The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Detachment is one of the most valuable techniques Alanon offers those of us who seek to reclaim ourselves. Simply put, detachment means to separate ourselves emotionally and spiritually from other people.
If someone we love had the flu and cancelled plans with us, most of us would understand. We wouldnt take it personally, or blame the person for being inconsiderate or weak. Instead in our minds , we would probably separate the person from the illnessm, knowing that it was the illness , rather than our loved one, that caused the change of plans. This is detachment. And we can use it to see alcoholism in the same compassionate yet impersonal way. When alcoholism causes a change in plans, or sends harsh words or other unacceptable behaviour in our direction, we neednt take it any more personally than we would take the flu symptoms.It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by grounless insults or angered by outrageous lies, If we can learn to step back from alcoholism's symptoms and effects just as we would from the sneezing of a person with a cold, we will no longer take those effects to heart.
Leaning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to the alcoholic behaviour and in thatmoment as yourself,,,"Is this behaviour coming from the person or the disease"? Learn to say to ourselves,,,"Thats just alcoholism"......and let it go........Detachment for me has been so hard,especially when the person has been in your life for a very long time,,I hope this helps some of you , in this seeking to find a solution to this baffling disease.
I am new here, but have been living with an alcoholic for 5 years. He was sober for five years, then started drinking again about 2.5 years ago. A lot has happened in our lives that was unexpected, and has been extremely hard to deal with, and I know he now uses that for an exc use, but prior to that, there was always some other excuse. He was busted in December for his 4th DUI and spent 24 days in jail. He quit drinking for a while after that, but is right back at it. We are fighting to keep a foster child from being returned to his mother, so we can adopt him, but right now, I don't know that I could trust him to be responsible for this child and his own son if I weren't in the picture. I've been fighting with my conscience about saying something to the caseworker or not, because if I were to leave him, I think I'd have to fight him for these boys. They are very attached to me, as they are him, but they seem to come to me moreso than him. Anyway, back to the drinking. How in the world can you detach from this? He drinks because I can't be intimate. Not to get personal, but I just will not do anything when he reeks of alcohol. I don't think I could even fake it just to get thru it. But that's been his major reason for drinking. The whole intimacy thing. He did it to me. He was on the net all the time in porn sites and chatrooms. It became an issue. He made me feel so ugly and undesirable that I can hardly let him touch me anymore. I just lay and wonder which one of his little online hotties he's thinking about for the duration. I realize that sounds ridiculous, but it has really hurt my self image. But he doesn't get it. He's risking so much by drinking and he knows it. When I bailed him out of jail, he was crying and talking about how he didn't want to lose his son, which btw, he just found and got guardianship of, so I flat out lied and hid it from everyone involved. I still don't feel right for doing that. I try to just let the drinking go, but he sneaks off on his bike after I go to bed and goes and buys beer. I have 2 grown children who still live at home, and they just hate the drinking. So I feel like I'm always making excuses for him and I don't like it. He'll stay out in the garage until 5 am and then pass out on the couch until his ride for work gets here. Then when he gets home from work, he thinks he can just go to sleep on the couch or sneak off to bed and I'll happily take care of the 2 little ones. That really makes me mad. I guess I could go on and on. We haven't spoke to each other in a week now. It's sad, but I don't know how to handle it. Thank for the ear (eye).
gardengal..............Leaning to detach often begins by learning to take a moment before reacting to the alcoholic behaviour and in thatmoment as yourself,,,"Is this behaviour coming from the person or the disease"?
rosie>>>>>>yeah, i think MOST of the awful stuff my drunk mother said to me was the disease, i can look back and i realize that even though she made HORRENDOUS bad moves i her treatment /neglect of us...she did love her kids...she was just a hopless A and that was that...i can now pray for the repose of her soul.....great point!! thank you for this share.....rosie
especially when the person has been in your life for a very long time,,I hope this helps some of you , in this seeking to find a solution to this baffling disease.