of.
My husband says that to me too, he is very proud of the fact that he has never missed a day of work due to drinking and is a VERY hard working family man. He deserves to be proud of that, whether he drinks or not, as I know many men who are not so devoted to providing for their families.
Since he is an alcoholic my husband does this in a rather distored way, since he is sick. He keeps our money separate and pays all household bills (mortgage, utility, medical, house repairs, etc.) but I have to work a part time job for food, clothes etc. for me and daughter as his drinking uses up most of his disposable income. Lately he is doing better, drinking less and helping out with daughter, but I still have to pay my own way and for all of my own needs.
Still, I have heard of many alcoholics who don't work at all, and if they do, don't pay bills and definately don't work as hard as my husband does if they drink as much as he does. He forces himself to do this out of love. He desperately does NOT want his drinking to affect us. It does of course, this is another instance of his distorted thinking, but his heart is in the right place here.
As far as leaving and coming back...this one is hard to figure out. With my first husband, also an alcoholic (also drug addict) he was truly a lost cause, and leaving solicited the same response. Begging, pleading, promises that things would be better...this would last about like three days then it was back to business as usual.
However, with this current alcoholic husband, the one that tries and goes to work everyday, I can truly say that although still drinking, each time we have separated and gotten back together, some of the good changes have remained and things OVERALL have gotten better.
He used to not care if I was sick and once refused to buy me antiobiotics when I had pneumonia and could not work for a month and so had no money (I had a "dog food" job with no benefits at the time). He also used to not want to work, I threw him out and he came back with a job and cash to help and has worked every single day ever since, with not one single week unemployed. He now pays all of my medical bills, without a word of complaint, although I have to often buy my own prescriptions (that is OK as I now work and only take them rarely so can afford it).
So, seperations were good with this husband. It did not "cure" the problem, but it caused him to wake up and work harder, and many of the good changes have remained permanant.
My husband is still drinking, and it is still very painful for daughter and I, but overall thigns are better in many ways since we got back together last year after a years separation. We have been back together exactly one year and three months now and he is getting even better. He is actually working on fixing up the house I have been telling him to do for TEN YEARS. So since this is happening one year after we got back together, the changes have lasted.
It depends on what you are expecting. If I expected him to stop drinking and go to AA this would not have happened (probably). But I just expected him to be a better husband and not be so selfish to just think of HIS needs (drinking time) and help out with other family things. he has done ALL of this.
Taking your children 400 miles away with no court order is probably not the best thing to do. Your husband is very complacent and accomodating right now...but if he gives up on you coming back he CAN take legal action against you to see the children. Whatever you do, see a lawyer to learn about your rights.
Hi Strong , I learned awhile ago to watch what people "do" and pay little attention to what they say. Recovery for me is an action. I hope your husband is getting help in AA ,it will make both your lives better. You working on your program and him on his. goodluck Louise
And I do believe that when the time is right to either go back or stay where u are, u will know!! Once the decission is made either way it's all up hill from there. Look after you and your boys. Sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems but it sure helps .
Thanks so much everyone! My mind is so clouded right now and I have such a hard time seeing the reality of things. It seems to some people that I talk to think that my choices are so clear cut, yet I have a hard time seeing it that way.
Isabela--I really appreciate your take on things. ((HUGS)) to you...sounds like you are an amazing person. I can only dream of the strength and compassion you have! My husband and I had a conversation later on the other night and I was able to understand a lot of what he was talking about b/c of your post. He told me the new AA meeting he went to had a whole different group of people, alcoholics more like him. I think I was misinterpreting what he had originally said and I was taking it as he didn't think he really had a problem. Now I understand that he knows he has a problem, knows how potentially bad it could've gotten(and could possibly get) and he's so glad he went to AA when he did.
One of my biggest concerns and struggles right now is definitely the kids. My oldest should be in school and it has torn me up inside trying to decide what to do about that. I can't bare the thought of taking him in and out of school and moving back and forth between here and my old house. If we do move back and things get out of control, I would like to be at a point where either I can handle things there on my own(if my hubby moves out) or I can move back here and finish out my son's school year. Right now I haven't accepted either of those scenarios as something I can handle so I am still struggling with what to do.
I think all in all it comes down to the fact that I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to pull out of the situation if I do get depressed and have to deal with things on my own. I don't trust myself to make the right decisions if I were to be in the midst of an unfavorable situation. I know that here my support system will keep me in check, at least as far as my kids are concerned. I am scared out of my mind at the thought of moving back.
On a positive note, my husband had a wonderful experience at his AA meeting. He seems to thrive off of the positve environment. It's like talking to a different person after he's gone to a meeting. This whole time he has been practically threatening me to come home...the first thing he said to me after his meeting the other day was, "I am so sorry for the pain I've caused you and the stress I've put on you to come home. I will never put that pressure on you again and I want you to know that if you decide to come home I will be ready for you." What in the world do they tell them there and can I please get it in writing!?? I had the most amazing feeling of relief after talking to him. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever experienced that emotion with him. I am always the one encouraging him and giving into him. It was so refreshing to be on the recieving end.
(((HUGS))) to you all and thanks so much for your kind responses. I get hope after coming here and reading. Hope for peace within myself. I see some of your posts and your outlooks on things and it really inspires me to better myself. Thanks so much for giving me a safe place to fall.
) b/c I couldn't be there to see where he was and if he was telling me the truth.
What in the world do they tell them there and can I please get it in writing!?? I had the most amazing feeling of relief after talking to him. I can honestly say I don't think I've ever experienced that emotion with him. I am always the one encouraging him and giving into him. It was so refreshing to be on the recieving end.