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This weekend was a completely disaster, and one I knew was coming. After admitting to smoking pot 6 months ago and "claiming" to get back on the wagon (although it was painfully clear that he wasn't) I went to Florida for a few days to visit my best friend who is currently goingthorugh a divorce. I knew that not going would be stopping my life and whatever was to happen would. Well, true to form, he was high in my livingroom all night Sat...after weeks of promising (yet again) that he wouldn't do anything (never believed him) and to "trust" him....yeah, ok. So from 1500 miles away I had to deal withthis s*it. I lost my mind about thousand times and caled everyone imaginable b/c I could not get in touch with him, not knowing he was in the house. Finally, after calling in laws (enable and coddle the poor bastard, I am the bitch wife that won't get off his back) and trying to get them to help me find him...I found him home through a friend and cracked out of his skull. Scared to death that he would leave in the car to get high (which is registered im my name mind you) I had all his keys taken atthe very least and called his uncle to come and pick him up and get him out of the house. I did not want him there. I suggested that he go away, albeit I didn't care, but made the suggestion anyway. He called himself in and went. For 18 hours! Checked himself out and has now moved out to his uncle's briefly. He needs to keep away right now, and he's trying to get his life together. (he says) I am so angry!! I feel like my house was violated AGAIN. This is not the first time that I have gone away and this has happened.
I'm done. How can I go on like this? I can't. I'm so tired and I need him out of here so I can think, so on that end I'm glad he's gone. But on the other hand, I am angry that he will not give me the opportunity to get angry like I deserve. Please someone help. I am so exhausted. I can't sleep. I'm consumed with anxiety. It comes mostly at night and Ineed some sleep.
Do you know the 3 c's you didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it. It being your husband's use of alcohol and pot.
Good for you getting away for the weekend and visiting a friend in need.
When I still lived with my active A and went on frequent business trips I would worry about him to the point of exhaustion.
I was working in Mexico for a month a few years ago and I spent countless hours trying to call him, follow-up on him etc. I was worried sick. I came home to him just fine, the mail not being deleivered (he never picked it up) and what looked like a month long binge (he is out of work a few years now)
I learned a hard lesson, all of my worry was making ME sick, he was just fine with his lifestyle of using.
Now with the help of ALOT of alanon work I am putting my life back in order.
Megan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
My A is my daughter and thankfully sober for 4 years. But your post reminded me how I used to feel when she would disappear - for days at a time - on her binges. The hours I wasted phoning everyone, going round and round in circles, and imagining all the terrible things that could be happening to her. Oh yes, and I can relate to the anger, I used to think "Why is she doing this to ME".
I really gave up on doing anything for myself. I was afraid to go anywhere, in case something would happen. You actually sound strong, and you are doing the right thing by living your own life. Keep working the program.
Living with alcoholism can make us insane. That is why we need alanon.
When my "A" is driving me crazy, I come here, I go a meeting, I call my spsonsor, I do soemthing nice for myself, I take care of me, because he isn't going to, he can't.
Talk to your HP, ask for guidence, breathe, and do somehting nice for you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
When I first came to Alanon my feelings of anger, resentment and fear were running my life. I can say that I was going nuts. My anger was so great that I would scream smash things punch thing etc. It was a mess!!! Why was I angry... for many reason such as him not comming home or drinking too much there are so many that I think I would practically look for reasons just to stay angry. The fears were thoes of what he was doing or where he was or how he was getting home I am the biggest worry wort!!! So when he would some how get home my fear would turn into anger and the fight was on!!! Well of course in these screaming matches hurtful things were said and of course I was the only one who remembered the conversation and then to him I was "crazy" and making it all up. So of course all hurt and feeling sorry for my self for what to cause myself more pain and torment myself. You see when the disease is controlling me it is true that I am crazy especially to my active husband.
I through alanon have discovered that being angry, fearing the worst and resenting everyone especially my hubby was the worst thing for me. What my AH does it out of my hands and in trying to control or being the way I was, was distroying me and nothing is more preciouse to me than my own life.
Now if I am angry I let myself feel it, I cry I deal with it! Then I am fine because the way I was before was so emotionally and physically drainning. Once I was able to "let go" my life actually began to become more mannagable and a weight was lifted from my very burdened shoulders.
You do have the right to feel and really feeling is important but also letting go and getting back to yourself is soooo important to keeping your sanity.
I am glad that you have come to alanon. Keep comming back.
