The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I guess this past week I haven't been following my own good sense, and I'm falling apart at the seams again. Can't sleep for wondering how to get all the work done, and how to pay the bills, etc. Haven't done my yoga regularly, and I'm not eating properly.
It's hard to slow myself down, and take one day at a time, when there's so much worry...no matter how pointless. I know what to do, but putting myself first is so hard, when everybody else wants a little piece of me.
Then, I've started feeling guilty. When I left my A I took half our savings, and bought a mobile in Fla. It's paid for, and currently on the market. The other half of our savings is gone...paying bills, working on the house etc. I quit working as hard in our family business, and most of it we've sold to our son...(he hasn't paid yet). I opened a retail shop...it pretty much pays our daily expenses, food, gasoline, miscellaneous daily spending money, etc. I'm not contributing much at this point to the family bills....credit cards, his fancy car payments (though he picked one of them out for me). We have a ton of debt, and no retirement nor health insurance. Every time I pay off the cards or a loan, he runs them back up. Now, I think our credit is maxed out and shot. I just about hope so, as that's the only way he won't incur more debt. I'm tempted to file bankruptcy, though don't know if I should, as we would lose our rental income. We had a "charge" repossession this year on a motor home, but they haven't contacted us...we would probably owe $50,000 on that if they try to collect. I'm not sure, but I think the "charge off", means they consider the balance after auction uncollectible and write it off.
I've been considering closing my shop...my dream...my haven, and going to work to provide a small check, and health insurance, and at least work toward some retirement fund. He does seasonal construction work, and is paid sometimes twice a month, sometimes once a month, and sometimes less. He is not willing to get a "real" job, with benefits, as it would be too confining, among other things. I did offer to close the shop 3 days a week and work at a local job that would offer these benefits.
I do all I can to economize....canning, sales and brown bagging my lunch. He spends at least 75 per week for golf, and pocket money.
Mentally, I keep adding up what we could pay off it the mobile sells, and our rental will be almost paid off soon...it's an old place, but would pay off maybe 2 credit cards.
In the meantime, we have some money coming in next month. I intend to catch up on some things, and taxes and insurance, and pay off a couple of smaller cards. He intends to use the money to make his car even "more wonderful".
He says he's concerned about our financial situation, but expects me to pick money from some tree growing out back. I can't reach that high.
He mentioned selling our home...but then we'd have to buy something else, and he needs to finish a lot of work on the unfinished part of the house anyway. We don't have THAT much equity in it...to finish it, start over,and pay off bills.
Anyway, am I being selfish in not wanting to give up my shop. I feel that it will pay MY part of the bills, once it is well established. I'm counting on this Christmas buying season to do that. I can always reconsider at that time.
Sorry for rambling...there was just nobody else with whom to share my concern. Thanks for listening.
I've learned something here. Don't worry too far into the future.
In the beginning I kept thinking what am I going to do next month??
Now I seriously get through today. And slowly things fall into place.
It's not great by any means, but I've gotten through 5 months this way and it's better.
I too have financial difficulty due to an irresponsible addict. I've needed his help to sell a rental property and he's been unable to focus due to his addictions. I was so worried before that I was freaking out.
Now, I've done what I can do on my own. The roof is being done today. I hired a plumber to replace the toilet. I've filed a claim with my homeown'er's for a roof leak and damage. And I have a handyman available to paint and some minor repairs. These are all things my husband is capable of doing on his own but his is utterly unavailable. He doesn't even know that these things are being done. I have a realtor and when the time is right if my husband remains unavailable I will go to court to have him deemed incompetent.
I feel such relief everytime there is a minor accomplishment.
My husband has been in rehab for 4 days. I will see him tomorrow.
If he finishes rehab and does embrace recovery I may allow him to come home. But he will not come home until we refinance our home for 30 years so I know I can afford the mortgage on my salary. I will never be in the position fearing that I can't pay the bills again.
Get through today, then tomorrow and before you know it you have successfully gotten through a month. I hope this helps.
So, you are working at something you love, and bringing in some money. He is working too, and spending 'his' money on what he wants to. How did all the debts and bills become YOUR problem? From the outside, it doens't look like YOU are the one who has to be feeling guilty. Maybe you might want to talk to a financial aid planner (don't know what they are called - credit counsellor?) Someone who can help you set things up so that whenever you get a bit ahead, your husband can't just get you back into trouble again. There may be some way to separate your money from his. As it is, all your hard work is futile - every time you get a bit ahead on the debt, he sees it as permission to spend more money. There must be some way to protect yourself. His car, hobbies, etc are not your responsibility, even if he tells you that they are.
