The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother called today. We have a very crazy relationship. She's kinda bonkers and the original reason I was refered to alateen as a kid was becasue of her. I didn't go though cause she doesn't drink much in the way of alcohol so i didn't see how I qualified. What she drinks is crazy-ahol--as in she's just plain bonkers.
But anyways, i had this thing earlier today where I was able to release a lot of rage and pain I have towards god by being true to my feelings and letting them out. I was still feeling a little raw from that when she called.
My mother interrupts me midsentence always with some regularity and I have put up with it my whole life. She was telling me about this boyfriend and that one and that one that she is dating right now, and I said something back to her during this torrent of words at one point--and she predicatably interrupted me midsentence. so I started my sentence over. five times before I noticed I was being insane. And she continued to interrupt me, so then I changed course with her a little. Tried something new. I asked her to please stop interrupting me and in response, she let me finish my sentence that once. But then was of to the races with not listening and next time I spoke she interrupted me midsentence again. WITHIN MINUTES OF MY REQUEST. damn if she hadn't really heard me. I wasn't getting the respect I wanted at all.
So I yelled at her. Not meanly, but loudly. I totally lost control on how I was going to get myself heard.
Now I'm scared she is going to be 'mad at me.' about the yelling and I feel guilty... I'm 27 #&**#ing years old and I feel like I'm ten right now. but whatever. I think the reason I was even able to ask her not to interrupt me at all was because of this program, which I just started so I need to learn patience. I'm starting to see how my work in the program could REALLY make waves in my family of origin if I don't get a lot of guidance on how to go easy on them. Pretty soon I'll be 'standing up for myself' all over the place and I won't get invited anywhere by them. Not that I do anyways. I avoid my family of origin like the plague so half the time they don't even bother with me.
I go through the same thing with my Mom and the only thing that I have found that works is the "broken record" technique.
When she interrupts me, which is every other word, I simply repeart the phrase that I was saying, over and over and over and over until she is quiet and lets me get it out. I don't shout or say it nasty, but I repeat it in a loud firm monotone voice in quick succession, non-stop, until I can get it out without interruption.
She HATES, HATES, HATES this!!!!! Since it cuts off her interruptions, dead in their tracks. She will say things like that I am "mocking her" and I say "how can I be mocking you when I am repeating MY OWN words!
She is usually continuing to talk over me the entire time, until I have said it about ten times. Usually she is so mad and annoyed at me that the "conversation" (I really can't call this a conversation, as it feels more like a "contest of words") is over very soon...just like I USUALLY like it.
This is for day to day interractions, my Mom lives downstairs in an apartment in my house.
In fairness I will admit that in a pinch, or in a crisis, or when things are going wrong for me she listens much better with a lot of loving concern and helps out all she can.
So, this seems to just be a VERY VERY bad conversational habit she has gotten into. It is probably the same with your Mom. Moms are not known for listening well to adult children, including me. My grown daughter constantly reminds me to let her finish and not interrupt. Aparantly this is a hard habit to break once developed, and I didn't even realize I was doing it, until she reminded me.
It is also very common in ADHD individuals, which was probably not diagnosed in someone your Mom's age, so keep in mind that she may not be able to help it much.
I used to have a TERRIBLE problem finishing people's thoughts for them, as they were too slow, and they always admit that I have ALWAYS been right...so far. I am a very intuitive person, so am good at picking up nonverbal cues. It has been a HARD habit to break, especially at work where this kind of thing does not go over very well, LOL.
Try to be patient with your Mom, it will be nearly impossible for her to break this habit.
She does have ADHD...at least, she is diagnosed with it, but I've not been very understanding about it because I see it as an 'excuse' for her behavior. i'm seeing this is somethin I need to do some work around.
Yes, ADHD is very misunderstood as many people DO use it as an excuse for things.
ADHD and ADD are very controversial conditions as many people don't eve believe in it, even doctors. But there are many more, especially those who work with large groups of people on a daily basis, like teachers, who DO believe in it since they see it in action day after day.
Impulsive talking is a VERY strong sign of ADHD and ADD, usually this is manifested in a tendency to interrupt. Most people CAN'T HELP this mild aspect of ADD or ADHD as it is a "brain wiring" phenomena. The part of our brain that controls inhibitions in people who suffer from ADD and ADHD are flawed and does not work as well. So, when the thought comes to mind in the conversation, it usually comes right out of the mouth, often bypassing the part of the brain that would tell them to hold it back.
This is especially true if your Mom has been officially diagnosed with ADHD or ADD.
Now, where it becomes controversial is the the more serious aspects of ADD and ADHD. Many people with these conditions have trouble organizing their time and use their condition as an excuse for chronic lateness...this is wrong...there is a way around this problem. They just have to work harder to get up earlier for instance (people with ADD and ADHD don't have a good "inner clock" and it takes them FAR longer to get ready then they THINK or feel that it does).
I am glad your Mom has an official diagnosis so you can be more understanding and sympathetic to her.
Isabela
PS YES! Good idea to read a book about ADHD and ADD, especially one geared towards adults with that condition. My Mom has it too (in my profession opinion as a teacher), but at 77 is not about to go to a doctor for an official diagnosis. She has all of the classis symptoms, and is WORSE than my daughter who DOES have an official diagnosis. SInce both of these conditions are related to the hard wiring of the brain there IS a genetic componant.
You remind me of myself. My mom used to interupt me all the time and make me want to see her side all the time. But i didnt and thats why we used to fight all the time. I used to feel guilty when she got upset when i got angry and i always used to say sorry and it went on and on like that. But now i dont understand why i used to feel guilty? and worry what she feels all the time,what about the way I feel? why did i not care about the way i felt? She was not listening but still expected a normal conversation so long as it went the way she wanted? I see a problem with that. I was giving my mother to much power, and by feeling guilty was what my mother used. Its ok to love your mother and not accept that behaviour from her. You can just calmly say mom i have to go for awhile ill call you later. When you feel angry or upset. Your feelings do count and should come first. ITs not ok for you to worry all the time. Be true to yourself allow yourself say hey this is not ok. You dont have to be mean but you dont have to tolerate it either. My mother used to get upset about it, but when i talked to her the next time she was a little more careful. Then she would forget and in alanon i learnt that you show people how to treat you. The other day my dad and me were talking and we got on the subject about my mother again for the 1000th time. My mother died in april from cancer, and she was bedridden and i took care of her by myself since my dad and sister couldnt, i cared for her at home. She had cancer in her bones also. The nurses told me to make sure i got her out of bed ever single day and i did that, but one day my mom didnt wantto and i told her you have to so come on, and when she got up her knee snapped and she had to get an operation on her knee and she went downhill from there. Now i know that it was not my fault that she snapped her knee the cancer did and would of happened anyway. But for my dad? he believes that if i didnt get her up like he told me not to, she wouldnt of broke her knee there fore it is my fault, I would normally go off on him and flip till one would get really really angry. But other day i just left the room and went into another and for the first time in my life he said ok kerry im sorry. But it wasnt a sincere apology, just guilt from what he knew he said. But he does truly believe that. We can learn that we are important and our life matters and our opinions also. By not giving so much power to your mom and to say i will call you later would be taking care of you in my opinion i wished i learnt that a long while ago..Hope this helped
kerry
__________________
Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
