my take on this "hope for today"  message....how to learn life

Hope for Today - August 22

     When I came to Al-Anon, I was waiting for
instruction on something I badly needed.  I wanted
to know how to become an adult with sound values,
self-respect, and self-esteem.  I sought this lesson
from everybody -- my parents, employers, spouses,
children, friends, etc. -- everybody except my
Higher Power and myself.
    

#####ROSIE....oh yeah,   GIVE me that  "life 101"  book...i had NO idea how to do "life" there was no manual,  no teaching from the  beast and his helpers but the UNhealthy/ UNsafe way to live.....how was i to ever grow up how was i to  "put me back together again"  i used to sing a song   "rosie  rosie  sat on a wall......rosie rosie had a great fall.....not the kings horses, not the kings men,  not even GOD can put rosie back together again"   i remember singing this in my sandbox  WAY back,  even before the  sex assaults began....i looked to  relatives/ friends/ spouses/ uncles / aunts,  ANYbody  other than   me/god....i hated me  and i  hated/distrusted any god.....so i continually looked withOUT  (the external)  instead of  withIN (the internal)  for my rescue....it never came.....oh i got snipetts on how to  live/  how to have good hygiene,  how to cook,  how to do lots of things, but they were   "doing things--external"    never  "being things--internal"

After attending meetings and listening to others
share, one much-needed change became perfectly
clear.  I had to stop sabotaging myself by looking
on the outside for something that exists only within.
    

#####ROSIE..... oh yes,   LOOK WITHIN was my  prompt....i am SURE that is why my HP  drug me out here to texas  away from  kay , my sister,  away from tina, my kid,  away from rocksie ann my best friend,  because  being here in   "syberia , texas" iam  FORCED to look at ME...look TO me...look WITHIN me....i had to be FORCED to look within....and it was a while comming because i had my  X  taking care of me till may 2000 when we split.....AFTER we split i began to say   "holy moly ,  WHAT am i gonna do with me now????"......it was clear...get withIN me whre my  "christ within is"  or  keep shooting my own foot....i decided after my feet began looking like  colanders,  to  "give it a try--- looking within"   it was scary,  but i am doing it.....

Trying to find self-respect and self-esteem from
inside felt like pulling a rabbit out of a hat, and I
didn't have a rabbit or a hat!  Growing up with
unavailable alcoholic parents left some gaping holes
in my childhood development.  I couldn't figure out
how I was going to fill myself with characteristics I
had never seen in my home.
    

######ROSIE.... oh for me it was like trying to find  ONE flower in a bucket of horse manure.....growing up with  the  "texas chainsaw family"   left  gaping holes??? that is an understatement---    yeah,  HOW was i going to fil mysel up with the healthy characteristics....you know what i did????  i sat down one day and said   "ok , if i am the OPPOSITE of these freaks,  MAYBE i can at least PASS for healthy"   it worked to some extent.....AND there was this  INate goodness in me,  a small candle of the light/goodnes/love that he just could NOT blow out....i counted on that small flickering flame that at times would shrink and almost die,  but not quite!!!  just when i felt the flame was out/ and i would be drowing in darkness,  something would happen to breathe fresh  OXY on it and i would endure...BARELY but i endured.....to me life was something to  endure  to  "try and get through to the end"

Al-Anon has repaired those holes by giving me
tools to develop the qualities I desire and by
showing me healthy people who already possess
them. 

######ROSIE.....yes,  the  steps/ literature/ meets/ guidelines of the approved literature/  seeing OTHERS share and  relate to me, and show THEIR   "before and after life pictures"  it was encouraging....so i just followed the program,   watching/ reading/ listening  and low and behold,  changes began to take place..... watching people who lived lives of horror,  come through it and  learn to "manage their coda or acoa issues"   hearing the  "when i came here stories  to the   NOW stories"  gave me some hope that maybe   just maybe i just might  LEARN to live in  harmony with this "thing called life"

The program offers me sound, healthy
guidelines -- values -- for life.  As I let go and trust
God to work things out without forcing my will, I
become more mature. 

######ROSIE.....i just  walked it  piece by piece...day by day...going to so many meetings, i am on first terms with  step chat folks,  etcetra,  sharing on the cells phones....i mean these people  were/are REAL  stories of victory over the darkness.....if THEY can do it....WHY can't i?????   letting go was  not as bad as letting it go to god....i was not at the point where i could trust in any god,  that would come later,  as i worked  "around the god stuff"   than slowly i realized  AS i learned to look within, i was finding my  HP  withIN...and that would connect me to the  "source  or universal power"   i cannot grasp accept a  "father-- male figure of the source"   so i call it the source....for some reason  Jesus being a male didn't bother me...its like i figured   "whos gonna listen to a woman in THOSE days???"   and Jesus is my friend,  i know he relates to me because he loved mary magdalaine so much and she HAD to have been abused in her line of work...so i could relate to christ..... but a "father"  figure???   nope,  and that is ok, i get around it by applying NO gender  and no  name to the "source"...this  program even in my   "can't trust god days"   showed me that  DETACHMENT  eased the stress levels big time.....so for me, instead of surrender  (possibly another trigger word)    i use the words....."walk away"   "give to universe"   "cast the burden"   AND   good ole  DETACHMENT....it works....it clears up the energy/karma  so the positive forces CAN  come in and work on it....things are WAY better  with  this  Detachment step.....step one was kinda easy.....i WAS on my back..life had beaten me down, i was ready to give it up to SOMETHING...like accepting my life WAS unmanageable, my way was NOT working, so i accepted it..............step two/ giving in to idea of  a power greater than me was the program until i realized my inner higher power......step three, the  "why not" step...well when nothing ELSE is working,   why not??? i mean  WHAT did i have to lose??? but my headaches,  so i just basically called step three my  "ok you give it a shot"  taking my hands off and allowing whatEVER to do a work on it......

As I take responsibility for
myself by making amends, I grow in self-esteem.
As I conduct my social behavior according to the
Traditions, I develop self-respect.  Working my
program helps me become the adult I always
dreamed of being.

######ROSIE yes,    accepting that i made mistakes......confessing/ owning each one of them.......taking proper action/ amends about them.....i call it the    3 a's    awareness.......acceptance........action (make amends)  and yes, my self respect is growing ....and yes, self respect is growing too.....working the program is  teaching me how to be a responsible adult....i am not of  "diminished capacity" anymore....i CAN  take responsibility for me   i CAN take good care of me...i CAN be even better to my loved ones cause i am better with me......

Thought for the Day
     Four things are true for me.  I have needs.  I have
parents.  Sometimes my parents can't fulfill my
needs.  I *can* get my needs met elsewhere.

      #########ROSIE....yes....needs......no parents (both dead).....sometimes their old negative tapes reach out and slam me, but i am setting boundaries on those old  and UNwanted tapes/messages and creating my own GOOD ones.....i DO get my needs met elsewhere....from  ME/  my HP/  my CLOSE relationships......as i give in return.....

 "With help we can develop a new sense of living,
       as we become, one day at a time, the people we
       want to be."
             *Al-Anon Sharings from Adult Children*, p. 6
  ----------
#######ROSIE....yeah,  i am SO diferent from then to now....my favorite saying is   "i am NOT anywhere near where i want to be......BUT  thank god, i am NOT where i used to be".....progress one day at a time......i  AM,  with the "christ within" who strengthens me  "putting me back to gether again......and the kings horses are in the pasture...its being done by  ME/  my HP/  my good relationship/  this GR8 program"    yes,  MY humpty dumpty IS being put back together again.....and the pieces of me that i don't get back????? well hell, i will build NEW ones  to replace them..........thank you....DONE