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I'm thinking really hard about 'letting go and letting god' and detachment and surrender today. I've only been going to meetings for about a week--both CoDA and Al-anon (one or the other almost everyday). I hear that I just need to keep coming and these concepts will sink in to my consciousness on thier own clock...
the thing is that total surrender doesn't _feel_ safe even though I can conceptualize it as something positive. I'm chicken scared.
little times this week I've managed to experiment with it in bits...let go a little in my relationship. letting little things that aren't important not be important. Letting him be responsible for his own drinking/behavior without being preachy or torturing myself about it or feeling responsible. Looking out for #1. I'm trying out some of the slogans I've been learning in my crash course of literature and meetings. (like "how important is it" and 'detach with love" and stuff about taking reponsibility for my own stuff only.) And I am astonished when I do this how quickly my relationship with my 'a' improves and also I feel more sane!!!..yay~~
The problem is that _then_ I get attached to the result (fleeting glimmers of intimacy and calm for example) as my reward for doing a 'good job' detaching. So the next time I "detach with love" about something involving the 'a' I have these lurking expectations--which means I'm manipulating really, and not detaching. (sigh) The switch happens SO fast and its a frustrating stumble, because I think I'm really smart.
truth is I'm an amateur and I'm easily confused.
I'm not asking for advice ( even after a week I know better ). I'm asking for prayer from you guys that my higher power will communicate wisdom to me on this front. I'm having trouble doing my own praying right now. I'm overwhelmed and I feel sort of paralyzed.
I'm on a quiet streak in my life and at meetings (having always been a talker, I'm REAL quiet in person lately), and spiritually I am quiet right now too, but not in a zen way. I'm going into this white knuckled. Its wierd, I can't even really journal. I think its fear. I know it is fear. So I'm asking this group for prayer about this.
Eileen I am a Co-Dependent Adult Child and a spouse of an Alcoholic as well. I know what your going through. We all have a hard time at first, this takes time. It's not a quick fix. It took me a couple months to start becoming comfortable with Alanon. And it's steps. I am still working on the first three. And I've been doing this since May. I have read Co-Dependent books and Alanon books and I am glad to say that my "A" and I get along great since I've been able to do this comfortably. Actually he didnt even drink before bed last night and he went to a meeting last week. He says that seeing the change in me makes him want to change, so hang in there and it will work for you too. Just be patient and give it some time. In the meantime we are all here for you.
Your post reminded me of my beginning days in alanon....putting the detachment with love "tool" into practice, how it began to improve my relationship with hubby. And I also do remember how disappointed and hurt I was when he picked up the next drink (he went 6 days without one at that time....and yes, I was counting the days). His slip actually helped me in that I had to look at myself again and learn to use the tools more effectively, rather than forgetting about them and slipping myself. (My slipping meaning going back to my old behaviors.) What I have learned is not to focus on whether he is drinking or not, to not count days either way (altho sometimes I still do to be honest). To focus on myself, on what I am doing, am I putting the program to work in my life or am I getting complacent. I've also learned to go easy on myself, to know that I'm not perfect and change takes time. This also helps me with compassion for what he is going thru - if its hard for me, how much harder for him? And I have learned that when I start to feel that disappointment and hurt again, that the best thing for me is to focus back on all I've learned in here and get in to talk to someone, to readjust my thinking, to work the program. I think its okay to "expect" that working the program will make my life better (notice i said "my"). If it also happens to help my hubby, well thats an added bonus. Any day when we can smile and laugh together is a good day.
Keep coming back, lots of love and prayers for you!
Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Today I had a pretty serious emotional release about surrender. I went to a meeting and for the first time I spoke up. I shared that I've been struggling with letting go of control because I'm afraid if I let god have what god wants, then I will end up isolated judged and in pain, because I believe on some deep level that this is gods agenda for me.
Then I felt stupid after I shared, because I cried.
After the meeting the woman who had chaired came up to me and said that I had helped her with her own stuff today by sharing, because I reminded her about her HP. And then she said some words that _really_ helped ME. she said 'it was very brave of you to sit in here and say you don't trust god.'
Wow, I thought..I hadn't thought of it in those words but i sure don't.
I don't trust god...I started to feel guilty a little and then on my way back to my car something exciting happened. i got really MAD. pissed~! and I was talking to god in my head and I said "well, why the hell WOULD i trust you! " and then I started to cry bitterly, and my still small voice told me 'stay angry as long as you need to today. don't try and stuff it back down just be angry.' and so I stayed angry at god quite actively for at least and hour and I cried and stamped my feet and cursed god.
then I went to the park and calmed down, and started to notice beauty and tried to fucus more on blessings in my life, though I still felt a little weepy, I was able to see and feel tiny glimmers of the god of my understanding's love for me. I'm still mad. rough day. but I feel more 'heard' now by god about my anger for what my life has been so far, and I'm feeling more ready for a new perspective.
baby steps. but I've cracked the nut of confusion today at the very least I know WHY i won't surrender. that feels HUGE. thank you for the prayer and support.
I think you are doing really well. When we first come into the program, we have all of our old ways of thinking then we are learning knew ways of thinking, and it is all so confusing. That is why "one day at a time" has really worked well for me.
I too struggled with trusting my higher power. After all the pain I had been through in just three short years of living with my "A" how could I trust anyone/anything. I am not sure when it happened, but I some how over the past 5 years have really learned to lean on my HP. I have learned that sometimes I may not think I am praying, but my HP can hear the cries of my heart.
Good for you about letting yourself feel. Letting the feelings out is so healthy.
A quick word about expectations, I was told in a meeting that they are premeditated resentments. My "A" can never meet my expectations even when I expect him to drink/use.
Keep coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
you know, eileen, when i kept saying "i am WILLING to surrender" i call it detach instead for some reason "surrender" feels like i am giving myself up, like the perp took the "me of me" away...so i say DETACH....GIVE OVER.....CAST THE BURDEN.......whatever word works the WILLIINGNESS sets in motion to the universe to make it happen....the sub mind WILL process even what you are WILLING to do...it has no sense of humour, it only processes like an indiferent computer what it receives from you....if your conscious mind "buys it" than the sub mind will.....its like when i hear bs, my upper filters say its bs and so my sub mind does not process bs....on the other hand if i know that "buying into" detachment works and i am WILLING...than my sub mind processes it.....with practice and meetings / literature/ slogans/ sharing it CAN DOES happen....one day at a time....peace , rosie
