I just wanted to let you all know that I did go see the counselor, and she was helpful... mostly just a good ear and helping me to see how I was feeling-- more or less I'd tell her something and she'd say "you must of been very disapointed" (sad, angry, etc) and I would say "yes--" and she also asked "what can I do for you" and I said "I need to learn how to cope with this, how to help my children cope with this, we have everything going for us, I made vows to love and be with this man in sickness and in health and I think it's only fair I at least try, and then if it still falls apart, I have tried". She suggested that I stick with the online group since our town is very small and we both agreed that if he feels threatened (hears about me going to a meeting) that it will make things worse (also that he is not aware I went to see her).

On another brighter note-- I'll give him a "B" for effort-- he is drinking (I don't know how this is supposed to sound!) but not like he was before-- at least now he is not obliterated before bed... he thinks he's hiding it from me by chewing gum-- and my "A" was never a gum chewer... so I"ll accept that he isn't in the state that he was, though I'm having hope that he'll battle and win this, I am going to accept that he (as the counselor said) can't control this, he thinks he's in control because he's "not drinking" (and yet is) so I am sure at some point there will be a setback, but I will be happy with the "less alcohol" in our life! The patience and the kindness is back, I am having a hard time with some of it because I do not see how someone can flip flop back and forth but the counselor thinks that some of the emotional rollercoaster is from the drinking and less drinking means less flopping, so I am trying very hard to hug back and kiss back and be affectionate even though sometimes I feel angry about all of it. He is trying and I have to try to. My son is wanting to be with him now, which is a major uplift, before he didn't even want to be around him, now he says "can I go see him" when he's out doing something (generally it's been at a particular neighbor-- I'm sure he's having at least a beer over there) so the fact that he wants to be with my "A" makes me feel better. It's so hard not to judge, it's so hard not to put on the magnifying glass... but you can't love and judge at the same time so I'm trying very very hard to love!!!! I cringed today when he told me he was going to work early and going with a "friend"-- that does not mean they will come home together... it's so hard for me not to do the "third degree" when he says something... I want to protect him, from even himself, even when I'm not supposed to!!!

We will be going out of town part of this week end, we are going to get the kids school stuff and pick up some landscaping things.

If he wants me to buy him Pepsi-- I'll buy him Pepsi till it's springing out his ears!! I know this is a long road... and I'll accept what I can today and be grateful for it.

On a short note, I went shopping yesterday-- I decided that for my sons birthday I'm redecorating his room-- so I brought home bedding, wall decor, shelving etc... and it won't happen this week but hoping that maybe it will be a fun project (maybe the "A" will join me too?) for me to do. The counselor and I have a meeting again next week.

Apple