wow, don't be shy girl!! lol this was a great thought provoking post. Thank you
for sharing so very much!

My scoundrel A has been gone really since he had the brain surgery in 99. Lost his
years of sobriety, AA, ability to love, ability to be him anymore, lost his
ability to be able to be in recovery. He is brain damaged.

No I do not want to live with him. As far as doing what God wants, that is number one
with me. Marriage, like children is a gift from God. Does not mean it will be
easy, all loving. But for me it has been a learning experience, has made
me grow up and has taught me who I am.

The Bible clearly states we are not free to remarry unless our spose dies
or commits adultery. So for me, I stay married. Sure I could remarry and be in love and
not go thru this lonliness anymore. But I refuse to hurt my creator, when I
know it is wrong.

IF I did divorce and remarry, it would be becuz i did do what Satan would love
for me to do, turn my back on my vows.

This is ME. my experience.

Detachment to me is not really much how anyone sees it but me. For me it is not giving
the disease any attention. I let go, or detach from caring about it. I don't
want to know if he is drunk high or whatever. I don't care to know what
the disease has made him do now.

I don't care to know if he lies, or if he does not. It is NOT my problem.

I am married to a very sick person. His disease is his own. I did not
promise to get all involved in his messes.

I am commited to loving him. If he gets sick and goes to the hospital
i will be there. IF he comes and visits we sit and talk and maybe work
on something. If he calls I ignore the drunk talk. I don't respond. Who wants to talk
talk to cancer or cp or what ever? I don't. I want to talk to my a or listen
to my A. If I feel i want to listen I will, I won't engage in any bs though.

I just say gotta go feed, gotta go fix a fence, thanks for calling.

I don't want to touch bs. do you? so I don't.

And believe me, for someone to say, I will never get detachment.... well
guess what? You won't. It is a self fulfilling prophesy. LIke I will never remember
well you won't. Say I will remember just a sec.

I cannot change the behavior, I cannot change him to not drink, I cannot stop
him from lieing, I have no control over this. So I let it go. I don't care, I don't
care I dont' care. I don't!

It has no POWER over me. I no longer get angry or frustrated or hate him. I
don't want to yell or throw things or take him to rehab or to AA.

It is none of my business. In a relationship with an A, I find it is not like
a socalled normal relationship. It cannot be. So for me I use the alanon
skills to make it as workable as I can.

If I freak out about all the bs the disease brings, crimany I would be nuts,

well I was nuts... lol but serenity comes when I detach, I surrendered, I stopped
allowing the disease to control me. Stopped falling into the little pits it
threw in my path.

I expect him to lie, I expect him to drink and use heroin. I hope he will have
some good sober time. I hope maybe a miracle will happen and he will
get well.

I Have faith that I was given this wonderful think called marriage, for a reason
I mean it is a gift.

So here is your marriage Debilyn. What have you learned???

I learned I am strong
i learned I am very commited
I learned I have high morals
I learned just how much I love my scoundrel husband
I learned to fix plumbing
I learned to put in adoor and window in
I learned to do sheet rock
I learned to fix a pump
I learned to detach from that which has no power over me
I found alanon
I found innner peace
I found needles, empty vodka bottles and I just left them and went on
I learned when to say yes and when to say no
I learned there is no greater love than to stay married to someone I rarely see
though I want to, rarely talk to, though I want to, rarely get kissed by, though ' IU really want to
I learned the one day at a time means one day at a time. It is taken from the
bible what better guide is that?

I learned to not be anxious, to do what i can today and go to sleep at night.

Pay what I can today, make arrangements today, feed what i can today, clean
what I can, fix what i can. and then rest and play and love, each day. find
wonder each day.

I have seen, becuz of this marriage, a woman grow up into someone I like
and love very much. I have seen her go thru being spoiled and having everything
to living in her barn almost homeless to climbing out herself and now
living in her 3 bedroom house, with five acres of an animal sanctuary in paradise.

I see her still married thru the abuse, the lies the horror of alcoholism, to finding
alanon and now not allowing any of the above to occur anymore
becuz it no longer controls my life.

I have my own income, I Have my own home, i have my own 78 shorbed chevypickup even though
he is old I would put him against any new piece of tin any day.

With out this GROUP lol I would be dead. Dead from pills all put out in front of me.

The room of people I will never forget gave me hope. All I knew at the time was my
mother was dead, my best friend was dead and my husband was a sick maniac.

the room made me reach out to my face to face friends who all of a sudden were here
at my farm, keeping me from using the gun I had in the barn.

If you call living sleeping in this huge bed with two Basset hounds and wall to wall
other dogs at night, having to step over a pot bellied pig to go potty at night,

spraying down 21 pigs when it is hot, having A call and really listen and enjoy him, to going to see him and accept him as is and enjoy him,

and i admit sometimes I think crap why did he say that or why did he do that,,, duh the
insanity thing.

I know he cannot care about me, I know he does not love me, I know he has nothing
to give me. But I have stuff to give him. I do what i feel comfy and walk away.

I learned that from Jesus when he was here. He even talked to murderers and
prostitutes and men of great power who did not believe. But he gave what he had to
give, did not let their crap interfere with what he had to do and went on.

blab blab. I guess I spilled it didn't i... oops.

well I gotta go save the dogs who are roasting at the den door. How dare I make them go
outside....love,debilyn smoinks