When I learned that my A is insane, I quit thinking about anything he said. Would you allow an insane person decide how to spend money that needed to go to the primary things like bills and food???
IN taking care of me, I learned security is what was most basic. Shelter, food, vehicle.
If I found serenity and happiness in a dream I made, I would not ever let it go. It will not make him sober, it will not make our life better as refuse to let the dang disease take any more from me. It took my husband I will be danged if it will take my dream.
I have an animal sanctuary. I could move in town, live in an apt. and be with him and be miserable. He would still find ways to take from me.
The disease will pull you in , and pull YOU apart. Don't lose you.
day at a time is the only way. The creator made that very clear. IF you believe in the creator, then you know what he says is best, is.
In taking one day, you do what you can that day. Figure out what bills to do that day, or clean what you can that day. Rest. live and laugh.
It is important to play. WE need anti stressors to be able to handle this tough world.
The disease has our A's priorities to be themselves, their cars, their using.
whatever.
We don't have to give up our life for a disease. We are given this precious time and i refuse to be pulled into their pit.
Anyway i hope you do not sacrifice that, which you love.
Good morning, mom2be...and thank you for reminding me that just today is my concern. When the going gets tough, I forget that can be done.
I hope your seeing your A went well. I know your concern in getting your property fixed up for sale. We had ours rented, and it's messed up some. It's 900 miles away, so I put it on the market "as is" until we can go fix it. Don't know when that will be...my A isn't taking care of the rental 4 doors down for us...not enough time after golf! I guess. But, I worry about neither of them, as they are pretty much his responsibility...so if they go downhill, he will have to do the repair.
Good luck on your refinance.
I'm glad you are getting things set up so you can be independent financially. I'm afraid we will end up bankrupt, and maybe that's the plan my HP offers me. Then, I can start over, alone, and maybe that's where I'm headed.
Hi Lin, and thank you for the kind thoughts. After a weekend to think...I don't feel it's fair for me to give up my dream either. I was the primary breadwinner for many years...and probably will be again.
I have a friend at the bank who might be just the person to discuss the financial situation. She's already aware of my marital situation, and is in charge of setting up financial planning for retirement. I think she would keep my concerns confidential, and may offer some insight.
You're right...every time I move heaven and earth to pay off a bill, or get us financially level, he sabotages my attempts...month long vacations, hiring somebody to do his work, or charging another "boy toy". I'm actually glad almost that our credit is shot...
This weekend we went out to dinner, and he made a scene in line before paying, in front of his sis, wanting more money from me (cash from his paycheck and from a rental check). I just handed him the contents of my wallet, and excused myself to the bathroom. Fortunately, before leaving home, I had secreted the income from my shop in a separate compartment. He asked why I pulled such an attitude. I just said I was in a hurry to go to the bathroom. Then, Sun, I needed a few groceries, so I just told him he had all the cash, and sent him to the store (after his golf game).
Anyway, thank you for your thoughts...they were helpful, and helped me to be stronger!
Hi Debilyn, and I hope the sun is shining down and blessing Potter's Eden this fine Monday.
You are so right on the button....this disease has taken so much of me, and from me, it WILL NOT be allowed to take this dream of mine, my shop. I have given, and still give much more to the relationship than I should have had to, and if my income is less than his at this time, that's just the way it is, for awhile.
Although, from time to time I do allow myself time to enjoy God's creations, I have forgotten what is fun???? That is so sad...I know the joy of my grandchildren, but too seldom am I down in the floor playing. I'm back to my weekly yoga classes (a big victory), but I think I need to set down and figure out what is fun, then DO IT.
Because of my love of my shop, much of my "leisure" time is very related to that. I feel like that kind of has taken over, and I need to be a little more balanced. Other than that, I can our vegetables, and work in my flowers, and read, and play golf (just started) with my A a couple of times a month.
Gee....maybe I do know how to have fun! I'll work on that.
Thank you for taking time to respond...and for your concern.
By the way, one of our tenants decided to stay...so there's one less worry.
